She Comes First (10 page)

Lingerie:
Appreciate before proceeding to rip, tear, and ravish. Unlike guys, whose capacity for creativity in the area of underwear selection rarely extends beyond deciding between boxers or briefs, women often apply considerable resources—physical, creative, financial—in order to be well diversified in this department. As one interviewee commented, “Who the hell does he think he is, Conan the Barbarian? He tore through my panties with his teeth. Excuse me, but those were fifty-dollar La Perla!”

Lubricant, artificial:
There’s an old Malagasy proverb, “Let your love be like the misty rain, coming softly, but flooding the river.” But if your partner doesn’t lubricate consistently, easily, or at all, don’t take it personally. In a 1994
Sex in America Survey,
20 percent of women complained of trouble lubricating when engaging in sexual activity.

In terms of cunnilingus, artificial lubricant is neither as important nor as indispensable as it is during genital intercourse. As Dr. Comfort noted in
The New Joy of Sex,
“The best sexual lubricant is saliva” and it’s usually in ample supply during cunnilingus. But even the mouth grows dry at times, so it never hurts to have some lubricant close at hand.

In selecting a lubricant, read the ingredients carefully and stay away from those that are oil-based and contain chemicals such nonoxynol-9, a commonly used spermicidal that tastes awful, and can burn and lead to infection. Also, stay away from jellies, such as K-Y, that are greasy and heavy. Best to choose a water-based product that has few ingredients. Astroglide is a common favorite, and has
earned the reputation of its tagline, “second only to nature.” There’s no shortage of choices, so enjoy the process of selection.

Massage, foot:
One of the most underestimated and underutilized forms of erotic stimulation, a good solid foot massage floods the bloodstream with endorphins and energizes the entire body. No need to worry about not being a professional masseur, just maintain persistent contact between hand and foot, massaging one foot at a time with both hands. Work the whole foot: the sole, ball, ankle, and toe joints before going to the other one. Feel free to kiss her toes. Some women won’t be able to stand it, while others will experience the heights of pleasure.

Masturbation:
Sex researchers Masters and Johnson gathered much of their information about female sexual response by watching women masturbate. Take note: they consistently observed that women focused their manual stimulation on the clitoral head, as well as the shaft, mons pubis, and inner and outer labia. Because of the heightened sensitivity of the head, most women stimulated it at the peak of arousal, and avoided direct contact immediately subsequent to orgasm. Dr. Kinsey found that 95 percent of the women he studied climaxed far more often through masturbation than during genital penetration. This observation was corroborated by Masters and Johnson, who found that over 90 percent of women were able to experience an orgasm through masturbation.

Although Masters and Johnson observed consistencies in how women masturbated, they also emphasized that no two women masturbated in exactly the same way.

Masturbation, shared:
Not necessarily for her eyes only, but an opportunity to observe a woman’s unique way of consistently bringing herself to climax—something clearly worth studying. But remember: even though masturbation is a common, often shared experience, it’s still as close to taboo as you can get these days. In his book
Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation,
Thomas Laqueur, a history professor at the University of California, Berkeley, writes, “In general, masturbation is that rare thing in modern talk
about sexuality: something best left unspoken and so discomfiting that it can only be broached as a joke.”

If she’s never masturbated in front of you, create an environment of intimacy and trust. Most important, let her know that it’s something you want her to do because it turns you on and because you want to learn more about how to please her.

Regardless of the hurdles, it will improve your sex life when you are comfortable sharing the act of masturbation with each other. It will not only prove erotically stimulating, but masturbation will also serve as a reliable fallback for those times when, for one reason or another, sexual activity does not lead her to orgasm and she needs to take matters into her own hands.

Music:
Use it to enhance the mood, not kill it. Find music that lulls you
both
into a deeper zone of letting go, music that helps you synchronize yourselves into a mutual sense of rhythm and pacing. The right choice can really stimulate the senses; the wrong choice can shut them down. One interviewee commented that she likes to play Ravel’s
Boléro
during sex as “it both captures and stimulates the process of arousal—the way the tension builds slowly, repetitiously…subliminally encouraging my boyfriend to slow down and wait until it all builds to a crescendo.” Yet another woman commented, “This may sound weird, but I love to listen to whale music when a guy goes down on me. I have all these bizarre underwater fantasies. Sometimes I even imagine that I’m the female whale and that I’m being called by the male whale, with his like, what, fifty-foot cock.”

Orgasms, multiple:
Oftentimes a woman will experience an orgasm during foreplay, particularly if ample stimulation has been effectively applied. While all women have the innate biological capacity for multiple orgasms, not all have experienced them and many might be unaware of their inherent potential. If she climaxes during foreplay, transition for a few minutes into a milder form of stimulation such as kissing and hugging before moving into coreplay. This shift in activity is particularly essential if her orgasm was
the result of manual stimulation of the clitoris, as the clitoral head is particularly sensitive to touch following orgasm. Let her cool down, but keep her warm and sexualized by focusing your attention on other parts of her body. After this brief interval, you will be able to return to direct stimulation of her vulva and get ready for her next orgasm.

Penetration:
If cunnilingus is coreplay, then it’s possible to think of genital penetration as an aspect of part of foreplay. In the standard missionary position—you on top, her beneath you—use the tip of your penis to barely penetrate her vaginal entrance. Let your penis rest just inside her. (If you’re uncomfortable in the missionary position, then simply kneel or sit in front of her vulva.) Linger. Loiter. Meander. Stay close to the entrance. Press your thumb against her clitoral head and gently flick it from side to side as you penetrate her with short shallow thrusts. Or press the shaft of your penis against her clitoris and then gently thrust between the folds of her labia without ever entering her. Or she can perform Kegels (the squeezing of her pelvic muscles) while you, ever so slowly, penetrate her. Really take the time to feel her pelvic muscles contract against your penis as you slowly withdraw.

Porn:
Specifically, films. We know they turn on men; lesser known is that they can also play a role in stimulating women. According to the book
Total Sex,
a recent survey of five-hundred video-store owners revealed that female customers help to choose at least 25 percent of all adult-video rentals. Such enthusiasm is a double-edged sword—on the one hand, it’s comforting to know that men and women share this predilection for cinematic stimulation; on the other hand, the vast majority of porn films are male-oriented. For a change of pace, check out films specifically designed to appeal to women by directors such as Candida Royalle, a former adult film star who ventured out on her own to produce and direct under the banner Femme Productions. Not surprisingly, these films rely more heavily on elements such as plot and character, feature lots of foreplay, and are much more illuminating about the sorts of sexual activities
that women actually enjoy. And unlike male-oriented films, the sex is actually integrated into the story line. Shakespeare would surely have appreciated these female-oriented dramas more than their male-oriented counterparts, in that at least they make an effort to “suit the action to the word and word to action” while “holding a mirror up to nature.”

Style:
Don’t be a show-off. As written in
Elements of Style,
“The beginner should approach style warily, realizing that it is an expression of self, and should turn resolutely away from all devices that are popularly believed to indicate style—all mannerisms, tricks, adornments. The approach to style is by way of plainness, simplicity, orderliness, sincerity.”

Holds true for experts as well.

Ties:
The kind that bind. Restraining a lover during sexual activity is a popular fantasy, and one that, unlike some others, is easily realized, and erotically rewarding. When approached safely as a lighthearted, playful activity, restraint is a fun, guilt-free way of acting out dominance roles and expressing healthy sexual aggression. It stimulates her body by allowing her to flex her muscles more intensely than when unrestrained; it also stimulates her mind by allowing her to surrender to pleasure and act out in ways that might normally make her feel awkward or shy. It also encourages you to take your time and lavish her with attention as she submits to your teasing. From constraint comes creativity. If you’re new to this topic, err on the side of caution and peruse the pointers in the Appendix before proceeding.

Time:
Take lots of it. As Ovid wrote, “Love’s climax should never be rushed I say / But worked up slowly, lingering all the way.”

A
LTHOUGH IT’S IMPERATIVE
that the play process unfold seamlessly from beginning to end, without interruption, it is nonetheless useful, in discussion, to break the process down into substages, especially as they help to illuminate coreplay—the substantive phase in which sexual tension builds, culminates and then releases itself through the female orgasm.

Therefore, we will discuss coreplay in terms of six distinct stages that are easy to understand:

      
• Stage 1:
in which we transition from foreplay to coreplay with the application of the first clitoral kiss

      
• Stage 2:
in which we establish rhythm and acclimate the clitoris to the persistent attentions of the tongue

      
• Stage 3:
in which we continue to build tension by focusing
more of our energies on the clitoral head, as well as introducing appropriate manual stimulation

      
• Stage 4:
in which we hypercharge the process of sexual response and escalate her level of arousal by internally stimulating the “clitoral cluster” in combination with the clitoral head

      
• Stage 5:
preorgasm, in which we maintain the optimum balance of rhythm and pressure as she approaches orgasm

      
• Stage 6:
Orgasm, in which we maximize the number of pelvic contractions and help her to realize the full potential of her climax

In abbreviated terms, think of these stages as a straightforward process that encompasses: the first kiss; establishing rhythm; building tension; escalating the action; preorgasm and orgasm.

Going forward, we will dedicate our attention to a more thorough discussion of these six substages of coreplay, explore related topics that arise throughout the process of female sexual response, and break down an array of techniques that will keep the action going.

But first, before we do anything, let’s make sure we’re in the right position…

B
EFORE GOING DOWN
on a woman, make sure to position yourself for maximum performance. Bad form is often the difference between success and failure. Porn films would have us believe that
any
position is the right position: up against the wall, on top of a table, hanging off the bed, hanging off the rafters—the wilder the better. But it should come as no surprise that with titles like
Hannah Does Her Sisters
or
Titty Titty Bang Bang,
the porn industry, in general, shies away from the lofty aesthetics of cinema vérité.

First and foremost, expert cunnilingus needs to be delivered from a position that enables the giver to
comfortably
apply persistent, rhythmic pressure over time while the receiver relaxes into the nuances of arousal. Not surprisingly, one of the main reasons why men say they don’t perform cunnilingus more often is the physical strain—in short, the pain of being in the wrong position. So if your
attitude toward cunnilingus is “no pain, no gain,” the sentiment is appreciated, but entirely unnecessary.

There are a few positions, better suited to porn films than to prolonged clitoral stimulation, that have nonetheless become widely, and wrongly, disseminated into the mainstream. At best they serve as spicy embellishments to a session of cunnilingus; at worst they can seriously undermine the entire experience. These popular positions include 69’ing, SOMF (Sit on My Face), and Up Against the Wall, among others.

69’ing

Of the three positions mentioned, 69’ing, in which man and woman service each other simultaneously, is probably the most prevalent and also the most problematic:

• In the 69 position, you are endeavoring to provide stimulation from the wrong point of attack. Rather than approaching her vulva from the south (bottom up), you’re coming in from the north (top down). Regardless of who’s on top, you’ll have little use of your hands and it will be difficult to use your tongue to comfortably service the major parts of her clitoris. As author and sex columnist Anka Radakovich writes of the position: “Working out the logistics of fitting mouths on orifices and protrusions while adjusting to the rhythm is like playing a game of Naked Twister.”

• If you’re giving while simultaneously receiving, it’s highly unlikely that you’ll be able to focus on the application of measured, evenhanded clitoral stimulation. There’s even a
chance that you’ll get caught up in the moment and allow yourself to lose control.

• Finally, the position cannot be comfortably sustained at length, nor can she fully relax and concentrate on the nuances of arousal. The fact is, when it comes to oral sex, it’s best for one partner to focus on giving while the other focuses on receiving—both are extremely pleasurable and best kept pure.

In short, 69’ing is a novelty act. That’s not to say it isn’t an exciting position, or a compelling means of enabling her to enjoy the pleasure of pleasuring you, but such joys are best experienced during foreplay—not coreplay.

When 69’ing during foreplay, make sure you don’t waste your best tongue strokes: save them for coreplay. The first kiss upon her vulva should take her breath away, so don’t diminish the sense of anticipation. Instead, kiss the areas
around
the vulva rather than the clitoris. Use your lips, not your tongue. Smooch. Nibble. But stay away from the clitoral head. Turn the position into one of strength; use it as a way of teasing her to greater heights.

SOMF (Sit on My Face)

The same can be said of SOMF, a position that provides you with better access to her vulva than 69’ing but significantly hinders the use of your hands and fingers—a trade-off without much real gain. Sitting on your face (really kneeling
around
your face) forces her into an upright position and places undue stress on her back and legs. In this position, it’s highly unlikely she’ll get very far in the process of sexual response; however, it can prove erotically stimulating by providing her with a sense of dominance, and might be good for a bit of fun.

Up Against the Wall

In Up Against the Wall she literally stands against a wall while you kneel down before her. Although it’s unlikely that she’ll reach orgasm from this position, with a wall to provide support it’s easier to lead her through several stages of arousal. Up Against the Wall has all the rough passion of a “quickie,” but without the male ejaculation that often accompanies the genital version of this position.

All three of these positions—69’ing, SOMF, and Up Against the Wall—are useful in that they provide erotic stimulation and often heighten the drama of the moment. In fact, with a little help from your imagination, there’s no limit to the number of creative positions that can be devised and put to the test—one book I came across actually recommends going down on a woman while she stands on her head with her legs wrapped around your neck. Use these positions during foreplay to accelerate the process of arousal into coreplay, but don’t mistake them for the ones that enable the application of
serious
clitoral stimulation to the point of no return.

So much for the wrong way…

Her Body

• She should start flat on her back, legs spread comfortably apart, but not too far (six to nine inches at most) and a bit bent at the knee. As a rule, her legs should always be closer together than farther apart, as she needs the full command of her pelvic muscles. She should be completely at ease and relaxed: able to focus on the pleasure she’s receiving without any distraction—physical or mental.

• Pay attention to the arch of her back. Once again, we get the idea from porn that when a woman is turned on she
naturally arches her back upward, throws back her head, and points her breasts and neck up and out. This position, while titillating, is what the famous sexologist Wilhelm Reich referred to as the “hysterical arch.” Not only is it highly unnatural, but the position also cuts off blood flow to the pelvic area, hampers breathing, and inhibits the process of sexual response. When a woman is aroused and comfortable, her back will find itself flat, without an arch, and her genitals will be tilted slightly up toward your mouth, rather than driving downward—in short, the opposite of what we see in porn. To help her achieve this naturally comfortable position, prop a pillow or two behind her neck and shoulders.

• A pillow propped under her butt will help with blood flow to the pelvic region, as well as provide you with better access to her genitalia, making it easier for you to connect “lips” and alleviate stress to your neck.

Your Body

It’s important that you have enough space to stretch out and be comfortable—so you’ll probably have to push her up toward the head of the bed. (If you’re both on the floor—also a great place for a session of cunnilingus in that the floor provides a solid flat surface—just make sure there’s some sort of cushioning beneath her, be it a soft rug or plush quilt.)

• Place a pillow beneath your forearms and get your “working hands” as comfortable and close as possible to her vulva.

• Position yourself vertically from her vagina. Other than the
narrow
flaring of her legs, your bodies, taken together, should form a straight line.

• All in all, you should feel perfectly at ease adopting a wide range of motions: licking for long periods of time, sliding
your hands underneath her butt, lifting her legs and rocking her to and fro, placing a hand on her stomach, turning her body from side to side.

Your Head

• They don’t call it “giving head” for nothing. Cunnilingus involves more than just the use of your tongue. You need to get your whole face in there. Your nose should be buried lightly in her mound, with your upper lip and mustache area resting firmly against the front edge of her pubic bone. You should be able to easily use your upper lip and gum to provide light pressure against her front commissure, the area just above the clitoral head where her outer lips meet.

• As for your tongue, it should easily be able to rest against her vaginal entrance and cover its entire expanse from top to bottom. This position enables you to apply a full range of motion with your tongue: from long vigorous licks to deft persistent flicks, from keeping it flat and still to applying focused tongue-tip pressure.

• All in all, you should be completely involved with her vulva; on top of it, buried in it: face, mouth, nose, gums, teeth, and tongue—all of which will be employed one way or another. If a filmmaker were capturing the event, very little would be seen beyond the still back of your head. Certainly, there would be few, if any, flashes of tongue.