Soldier from Heaven (9781629021911) (9 page)

Not surprisingly, Jacob was less than enthusiastic to start the year, but Ben had a smile on his face as he was officially in the number grades. We arrived at Ben’s school first since it started an hour earlier than Jacob’s. The four of us walked into his school and found his classroom. I knew his teacher well since I volunteered often, went to all of the functions, and was a member of the PTO. Mrs. Oksen kindly greeted Ben and welcomed me into the classroom to help Ben find his seat and get settled. He was amazed to see that he had his own desk and did not have to sit at a table with others. He felt like a big boy and was alright with kissing me good-bye right away. He also kissed Mary and hugged his brother, wishing him luck at the big school. We left Ben and loaded into the car for the second drop off.

I pulled into the middle school and glanced at Jacob. He was still in a mood. I had hoped our talk would help, but he didn’t seem any different.

“How about I park and walk you in? I would love to meet your teacher this morning.”

“No, that’s okay Mom. No other parents will do that, and you’ll embarrass me. Besides, I was here last year. I know where I’m going.”

“Okay, but we still have some time, so I’ll park and we’ll chat a while.”

“You can just let me out, Mom, we’re not that early.”

“Okay, if you insist. Are you okay? You seem a little down.”

“I’m fine. I just don’t want to go to school.”

“I know, but it will be great.”

“No it won’t. It’s not the same.”

“What do you mean?”

“Now I don’t have a dad.”

Jacob got out of the car abruptly and slammed the door. I jumped out after him and grabbed him.

“Jacob, honey, don’t leave like this. I know how you’re feeling, but everything will be fine.”

“No it won’t. Now I’m one of those kids with only one parent.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that Jacob. Besides, you are different from so many others. Most of them are with one parent because they have one that doesn’t care enough to be with them or because of divorce. You come from a loving family with two parents who loved each other enough to stay together. Your father died, Jacob. He didn’t choose to leave you.”

“Just go, Mom. I’ll be fine.”

“I can’t leave you when you feel like this Jacob. Come back in the car and sit a while.”

“No, I’ll be fine. I just won’t talk about it. I’ll see you later.”

“Okay,” I said as I hugged him tightly. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

I watched him walk across the parking lot with his head held down, a sight I had never seen before. He seemed beaten down. He seemed to have lost his sassiness and confidence to conquer the world. His perfect family that he fit so well into was missing a huge piece. His picture perfect world would never look the same. When he disappeared through the school gates and was out of sight, I got back into the car. It took all of my strength not to run after him and take him home. He was right. Our family was like the imperfect ones. We were no longer special. Those feelings of anger and resentment were welling up inside of me again. This tragedy was taking my son down too. What would I do?

Back home with Mary, I fed her pancakes and tried to act jolly in response to her giggles and coos. But all the while, I was thinking about what to do with Jacob. I didn’t know what else to do to heal him. Pete would know. I couldn’t wait to see him so he could tell me what to do.

“Pete, Pete, I need you. Please, come to me.”

I was in my bedroom calling for Pete and so frustrated that he wasn’t already there. He always seemed to be there when I needed him without me having to call him.

“
Pete.
”

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“Oh, Pete, I don’t know what to do. Jacob is hurting so badly. He is changing. He’s devastated by all of this, and I don’t know what to do.”

“You are already doing what you should be doing.”

“Oh really, that’s your answer. This is the help God’s sending me? ‘You are already doing what you should be doing?’ Are you kidding me? Jacob is damaged. What the hell is God letting happen to our son?”

I was screaming with anger and then quickly tried to contain myself so I wouldn’t wake Mary from her nap. I began pacing the floor in desperation. I was lost, and Pete wasn’t giving me much direction.

“Catherine, calm down. This is a normal reaction.”

“It’s not normal,” I cried without restraint. “What is normal about a twelve-year-old-boy losing his father? What is normal about him feeling like a loser because of it? What is normal about a once stubborn and outspoken young boy turning into a quiet, sulking kid? Normal was Jacob mouthing off because he was asserting independence while going through puberty. Remember? This is not his normal.”

“Catherine, this too shall pass. And down the road you will see that it is a normal part of his grieving. He will not be damaged. I promise you that. You are doing the right thing. You are there for him, and you are helping him through this. Be thankful that he is sharing his feelings with you. That is the most important part of coping. Be thankful he isn’t distancing himself from you and holding his feelings in. That is when true damage is done. He is sharing, and he had a mother ready to help. All of this is still fresh. It’s only been a few months. He got through summer great. You saw some happiness. Now he has to get through school. It’s another part of his life that he has to get used to doing without me. He hasn’t been to school since I’ve gone, and that’s why he’s like this. It will be a new experience. But he will come through as he did this summer. Progress is being made. Just keep being there for him. Everything will be fine.”

“Really? This is not—,” I said as I turned to see he had already gone. Pete gave his advice and was gone. I supposed that was a good thing. I didn’t have the chance to fire back at him and keep the argument going. Instead, I was left alone to reflect on his words. He was right. This too would pass. But it was just so hard and painful. I couldn’t wait to be over these feelings. I couldn’t bear to see my child hurting so much. I just wanted my old Jacob back. I wanted to hear the back talk. I wanted him to tell me no once in a while. I could learn to deal with that. But that sad boy just wasn’t Jacob. I had to keep trying to make things better for my son.

I tried to talk to Jacob about his outburst after school that day, but he insisted he was alright. I didn’t want to push the issue but reassured him he could talk to me when he was ready. The next school day, I felt a little unsettled because of the first day’s incident. I dropped him off at school and hoped for the best. Jesse turned out to be in his homeroom and a few classes so that made me feel a little better. But it wasn’t long after lunch that I received a phone call from the school’s assistant principal.

“Hello? Yes, this is Mrs. Schultz. Jacob did what? Okay, I’ll be right there.”

“Please come in, Mrs. Schultz. Have a seat.”

I sat down in the chair across from Mrs. Kan and next to Jacob. I glanced over at Jacob, whose head was hanging low, and then I reached over, grabbed his hand and kissed it.

“Thanks for coming in, Mrs. Schultz. As you know, Jacob got into a fist fight today with another student. I’ll let him tell you the details.”

“Mom, the kid just came up to me at lunch for no reason and asked how my dad died. I didn’t even know him. I told him to shut up, and he asked what my problem was. I told him to shut up again and told him it wasn’t his business, but he didn’t walk away. Then he called me a nut, so I got up and pushed him. He pushed me back, so I punched him.” with that Jacob started to cry.

I embraced him to calm him down.

“Mrs. Schultz, physical fighting is an immediate suspension. It’s clear that your son started the altercation.”

“Mrs. Kan, our family has been through a very traumatic event this summer. Now I’m not excusing what Jacob did. He certainly shouldn’t have reacted with a fight. But you have to understand where he’s coming from as a child. He was coping very well with his father’s death towards the end of summer, but it was clear yesterday morning that he wasn’t quite ready to face school. It’s like a new part of his life to deal with without his father. Yesterday, he was feeling so sad and freakish. He left school with a father and is returning without one. Our whole family dynamic has changed drastically. When the boy wouldn’t walk away, I can understand that my son didn’t know how else to respond. He was already feeling different, and then the boy called him a nut. There’s so much you don’t understand about what he’s going through.”

“I see that. But we cannot tolerate this type of reaction. Has he seen anyone to help him with his emotions?”

“No, but I don’t think that’s a bad idea.”

“Mom, I don’t need to see anyone,” he snapped.

“Jacob, you are dealing with a lot, and clearly you aren’t able to handle these situations yet. It’s okay to talk to someone.”

“I promise I’ll keep talking to you, Mom. I won’t do that anymore, I promise.”

“Look, Mrs. Kan. I respect your policy on fighting and suspension, and I agree with it. But I’m sure not all situations are like this. Jacob is not a trouble maker, and this isn’t like him. You can see that he’s sorry about it and knows it wasn’t appropriate. The way to get him over this hump isn’t to take him out of school. He needs to keep facing the hard stuff and get through it. How about he apologizes to the boy in your office and explains himself. Maybe you can help the other boy understand. I promise we will deal with this as a family. Jacob has a lot of support, and if it isn’t enough I’ll find someone we can all talk to as a family. Please, Mrs. Kan, you can’t begin to imagine what he’s going through.”

“Okay, Mrs. Schultz. Jacob has always been a great student, and I can certainly understand this difficult time. We have a guidance counselor here, and he does make time for group sessions and individual counseling. If you or Jacob ever want to speak with him, just let us know. I’ll give Jacob a lunch detention tomorrow with the boy. We’ll talk about it together, and I’ll bring in Mr. Back, the counselor, to guide the conversation. Does that sound fair to you, Jacob?”

“I guess.”

“Good. Why don’t you take Jacob home early today so he can calm down some, and you can talk to him more about this? I truly am sorry for your family’s loss. I hope you know that I’m thankful for your husband’s service and sacrifice.”

“Thank you. Let’s go, Jacob.”