Forget Me Not (13 page)

Before I can reply Benjamin is with us and already rummaging through the containers of food. I mouth “thank you” to Jesse and he brushes me off with a relaxed smile.

“Jesse, you won’t believe me. Look in the bucket.” Benjamin says smugly.

“What is it? Did you catch something else?” Jesse gets up onto his knees and peers into the bucket.

“Nope, look. There’s no fish!” Benji’s wide, animated eyes now look into the bucket too.

“Where did they go?” Jesse asks, mirroring Benji’s enthusiasm.

“The crab ate them! I watched it happen! It was so cool!” He sits back down next to me but he’s visibly excited.

“Ah, man, you should’ve shouted me. I would’ve loved to have seen that!” He shuffles back into his previous position.

“Nah, you and Mom were holding hands.” We both look at him. Mouths slightly open. I search for words to explain but my brain comes up empty. “Are you two best friends?” Benji asks.

He remembered.

“The bestest,” Jesse declares. He doesn’t understand why Benjamin would choose to think of us that way, but I guess it doesn’t matter. It fits perfectly.

Chapter 15

My mom’s stood on the porch when we arrive. She looks so small, like a doll in her big toy house, and yet I’m drawn to her presence. I called her this morning and warned her that we were bringing a guest for our Sunday dinner. I didn’t tell her who and she didn’t ask. I expect she had her suspicions, and seeing us pull into the long drive in a flashy black Mustang has just confirmed them. She disappears into the house before we’ve even come to a stop.

I notice Joanna’s car is parked next to us. Two Sundays in a row, Joanna, you excel yourself. You’re also completely transparent.

I haven’t truly felt nervous until now. Benjamin’s well documented joy at riding in what he now refers to as the Batmobile, has been a good distraction on the way here. He didn’t question Jesse’s returning presence this morning. He was more than happy to be cooked for again and they sat watching cartoons together after breakfast. I was able to enjoy a long shower and even managed a hushed phone call to Emma, enlightening her with this weekend’s turn of events. She was as enthusiastic as ever and it was exactly what I needed, knowing the welcoming that would be waiting for us at my parents.

Jesse has been putting on a brave front. To any fleeting eye he appears cool, calm and collected, but I know him better. I notice the tucking of his imaginary hair behind his ear, the fact that he’s been to the bathroom four times this morning when he’s only had one cup of coffee, and I’m super aware that he hasn’t left my side since breakfast.

Looking a million miles away from the boy who left here so many years ago, deceivably strong and together, he’s wearing dark jeans and a grey cashmere sweater. This was chosen
after
I’d stopped him from dressing in a suit. His face is clean shaven and his hair has been artistically styled. On seeing Jesse’s effort I reassessed mine and Benji’s, opting for similar looks. Now, I worry that we look as though we’re trying too hard. 

As we walk up the steps together I notice that we’re in a perfect line, a solid unit. I wonder whether Benjamin is aware of the importance of today’s gathering. I suppose he just wants to show off his new friend, and so do I, if given the chance.

Ordinarily I’d never be apprehensive about introducing someone to my family. They are warm, friendly people who love good company. But, when that particular someone is the reason for their loved one’s past heartache, I imagine it won’t be smooth sailing.

The house is unsettlingly quiet. I normally follow the voices to find which room the family is in, but they give no clues today. I walk us through to the kitchen and there they all are. My father and Joanna stood either side of my mother who is brutally mashing potatoes. They look up at once. We’ve clearly interrupted a private conversation. Benjamin hurries over and safely acquires all of their attention. I raise my hand to softly stroke Jesse’s back. I want so much to wrap my arms around him, to shield him from this frosty welcome, but he seems unperturbed. He has his game face on.

Finally, my father saunters over. He looks awkward, but not hostile, thankfully. He’s a large man but not particularly intimidating, unless perhaps you’re the boy who broke his daughters heart.

“Michaela,” he kisses my cheek, far too formally for my liking, and then turns to Jesse, offering him a hand, “Jesse, nice to see you again.”

“You too, sir. It’s been too long.”

They shake hands before both men tuck them firmly back into their pockets.

Joanna finishes her conversation with Benjamin, something about sand dunes, and then she makes her way over to us both.

“Hi.” She keeps her distance, but smiles briefly. “Long time no see.”

“Yes, how are you, Joanna?”

“Apprehensive.” Her look is as cold as her words.

“Jo,” I interject.

“Th
at’s okay,” Jesse submits. “The feeling is completely mutual, Joanna.”

Spared of further coldness, Jesse is pulled away by Benjamin wanting to show him the house. Little does he know that Jesse’s been here many times before, albeit years ago, and rarely through the front door. As he passes through to the dining area he pauses in front of my mother, who is still preparing dinner.

“Julia, how are you?” He’s so sincere and charming that I think I can see a chink in my mom’s opposition.

“I’m well, thank you. Yourself?” She smiles, but it barely touches her eyes.

“Better than I’ve been in a very long time, thank you.” He smiles, genuinely, before Benji finally manages to pull him away.

With Jesse absent I want to scream at them all to try harder, but the best I can manage is a dramatic roll of my eyes.

“What?” Mom asks, feigning innocence.

“Please, just be nice.” My voice is low and I’ve stepped closer to the three of them. “This isn’t easy for either of us. The least you could do is try and be pleasant.”

“I can’t pretend that I don’t already have opinions on him, Michaela. He isn’t a stranger. I know the damage he has done and can do again.”

I’m shocked, frozen to the spot as I digest what my mom has said. I didn’t expect her to unleash her feelings so soon or so honestly. But, just like that, she’s back mashing the life out of the potatoes.

“Fine.” I’m unable to retaliate further. All three of them are glaring at me and I feel myself losing the battle. All I can hope is that they’re at least polite throughout dinner and that we can leave as soon as possible. I can’t conceive a better outcome than that.

Dinner is delicious, and although she would never admit it I can tell that my mom has tried harder than usual. Not that her cooking isn’t always delectable, but there’s extra trimmings and additional choices of homemade gravy’s and sauces. Food is laid out on the good china and Dad has even opened a bottle of wine for us all.

Benjamin has told the table repeatedly about yesterday at the sand dunes and how Jesse helped him catch a huge crab. I’m almost oblivious to the reservations of the room as I lose myself in Benji’s animated storytelling. Jesse encourages him to the point where the crab has now morphed into one of gigantic proportions. I sense that Jesse feels at ease when he’s conversing with Benjamin. He has nothing to prove to him and can simply enjoy the exchange.

My parents are amiable enough but Joanna’s guard is still up. She’s barely involved herself in the dialogue and when the food is finished with she busies herself clearing the table. Jesse offers to wash dishes but my mother won’t have it, so instead, I walk us out to the front porch. Sitting next to each other on the steps, I rest my head on his shoulder, finally able to take pleasure in some physical contact with him.

“Is this as excruciating for you as it is for me?” I ask.

“It’s no worse than I expected,” he mutters, his head resting on mine. “You can’t blame them, sweets.”

I lift my head and stare at him, surprised. “You think this is an acceptable way to treat a guest?”

“From a family that’s concerned for their daughter to a guy who ran out on her? Yeah, it’s perfectly acceptable.” My head tilts to the side and my eyes tense, but his face remains relaxed as he explains further. “Imagine if someone ran out on Benjamin and then turned up again years later, looking for a second chance. Would you be as forgiving as you expect them to be?”

I sigh in resignation. The thought of anyone putting Benji through what I endured causes a lump to rise in my throat. I roll my eyes in submission and place my head back on his shoulder. Jesse takes my hand and brushes my knuckles over his soft lips.

“Did I just silence you? Did I win an argument?” he asks, cockily.

“Don’t spoil it.” I glance sideways at him, trying to appear scornful. Whether I succeed or not, he doesn’t push it.

We watch the sky fade to orange as the sun lowers in the sky, beginning its slow farewell to this taxing day. I relax into Jesse’s shoulder and squeeze his hand in appreciation of his efforts. I couldn’t have asked for more from him. Despite my family’s obvious hesitation towards us as a couple, he has behaved like a complete gentleman. I can only hope that my family follows his lead and that if things progress with Jesse then a mutual amity can eventually be reached.

Soaring through the sweet silence and tearing our bodies apart, Benjamin explodes through the front door and between us. He runs down the steps before turning to beckon Jesse.

“Jesse, will you play soccer with me? My mom sucks and Grandpa’s too slow.” He pouts, holding the ball with both of his tiny hands.

“Hmm, I don’t know. I’m pretty good. I’m not sure you’ll be able to keep up with me.” Benjamin’s face lights up at the proposed competition as Jesse skips down the steps. He takes the ball from him and jogs away with Benjamin close behind.

I’d normally insist on playing too, but I can’t tear myself away from another little moment playing out before me. I enjoy watching them play, it’s effortless. It makes me so happy to see Benjamin interact with him like this, but at the same time I have to fight the heartache that he has gone without it for so long. He should always have had this connection with someone.

I’m undisturbed for all of two minutes before I hear the door creak behind me. I turn and glance up to see my mom. Her eyes aren’t on me, but on Jesse and Benji as she stares reflectively upon the scene. She sees what I see, and she can’t deny that it pleases her.

“Mom.” I stand up and wander to her side, linking my arm through hers.

“Benjamin seems so happy,” she sighs, her hand holding my arm tenderly.

“I know. It’s Jesse’s doing.”

She sighs deeper. Her face looks tortured and it hurts me to see her this way. “And it’s Jesse that has made
you
this happy?” I smile and nod in reply. “I see the way you both look at each other, Michaela. I can see how damn smitten you both are.” She releases her arm but wraps it around my shoulders instead. “The same love-struck look you had on your face the last time you were together, and look what happened.” Her voice catches, then she readjusts the position of her feet and straightens her back, noticeably steadying herself.

I wrap my arm around her waist. “Please don’t worry about me.” It’s her turn to roll her eyes. “No, I mean it. We’re not teenagers anymore and I’m so much stronger than I was back then. I know you think I’m being stupid. But, I can’t stop this. I love him, Mom.”

“I know,” she replies softly. “And he loves you, it’s obvious. I just hope it’s enough…”

Jesse’s answering emails and returning calls while I bath Benjamin and put him to bed. I keep forgetting that he runs his own little empire. I hope it isn’t being affected by his absence. I could see his phone lighting up all through the movie we just sat watched, and bless him, he didn’t answer once.

Benjamin and I are completely stuffed after gorging on popcorn, chips and ice cream, and so the bedtime routine takes us much longer than usual. I cuddle up to Benji in bed, feeling lazy and sluggish. He combs his hand through my hair until he drifts off to sleep. Any longer and I think I’d have joined him. My eyes are heavy and if it wasn’t for the company waiting for me I’d go to bed myself.

I pad softly down the stairs, expecting Jesse to still be working at the kitchen table, but instead I find him lying on the sofa. Like a snapshot stolen from my dreams. His arm is rested over his face and his breathing is heavier than normal. When I creep closer I realize he’s asleep.

Considering how I felt about him being here when he first arrived, about how he looked out of place and his presence seemed odd, I now feel completely different. He looks so at home sleeping on my couch, adding a touch of beauty to an otherwise bland setting. I can’t bear the thought of him being any place else.

He thinks he’s outgrown Starling, that his life is bigger than here, but I think he’s in denial. He’s so used to putting on a front, wearing his mogul persona like a cape, that he can’t see how comfortable he is here. He doesn’t
want
to be comfortable here, I guess. It’s everything that he’s tried to get away from. If he’ll let me, then I’ll try and help him feel more at home. He doesn’t have to associate Starling with his past, with his family. We can create new memories. I can only hope that I’m given the chance.

I’m just about to curl up next to him when I’m distracted by his phone silently lighting up the room from the coffee table. I have no intention of invading his privacy, but in the split second that it takes me to glance at it I’ve already seen a photo of a gorgeous pouting brunette illuminating the screen. My curiosity has been lit and my self-destructive spirit is burning too fast for me to look away. I read the first line of the text message that is offered underneath the image.

I really wnt 2 c u. Me n my handcuffs REALLY wnt

2 c u…

Bile rises up in my throat and I stand, half prepared to run to the bathroom. I breathe deep, attempting to settle the nausea, but as my sickness settles my curiosity peaks. All of my inner strength goes into not opening the message up to read it in full. I tear myself away from the temptation and head to the fridge where I pour myself a generous glass of wine. I can feel my adrenaline pumping hard around my body, preparing to fight or fly.

I can’t fly, this is
my
home and he is on
my
couch.