Surviving Love (Surviving #2) (20 page)

Can you become addicted to people? Or in particular, a tiny, chestnut haired,
crazy
woman? Because I couldn't get enough of her, I wanted to touch her constantly. When I heard her say she thought I called her a Walrus because I thought she was fat, she may as well have taken the fucking butcher’s knife to my chest. I never thought Lou would be sensitive about her weight or how she looked. I guess I expected a woman as drop dead gorgeous as her to know it. But she really doesn’t. Is that the appeal? I don’t freaking know. I wasn’t lying when I said I’d never asked a girl on a date before. I was socially fucking backward until my late teens and even then I didn't have the balls to ask a girl out.

I don’t enjoy the idea of sex. Yeah, my dick works, it’s my mind that’s fucking broken. I have far too much baggage to handle the emotion associated with
making love.
I don’t think I’m capable of that. Which fucking terrifies me, because I have a feeling that’s what will happen if things progress with Lou. I couldn't just fuck her and leave, I’d need more. She
deserves
more. The blonde from earlier terrified me; I thought she was okay looking last week after a few beers. We danced, but then she started pressing against me and her hands were everywhere. She was all over my junk, my ass, and she didn't stop when I smacked her hands away. She just kept on going.

Then the dance floor filled and I couldn't breathe. So like usual I started to freak out and panic like the pussy I am. I’m supposed to be up for random sex, I’m a young single guy who should be living life, taking what’s offered, and not giving a fuck. But I can’t stand to be touched. Not like that, not by them. It messes with my head that I crave Lou’s touch, it’s like a drug. When she puts her arms around me or leans against me, it’s like fire licking my skin. I want more, but why? Why can she touch me and I want it, when I can’t let anyone else do it? Lou isn’t going to want me when I think this way. I mean, who would want someone who’s scared of intimacy?

I once really liked this girl at college, and we got talking and stuff, and she seemed really into me. Anyway one day at the library we were talking and she had my favourite sweater on that fell off her shoulder and exposed quite a bit of skin. Like I say, I’m not dead from the waist down, my head just doesn’t like how my body reacts. When she leaned forward I could see down her top. Shitty move, but I was an eighteen year old guy who hadn’t even kissed anyone. She caught me looking and smiled, then touched my thigh and I jumped through the fucking roof. I freaked out and ran away like a fucking muppet. After that I couldn't face her so I avoided her. I gave up trying to get close to girls. When I
tried
to lose my virginity it was a disaster. I got so worked up that I freaked out and scared the girl shitless; she ran away telling her friends I was some kind of deviant freak. I’ve never tried again, partly because I became known as the loser freak at college. No one wanted to talk to me and girls avoided me like I had the plague.

I screwed my eyes tight and pulled my hands into fists. I didn't want to lose her but how could I keep her?

She pulled away from me and looked up at me with those chocolate eyes and God did I want to confess every asshole thing that’s happened.

“What’s wrong?”

I shook my head and looked over my shoulder at the guys. Emily had joined them since we were at the bar. She’s a bit like Eve, she knows the score. I flirt, I joke, but it’s on my terms.

Lou’s hand cupped my cheek and turned me to look at her. “Johan, talk to me.”

I clenched my jaw and stared down at her. What did I ever do to deserve her in my life? I should push her away, protect her from the fucked up shit that follows me.

“I can’t have sex with you.” I blurted it out before I meant to. Her eyes widened. Then she offered me one of her sassy little smiles.

“I didn't realise asking for a packet of salted nuts came with sex. But seeing as it’s bothering you, why?”

I let out an embarrassed sigh, trying my hardest to will the red in my cheeks to dissipate.

“I’ve never...I don’t...with everything that happened when I was a kid...I know it’s no excuse...I just...can’t.” I stepped back away from her to put some distance between us, but she moved forward and wrapped her arms around my waist.

“Do you want to?” When I frowned, she added, “Have sex? With me I mean?”

I swallowed and nodded my head. “You’re every guy’s fantasy. Obviously I
want
to.”

She nodded her head to the side and pursed her lips in cocky agreement; I relaxed because I knew she was doing it to make me feel better.

“So let’s not rush it.” She shrugged. “I’m not ready for that either, let’s not stress about it and just see what happens.”

“So I can still kiss you?”

“As long as it’s my mouth then we are all good.”

“Good thing you didn't say lips, may have been confusing.” I winked.

Her jaw went slack and she let out a shocked laugh before slugging me in the arm. I can’t remember ever feeling this happy; it terrified me but I wasn’t letting it go. Not yet anyway, I would fight for her. I looked up to the ceiling.

You listening up there, big man? Lou is mine and I will follow her to heaven and bring her back, she
is
my heaven and I’m done letting you take what’s mine.
“Right, Lou and Em.” Dyesa clapped her hands and stood before shuffling past Liam. “It’s time we showed these young’uns how to twerk.” She tugged on Lou’s hand pulling her from my lap.

“You want to use Twitter?” Alex asked, and I barked out a laugh.

“
Twerk
not
Tweet
you bonehead,” Lou said.

“What the bloody hell is twerking?”

All three girls looked at each other and smirked. I shook my head because the dance floor was about to get a little sweaty especially with these three gorgeous girls shaking their asses.

“You’ll see,” Dy said as she wiggled her fingers at Liam, who sat shaking his head with a huge grin on his face.

“Guys, what the fuck is twerking? Some kind of stripping? I can totally get into that.”

“My wife, dickhead! His girlfriend,” snapped Liam, but he was smiling. The fucker knew what a gorgeous woman he had and what a lucky bastard he was. I smiled because I’d just joined the
smug bastard
club.

“My girlfriend?” I raised my eyebrow and smiled because I liked the sound of that.

“Emily is free though right?” Alex asked hopefully.

“Not a chance in hell. She is way out of your league,” Liam said. “For one thing, she has a brain.” He lifted his beer to his mouth and took a long pull. “And her brothers would decapitate you just for looking at her.”

“Fuck off, I like intelligent women.”

“Yeah, shame they have more sense than to like you,” Liam said. I burst out laughing when Alex threw a beer mat at him.

“I hate this fucking song,” grumbled Alex, as “I’m a Freak”
by Enrique Inglesias
pumped through the speakers.

“Wait ‘til the show starts, it’ll be the best song in the world,” Liam said, smirking. I turned to look at the dance floor, ignoring Alex’s reply.

“Eh?”

Three goddesses were indeed
twerking,
and
Lou was laughing hysterically as Dyesa did a perfect pout and bent over, pushing her ass out and shaking it in such a way I’m sure the guy to her left had just swallowed his tongue.

“Fuck me!” Alex shouted.

“Told you,” Liam announced smugly. The bastard knew how hot his wife was.

Lou lifted her hands above her head and shimmied her body and hips in such a way it should’ve been illegal. As the curve of her hips swayed, her ass looked amazing. Emily slowly walked towards her doing the same slow sway and they pressed together. I felt as if I’d fallen asleep having some kind of perverted dream.

“Oh Christ!” Liam choked as we all watched, transfixed by all three women in some kind of Lou sandwich. Their bodies moved in perfect unison. I swallowed as Em ran her hands down Lou’s sides and grinned at us. I needed to stand and go get my woman, because even though it wasn’t a man touching her, I didn't want anyone touching her except me. But embarrassingly I was sporting wood and there was no way I was having the piss taken out of me.

“I think I need to go use the men’s room because that’s better than fucking porn,” Alex said. I turned and glared at him at the same time Liam spoke.

“I don’t give a fuck I’ve got a third leg, I’m taking Dy home
now!”
He stood, readjusting his junk in his pants. He stalked towards the dance floor where the girls were still gyrating against one another. Dyesa offered him a sexy little smile before he claimed her mouth. He turned and waved, pulling his wife by the hand behind him. I was sure they wouldn’t make it home before he had his way with her.

“Ugh,” I groaned as Lou sat in my lap on my hard-on.

Her eyes widened before she turned, a sexy little smile on her full lips, her eyes sparkling. “See something you liked?”

“You’re a tease Louise Beaumont.” I pressed my index finger to her nose.

“I’m tired.” She yawned despite herself. “I’m getting too old for this.” She nuzzled her face into the crook of my neck and my balls tightened.

“Want me to take you home?”

She wrapped her arms around my neck and nodded. And for the first time in my life I felt like a man and not a scared little boy.

“Can I ask you something?” I said quietly, taking another bite of pizza. We had gotten back from the club about half an hour ago; we left relatively early because my feet were killing me but I’d had a brilliant time. His friends were so funny. And I’d managed to apologise to Emily for being a bitch to her that day I’d seen her here. She was so sweet, and I really liked her.

“Sure.” He shrugged, then pulled off another mushroom and threw it into the box.

“Why didn’t you say you didn't like mushrooms?”

He looked up at me and frowned. “That’s your question?”

“No, but I’m curious.”

“You said you wanted ham and mushroom, so—” He shrugged again as if it was no big deal. But it
was
a big deal, because when I had pizza with Darren he complained the entire time it was messy and greasy, he
hates
junk food and particularly food you are expected to eat with your fingers.

“So your original question?” he asked.

“Oh yeah. How can you go into clubs and stuff when you have that phobia, I can’t remember the name.”

He took another huge bite and wiped his mouth with his napkin, taking forever to chew before he looked up at me. He was sitting on the floor by the coffee table while I reclined on the sofa.

“I don’t suffer with it like I used to. It’s still there, lurking around but I know how to handle it.” He took a drink of his beer and I looked at it longingly. “It becomes an issue or problematic when I’m feeling
anxious.
According to my therapist, when I feel in control I can handle it. When I’m scared or my anxiety issues peak, I lose control and it becomes hard for me to control, a bit like  when that woman started touching me. I kind of had a freak out then, but when I can control the issue by, for example, walking away, I’m okay. But had I been trapped or not able to deflect her, I would have panicked big time and spiralled downward. Does that make any sense?” His cheeks heated. I wanted to lean over and kiss the blush from his face, or give him another reason to blush.

I started to shuffle off of the sofa to sit beside him but he held up his hand to stop me. “You can’t sit on the floor, sunbeam.” He crawled along the floor and sat beside me.

“But you seem so outgoing and confident.”

He swallowed and placed his pizza back in the box. “I wasn’t, I was terrified of my own shadow at one point. It was a huge deal just to leave the loft of the pool house, let alone go outside. It took Ane and Will weeks, maybe even months to persuade me to go up to the house.” He rubbed his brow. “It’s kind of a defence thing. I found if I acted confident, assholes stayed clear of me anyway. The only people I keep as friends are the ones who see through the bullshit. If I act confident and take control of a situation I
stay
in control. I approach things differently so I can handle it.”

“So how do you
know
when it’s going to be a problem?”

“I don’t, it just kind of hits me. I freak out and lose the plot I suppose.” His cheeks reddened again.

“Is that what happened the day I found you after everything with Eve?”

He shrugged. “Probably.”

“What do you mean? You don’t remember?”

He shook his head.” I remember finding her, and being covered in her blood, I remember you at some point calling me. Then I woke up in your bed. I knew I’d had a breakdown but I felt too embarrassed to ask about it. Mama-su and Dad said it was hard to watch. I think I scared them more than anything. It’s mortifying to put people you care about through my shit.”

“It was heartbreaking to watch, not scary. I couldn't do anything to help. You kept saying
don’t let them in
and that I’d leave you.”

He shook his head and buried his face in his hands.

I placed my hand on his back and rubbed in soothing circles, hoping he would talk to me.

“Ryan used to make me hide, so Grandpa couldn't find me. I guess if we had been found Ryan could have been charged with kidnapping. But I tried to hide from Grandpa Chase, and a lot of the time I managed it but sometimes I was too fucking slow to get away. He started beating Ryan to such extremes I...I didn’t want it...I swear...but I had no choice.” He pinched the top of his nose. I pulled him to me, resting his head against my shoulder. “I was terrified he would hurt Ryan so bad that he wouldn’t wake up like my mom, so I...did things...to him, to Grandpa.”

“You don’t have to say anymore, Johan.”

“But Ryan hated it and would cause fights, he would follow us and start fights in the boathouse. Grandpa sent him away but he wouldn’t back down. Then Ryan and Will made a plan and took me away, we escaped to Will’s house and I used to hide. I’d only come out if Ryan told me it was safe. He promised Will wouldn’t hurt me, but I still couldn't trust him. It used to hurt so fucking much what they did to me in that boathouse, watching them beat Ryan until he pissed himself. Watching the other kids...” He shook his head. “But it hurt so much more to let people into here.” He tapped his chest. “And then to have it all ripped away from me. My momma was taken from me, then Ryan, I thought for sure Eve was next. I can’t let people in, Lou, because it hurts so fucking much when it’s gone. And I’m the reason bad things happen. Mom was happy with Dad until I was born, Ryan...he was...if he hadn’t tried to protect me he wouldn’t...”

I pulled him to me and pressed my forehead to his shoulder.

“How did Ryan die?”

“I don’t have the specifics. I think I was about ten when he went into the Marines. At first he came home on leave regularly, but then it was less and less. When 9/11 happened he was deployed to Afghanistan. He was out there months without a letter, which wasn’t unusual when he was sent overseas. But it was the longest he had ever gone without any contact at all. After a year passed, I started panicking. Mama-su and Dad tried contacting the military and some of his buddies but because we weren’t next of kin or directly related they gave us shit. Mama-su and Dad never officially adopted Ryan because he’d reached legal age but they were essentially his parents, they loved him like a son.

“I was convinced he would have contacted us if he was okay. So I went to Grandma Violet’s house. Will and Dad went with me. God, I remember almost having a breakdown when they pulled into the driveway, Dad had to keep stopping the truck so I could calm down. Talk about a house of horrors. The immaculate lawn was still tended to even though she lived there alone. It was like no time had passed at all, only Ryan and Kyle’s trucks were missing and Grandpa’s Escalade wasn’t there.” He took a deep breath then continued. “Anyway, Will and Dad talked me down. When the old fucking witch opened the door she laughed. She went all psycho on my ass and started shouting at me saying that it was my fault all her boys had been taken away, it was my fault that Grandpa was in the pen, and it was my fault her boys were in foster care. Then she screamed at me that it was my fault Ryan was dead.” He stood up and paced the room pulling at his hair. “No leading into it, she didn’t care the boy who raised me and put his life on the line to protect me was gone. She just blurted it out. Dead!” He pulled his hair again and I heard him choke on a sob.

“I fell to the floor, just crumpled. She laughed again, and started telling me in this scary maniacal voice how he’d died. She shouted about it being
my
fault he enlisted and was sent over there. If Grandpa had been home he would have kept his boys
safe
.” His voice cracked. “She had a point, Grandpa would never have allowed Ryan into war. If he had been home Ryan would be a football star not fucking dead.”

I shot to my feet and grabbed hold of him. “No, no, I’m not listening to that. Your grandpa would have killed all of you. Maybe not physically, but what he was doing to you was slowly killing you inside, Johan. He destroyed the family, not you. And she was no better for protecting your grandfather.”

He didn't reply, just remained still and silent like a statue.

“Johan.” I cupped his cheek.

“I remember Dad shouting at her to shut up. Will sat on me, covered me with his body trying to block out her words. But I heard every word. She hated me so much, Lou. That family was my flesh and blood and they tortured me. Why? What did I ever do?” he asked hopelessly.

I fought my desire to burst into tears. I wanted to be strong for him, but bloody hell it was a nightmare.

“Why do I tell you this shit?” He looked at me. But it seemed a question more to himself than me.

“I don’t know,” I whispered. He closed his eyes as I caressed his cheek. “It’s a connection I can’t explain.”

“Me neither and it kind of scares me.” He lifted his hand and covered mine. “I give you so much of myself and I haven’t done that before. I don’t let people in, Lou, bad things happen when I do.”

“I like that you let me in. I’m incredibly honoured that you do. ”

“You don’t think I’m some sick weirdo?”

“Well yeah, but that was before you told me about your past,” I joked.

He snorted a laugh and pulled me to him. I pressed my cheek to his chest and listened to his beating heart.

“I swear I’m not like them. I have their blood, but I’d never do that to my little buddy.” He pressed his hand to my stomach.

“That thought never even entered my head,” I said earnestly. I had never once doubted Johan’s sincerity and gentle nature.

Just then we both froze as baby bean moved under his hand.