Praefatio: A Novel (21 page)

I’d finally said it. All of it. Well, almost all of it. It was as close to what I’d kept bottled up for the past few days as there was. And maybe LJ wasn’t the ideal person to share that with, but I knew she’d give it to me straight.

She held her cup in her hand as if it warmed her, then arched an eyebrow before placing it on the ground beside her. I must have looked at her crooked because she responded with yet another eye roll.

“I don’t discount how difficult this must be for you,” was all she gave me. She pulled her knees into her chest and sighed deeply. I wanted to ask her about the humans she’d spent time with, but then I thought better of it—in case that time was short-lived and not all that pleasant for them.

LJ turned to face me. The medium brown of her skin was lit perfectly by the fire in front of her.

“How did the humans know we were here?” I asked, changing the subject. She was making me uncomfortable, first friendly, then implying that I was feeling sorry for myself.

“They find their life’s purpose in trying to destroy us. They believe their God calls them to destroy us. Apparently their God has no regard for the life he created, or maybe their God has given them special consideration as judge and jury. Who knows? Or, maybe, they simply like hunting a higher life form and are bored with deer and fowl.”

Horror clouded my eyes. “How could someone do that?”

“Oh give me a break, Grace. Humans have been killing one another since they were created for the right to go to heaven, land, women, money, sex, food.” She was right again.

“But how did they get onto the property?” It made no sense to me.

Her entire expression changed. She moved in close, and her eyes became wide, excited even. I recognized the smirk on her face as one I’d seen a million times on high school girls who gossiped about cute boys at school.

“My guess is Lex. He tends to have free rein around here.” She sighed again.

“Who’s Lex?”

LJ continued, “Lex? Aside from being Drop. Dead. Gorgeous. My guess is he’s after something, or
someone
.” She paused as if I was supposed to know what she was talking about. I picked up fragments from her mind. He was pretty hot. A slave trader. An angel who traded other angels into slavery. Sounded like a real jerk. A really hot jerk.

“He sells other angels into slavery?” My mind was blown.

“Like humans never sold one another in slavery?” LJ watched me gulp down my reply. Then, as if my mind hadn’t already been blown, she laid it on me. “You should ask Cerin about him. They had a thing, or maybe she had a thing for him, I don’t know the details. Anyway, he’s a real badass. Tyler gives him free rein, says it’s good for business.” I couldn’t picture Cerin having a “thing” with anyone, let alone someone that hot, and a bad boy, no less.

“I … don’t understand how Lex could be good for business,” I kind of asked at the risk of sounding stupid.

“Money and stature. Any time a Fallen brings in money and has stature, it’s good for business. Don’t you understand anything, Grace?”

Obviously not.

“So are we going now?” Arcturus called. “Caius needs a break from getting badly beaten in fencing.”

“Not yet. I’ll let you know. Maybe start getting the horses ready, okay?” I was sure his exuberance was directly related to a desire to race the pegasi back. I wanted to clear the air about Gavin before we went back to Kheiron, and hear more about this Lex.

“I started to tell you before about Gavin,” she said. “I know you think you’re all in love with him and whatever.” LJ paused. “But don’t be fooled into thinking that he’s going to change for you.” She searched my face for a response, then stood up and started to pace back and forth like a nervous cat. Shock.

I was unsure of what to do next or what response she wanted. I tried to get into her mind. Blocked.

“So what do you want me to say, LJ?” I prodded, hoping she would elaborate without letting her think she was getting to me. Two could play this game. My mind? Blocked. The minute I did it, she stopped pacing. She probably had no idea I could. Her personality kept flip-flopping from hot to cold then back.
Annoying
. Her problem? She’d pegged me for weak.

“You’re promised to Gavin. Your feelings for him, real or imagined, were prearranged ages ago as is foretold in
Praefatio
. I cannot believe you don’t know this, that you think you woke up one day madly in love with a guy you’ve never met before. How could you be so dumb? Why do you think everyone is treating you so well? Did you ever stop to think about that, about any of this, Grace? And a rock star? Why? Because you love music and always have from age three, heck, even before then. Gavin chose the persona he knew you’d be attracted to most. He created the image he thought you’d accept most. He’s playing you, Grace, and you’re enjoying being played.” She paused, crouched, then looked up as if expecting to be slapped. “I mean, no offense.” I should have let her stab me; it would have hurt less.

“I have been asking my mom and Remi questions, but no one will answer me!” I shouted back at her like it was her fault that I was so clueless about my own pathetic life.

“Listen, maybe you
are
special. But I’m just telling you that Gavin is not going to change for you. It’s all love and flowers now, but deep down, Gavin loves his life, his power. Don’t fall for his ‘woe is me, I have to bear all this responsibility’ crap. He lives for it. Don’t think because you’re here now that Gavin will suddenly change. He’s his father’s son.
Emeria
had to learn the hard way.” She let it sink in—the old one-two punch. Fallens 1, Archangels 0.

Praefatio

Book 3, Chapter 29

As they left the earthly realm, they were afraid. The woman, though she did not know, was with child. Neither did she know what he was, or what their love had cost them.

Emotional Rollercoaster

I would not have blamed anyone for mistaking me for a zombie. Not the crazed eat-everything-in-sight kind. The dead eyes, arms out in front, aimless kind. Somehow, I made it to my suite. To my surprise, Gavin was at the door, dismissing the cherubs, then Cerin. They all scurried to their appropriate corners upon my arrival, panic plastered across their faces.

Tired, I leaned against the door facing Gavin, placing myself between him and the entrance to my suite. Stuck between elation and fury, I opened my mouth, unsure which of the two would prevail.

“I’ve been up all night, and as much as I’ve enjoyed riding my new horse, thanks by the way, we humans need our sleep.” I tried to sound as annoyed as possible, despite how relieved I was to see him. The thought of Gavin and Emeria together refused to leave me, and I was having trouble holding his gaze. LJ really let me have it, and now I stood before the only person who has ever told me the truth about myself, doubting, questioning and regretting. I was also having trouble keeping my mind closed to him. He was way stronger than I was.

“Ok, goodnight then.” Gavin kissed my forehead, then began to walk away. Relief—no, disbelief—and panic set in.
He’s walking away from me?
With slumped shoulders, I turned to open the door to my suite, but before I could, he was in front of me, grinning. He put a hand over mine, and, with his other hand, wiped away the tear that I’d unsuccessfully forbidden to fall in front of him.

“You didn’t think you’d get away that easily did you?” He pulled me into an embrace. How could he joke at a time like this? LJ’d said that Gavin was using me and that I liked it. She’d made me feel stupid, small and fearful. She’d brought up all the insecurities inside of me. The ones that sit at the back of my existence, creeping into my thoughts daily, seemingly with little notice. That is, until someone like LJ, intent on breaking me, reminds me of how insignificant I am.

The sadness was overwhelming. I nearly jumped into his arms—but the desire to hit him stopped me. I wanted to kick and scream and punch him, and I hated myself for it.

He must have found that funny since he laughed. I raised my hand to strike him. I knew I shouldn’t have, but he was laughing at me. The arrogant prick was laughing at me.

“Uh-uh-uh.” Gavin scooped me up into an all-encompassing hug. The negativity melted from me like candle wax. I hugged him back, tight, maybe too tightly. Gavin pulled away.

“It’s okay,” I whispered. I wanted to be close with him. I wanted to drown in him. I wanted to forget about Emeria, to make him forget. I was tired of fighting the truth, fighting for my sanity. I wanted to give in, to indulge my irrational and insane feelings for him.

“Grace, I’m sorry you’re upset. Please tell me you haven’t allowed LJ to come between us.” He waited for confirmation either way that came when the tears fell. “Grace.” Gavin wiped the tears but they kept coming. His touch made me even sadder. “Grace, please. I have something for you.” He sounded as tired as I felt. “You should get some rest.” He said it as if I could sleep off the tremendous sadness that had taken over my body. “I just wanted to give you one more birthday gift and say goodnight. Okay? One more surprise, then I’m going and we can talk tomorrow if you like.” His voice was softer, like that first night I’d spent there, so comforting. But there was something else too. It felt like fear.

“Yes.” What more could I say? I’d wanted to hit him, and he’d come to give me a birthday present. Gavin opened the door to my suite, and the minute I saw the inside, I screamed like a complete nutjob. I’d almost forgotten what had me so upset in the first place. The cherubs, Cerin, and the remaining Lesser Angels on the floor came running. I guess they’d never heard a human screaming from happiness before.

The suite had been completely redecorated in my favorite colors and fabrics. I barely knew how to respond—aside from the screaming and squeeing—to Gavin’s thoughtfulness and generosity. It reminded me of that scene in
The Princess Diaries
when Mia sees her closet for the first time.

Gavin stood with a self-conscious smile. The seriousness in his eyes did not match the smile still on his beautiful face. His eyes were piercing as he searched my face for what my mind refused him. I couldn’t let him see the ugliness within me—the jealousy and rage caused by the relationship he’d had with my sister. He’d already seen too much.

Remi’s words came to mind: “I sometimes forget how human you are.” It hurt to hear it again. I’d never measure up.

“There is one more gift,” Gavin announced, as if more gifts would change things, would change me. Then he placed his hand around my waist and his body against mine. I hated how being close to him affected me.

“I didn’t come here to have gifts heaped upon me. I appreciate it, but Gavin, this isn’t at all what I wanted or … expected.”

Gavin stopped me from speaking with his mouth, kissing me slowly and softly, like he was asking for permission first. A harder kiss, then a pause, and then deeper, more. He looked like a wild boy who had tasted table food for the first time since—ever, and knew he’d never go back to squirrels and berries again. His lips met mine again, and the warmth of him turned my mind to mush and my legs to jelly.

I cleared my throat, embarrassed by my inability to kiss a boy without going all flipping gooey.

Gavin pulled an unwrapped bracelet from his pocket. I smiled without meaning to, then shot him a stern look. “Last gift, I promise.” He held two fingers up as a Scout would. I offered my arm and watched a black wing, a book, and heart charms dangle.

“Thank you. But I think an apology would do just as well.”

“I’m sorry about the feather incident. You know I would never have done something like that unless you were in danger. I saved your life. That one little gesture saved you and your idiot brother.” There wasn’t an ounce of remorse on Gavin’s face. He would have done anything to save me.

I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him deeply. I’d never been so blissfully out of control. And yet, I didn’t care. It was in that moment that I knew for certain that Gavin loved me. The feel of my body against his, touching at all the right places, threatened to undo me. An assuredness sieged me. Just then, I knew how I wanted to kiss him, understood that I needed to touch him. He seemed, in that moment, as familiar to me as the family I’d known my entire life. I explored his mouth further and was only momentarily distracted by the sudden sharpness of his canines.

“Grace.” He stepped out of my embrace. He seemed almost annoyed, though breathing pretty heavily. I had a feeling he was reading my mind, or already had. He knew I was trying to mask my true feelings. Well, my other true feelings. “I guess we should talk, then.”

So much for getting rest. Ever since I’d arrived at Kheiron, nothing was as I’d imagined it would be. There weren’t any angels playing harps, no sweet, non-stop singing, and everyone actually walked instead of flying from point A to point B. To make matters worse, the one person I’d trusted and thought I’d known had made up this whole persona in an effort to get me to fall for him. Remi had been right all along. Moving here was a mistake.

I gave in to my dark emotions and found myself wondering what would happen if Gavin bit me—like by accident—you know, with all the excitement. After all, I am part-human.
It must take a lot of self-control not to bite someone when you’ve been cursed to do so.

A frown cast shadows across Gavin’s face. I must have upset him by thinking he’d actually bite me. Then again, Tyler had bitten his own wife, had drunk the blood from her body until she was dead. I walked slowly to the couch and took a seat, head spinning, headache brewing.

“Your surprise, Grace, did you like it?” Gavin’s voice cracked a little as he spoke and joined me on the couch.

The question threw me completely off guard. Was he kidding? Hadn’t the squealing, spinning, and shrieking been enough?

“I loved it, Gavin. The suite, the servants, the horse, the bracelet, everything. Really, it’s all too much. First your family tries to kill me, and now all this.”

He gave my hand a gentle squeeze. From my vantage point, he appeared fragile, down. My thoughts turned to Tyler, and Gavin’s handlers. It occurred to me that despite the never-ending line of people waiting on him hand and foot, and adoring fans and hangers-on, Gavin probably rarely had anyone interested in his emotional well-being. It made me sad for him.