Praefatio: A Novel (23 page)

***

Wrapped in my robe, I put my hair up in a butterfly hairclip made from rubies and diamonds, another present left for me on my vanity. I was sure it was way too extravagant for the bath, but where else was I going?

I bent down to pick up my clothes and felt a tug at my arm. It was Gavin. I stood and faced him, embarrassed by the display of my huge rear in his face.

“Let your servants clean up after you, Grace. Cerin will be here to draw your bath soon. Maybe rest until then?” Gavin wrapped his arms around my waist. “You’ll get used to things here. You’ll get used to me.” He squeezed me a little tighter. “I have had forever to get used to you. I have loved you your entire life. Do you know that?” He pulled me into him, slowly and deliberately, as he ran a finger along the length of my robe from my neck to its belt. He let his eyes trail along my body and whispered, “I don’t deserve you.”

It was Gavin’s way of apologizing, letting me know he’d heard me earlier. I inadvertently placed a hand on his shoulder, under his hair. Unwinding his hands from my back, then waist, his fingers found their way to the knot in my robe. I may have sighed in anticipation. Gavin seemed to be drinking me in.

I moved my hand to his chin and then ran my fingers across his mouth. He kissed them one by one, enveloping them in warmth and wetness. He followed the path of my arm up to my neck with delicate kisses, each hungrier than the next. And when he untied my robe, his look turned from excited to pained.

I don’t know how long we had been kissing. The air around us seemed filled with his scent—a combination of skin, cologne, and shampoo.

Warm hands made their way inside my robe. They were like heat lamps on the skin of my back. Short, quick bursts of air filled my chest as my heart began to drum. A flush of warmth began in my belly, lingered, then rose up through my chest, neck, and cheeks. Urgency gripped me. I instinctively reached for him.

Gavin’s voice was breathy. He whispered, “Your skin is so soft.” His right hand moved to just under my ribs. “Grace.” He swept me up in a kiss that literally took my breath away. Wildness threatened to overtake him.

“Gavin.” His name fell from my lips in a rush of gasped air and emotion. My body was hot, and I’d begun to sweat.

When Gavin said, “Yes,” I could not talk at all. I lost my ability to articulate as I indulged in him further.

The sound of Gavin’s jeans unzipping felt like the whistle of a tea kettle. Things were definitely about to boil over.

I called him again. This time, more purposefully. “Gavin.” Wiggling out from under his embrace, I was able to eke out what was on my mind. He ran his hands through his hair and appeared utterly frustrated by the interruption. I watched as the hairs fell back into place like little soldiers. “Not here. I’m sorry.”

“Where, in the closet?” He took uneven breaths.

I closed my robe, then zipped his pants. “No, I just don’t think this … the timing. Can we just wait?”

“Jesus, Grace! You still don’t trust me?” His voice was elevated as he flew into the bedroom, which was completely unnecessary, as he did have feet.

I followed him even though I knew I would be crying shortly.

“Gavin, I do trust you. I just need more time. It’s different for humans.” I clenched my teeth, holding back tears.

“Which is it, Grace? Human or angel? Which is it today?” he spat back at me. I flinched as he slammed his mind shut to me, then turned the knob of the door to leave.

“Gavin, please, I love you. I love you more than my own life,” I said, without knowing I was going to say that, or that I had even felt that way.

Gavin turned to look at me, his face expressionless. “Grow up,
Archangel!
”

I flinched again at the harshness of his words. It was as if he’d slapped me. I crumbled to the floor, crying so deeply that my entire body hurt. Everything I’d ever heard about humans sleeping with angels nearly crushed the breath from me. It felt as if someone was squeezing my heart while pushing me into the floor with a boulder. I didn’t want to die.

Sickness settled into my stomach, and I felt as if I might vomit. Gavin did not touch or try to comfort me. Not then. Despite his lack of experience dealing with human emotions, he had to have known he was hurting me. He did watch TV.

After a few minutes, more unexpected words escaped before I could stop them or take them back. “Maybe I should just go. I can’t believe I thought coming here was a good idea.”

“You’re not going anywhere.” There was a hint of arrogance in his voice.

A bit shaky and unsteady, my attempt to stand was not nearly as graceful as I had planned. Gavin was by my side before I could wobble a second time. He placed me on the bed, where my legs dangled, listlessly.

“You need to rest.” He turned for the door.

“Please don’t leave me,” I whispered through tears and trembling lips.

“Grace, I would never leave you.” He turned back. “I was going to get you some tea.” He got down on both knees and put his head on my lap. I stroked his hair. “I’m sorry if my words hurt you. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

He looked up at me with those eyes, and I could have sworn they were wet. I touched his face. “I’m just no good at this.”

“It’s hard for me too. Seeing you like this, so … human and detached. We are all connected. At least we’re supposed to be. He made us that way. You should have recognized this. You should have recognized
me
.” Gavin paused to let it sink in.

It was as if Gavin was resting for the first time in a long while. He seemed vulnerable then, as he wrapped his arms around my legs.

Something occurred to me that set me on edge. I gasped, then jumped, which made Gavin jump.

“Then I must know Lucifer, right? If we’re all connected, like you said.”

“What?” Gavin jumped as if I’d poked him with a nightstick. There was a lot of jumping going on.

“Lucifer. You know, first Fallen angel, likes to parade around as a snake sometimes, idiots dress up like him on Halloween carrying a pitchfork, gonna fight Michael in the great battle and try to take over The Divine One’s throne, blah, blah, blah.” I’d nearly forgotten why Gavin and I were fighting.

“Oh.” Gavin sighed, then slumped, as if Lucifer wasn’t worth jumping over. “He lives downstairs,” Gavin mumbled. He looked away and put his head back down.

“Really?” I nearly peed myself. “Lucifer lives downstairs.” It’s just not the kind of thing you expected to hear in your lifetime.

“Yes.” Gavin stood, then raked his hair with his hand. “He doesn’t like to draw attention to himself nowadays, though he does know you’re here. Thinks it’s fantastic. His exact words.”

“Really? Why?” Freaked out was an understatement. I bit my lip and straightened my hair—as if the devil cared what I looked like.

“You’ve always been one of his favorite topics.”

Sitting back on extra-large European bed shams and pulling my knees into my chest was the only defense I had against running out of the room and back to the Larsons. We were going to have to address it sooner or later. And, since running back home wasn’t an option, I started.

Gavin must have sensed my panic. “Well … ” Gavin climbed up on the bed, grabbed my arms and held them behind me before kissing me softly on the mouth. “We can’t have you running off, now can we?” He trailed soft insistent kisses along the length of my neck. “You are going to be the death of me, Archangel Grace Ann Miller,” he whispered, his breath coming faster, hot against my skin.

“Don’t you think we should talk about this, your feelings?” I tried to keep him talking, even as I became lost in his touch and the feel of his mouth on me. When I cleared my throat, he ran his tongue across it, drawing a moan from my open mouth.

“Oh. My feelings … at this very moment … ” I felt his knee against my thigh. “I feel entirely intoxicated. And this, Grace, is precisely the problem.”

Gavin released my hands and wrapped his arm around my waist. My back arched slightly. He paused to look at me, admiring his handiwork, before pulling me down beneath him, then grabbing both my arms and securing them over my head. He held them there, inhaled deeply, then lowered himself to kiss my mouth.

“Problem?” I asked when he decided breathing was necessary for my survival. I tried to free myself from his grip without offending him, but my wiggling beneath him seemed to amuse him even more.

“Grace, we can’t keep doing this. It’s torture. I have been waiting my entire life for you—
all
of you. And now, I finally have you, and you want to wait … for … what exactly?” It was Gavin who sat up now.

My hands were free, but somehow I didn’t feel as happy about it as I thought I would. “I’m sorry,” It was not what I had intended to say.

“I’m doing my best to be patient.” It felt as if Gavin hadn’t finished his sentiment. Unspoken words hung heavily between us.

“Do you think I like feeling like this, knowing that thousands of girls would cut off their right arm to be here right now?” The tears threatened, but I was too angry to cry. “Maybe Remi was right. That it was a mistake to come here. I’m falling in love with you, someone I hardly know, and yet, it’s hardly enough. I’m not like you. I can’t help who I am, or what I’m not. And you know what? I don’t want to change. For you, or anyone. I can’t. I barely know my own mind nowadays. I have no idea who I really am. Until I do, I just … I can’t be with you like that.” I fought my mind’s suggestion. Hearing it chilled me. I wrapped my arms around myself in an attempt to shield myself from what I was about to say.

“What? What is it, Grace?” Gavin’s voice was softer now. Maybe even remorseful.

I couldn’t say it. I just couldn’t.

Gavin knew what I was thinking. “You really think I want Emeria, that I would leave you for her, just because she’s like me?”

“Yes. No. I just think she would be better for you. She’s already … Fallen,” I whispered through silent tears and snot. I choked on my words, and worse, I made him feel bad for being what he was.

But Gavin perked up just then. “Wait! You think you’ll Fall if we have sex? That you’ll become … like me?” Gavin laughed so hard and for so long I thought he’d misheard me. “You think God wants you to save a race of angels but doesn’t want you to sleep with me?” He laughed even louder.

I hated when he laughed at me. I buried my head under the pillows, but he pulled them off me. I sought refuge under his shoulder.

“You humans and your stupid rules,” he chortled. “I actually thought you didn’t want me, Grace, that you were repulsed by the thought of being with someone like me. But you’re afraid of going to hell. Priceless.” I don’t think I would be exaggerating if I said Gavin laughed for ten more minutes straight.

Happy to amuse you. I’ll be here all week.

Maybe This Angel Thing Isn’t So Bad

My days at Kheiron were filled with “Celestial Coursework” (normal people would probably just call it school). The courses began promptly at the ungodly hour of 5 a.m. But everything at Kheiron was ungodly.

My main instructor was not from here. Titan, a Virtue, is from Saturn. Yes,
that
Saturn. And since no Virtue has ever left Saturn, he teaches via satellite. No cerebral downloads here, just full days of real classroom instruction. No one bothered to tell me I was capable of learning an entire year of advanced math or science in a few hours. Fun, but draining.

When Titan smiled, I had to shield my eyes from the screen, it was so bright, and unfortunately, Titan pretty much smiled all the time. “Okay, Grace, let me know when you need a break. Most angels do after a morning of pharmacology, computer technology, archeology, interior design, social studies, linguistics, astrology, and religious studies,” Titan offered with an encouraging smile.

“No, I think I’m good. Maybe after lunch.” I wasn’t gonna be the first angel to take a break after only three hours of instruction. Half-human or not, I was ready to go.

“So I think we’ll spend the next two hours reviewing some of what we did yesterday: fashion, music, psychology, social media, biochemistry, avian studies, horticulture, alternate species studies, graphics and design, etiquette, and world history. Once we’re done with that, a small break, then a test in each of the six thousand five hundred spoken languages. After that, I’ll hand you over to Arcturus for more combat training. How does that sound?” Titan smiled from the screen in front of me.
How did it sound? Completely nuts
.

I had a lot to prove. A lot. The days were taxing, but I made it through and never complained. I was always happy when Arcturus and Caius arrived, though. It meant I got to punch something.

“Hey, Arcturus,” I greeted him when he entered the room. He bowed to me, then to Titan on the screen. The bowing was pretty annoying.

“Hey,” Arcturus was messing around with something on his wrist.

“Ahem,” Titan fake-cleared his throat. “Grace, tomorrow’s going to be fun. Tomorrow, we tackle botany, hieroglyphics, astronomy, physics, deep tissue massage, and if we have time, sign language, ecology and military studies. Enjoy your time in combat.” Titan bowed, then the screen went black.

“You ready for me?” Arcturus shadowboxed through a devious smile.

“Why? Do I not look ready?” Truth was, I was pretty beat. The day before we’d started aviation and aerospace studies with advanced aerodynamic flight exercises. Caius insisted that I was “cutting it a little too much to the left” when I ascended from a standing position. Not to mention we had horrible weather all day—first rain, then hail, snow, and blizzard conditions. That’s what happens when you live with Fallen. They can get you whatever kind of weather you want. “What’s on the agenda today?” I tried to sound upbeat, energetic.

“Defense and classified secrets of all the governments in the world, including where top terrorists are hiding. And if you behave, military secrets of ancient Greece, Rome, Egypt, and Mesopotamia!”

I perked up when he mentioned the thing about where the terrorists were hiding. Tired as I was, I could muster up some energy to smoke ’em out of their holes, George W. style. Or should I say Barack Obama style? “Cool.”