Shattered (8 page)
“Irreparable Hearts”
“You and Gabe are okay with staying with her at the apartment until Abel gets back?” Max asked. “Or until we figure out what Abel wants to do?”
“Yeah.” Cole nodded. “It's no problem.” Gabe gave a single nod of agreement.
“You got her clothes and stuff?”
“Uh huh.”
Max sighed, “All right then. I guess we should get down there. Dr. Jacobs wanted to speak with us about getting Savannah set up with the referral doctor.”
“Can I go with you?”
Standing at the far end of the bar, Max, Gabe and Cole spun around quickly. Cole's heart leaped into his throat then went crazy as he found himself staring at Abel's beautiful face. The boy had only been gone over the weekend, yet it had felt like an eternity. “Abel?” Cole breathed then broke into a swift stride and swept him into his arms, squeezing him tight.
“Okay.” Abel croaked. “You're squashing me.”
Cole laughed and released him, but he was then grabbed up by Gabe who hugged him just as fiercely. “Thought you'd left us for good.” Gabe murmured with a notable strain to his voice. When he let loose and Abel could breathe again, he smiled, but there was a waver to it that unnerved Cole; was he back for good...or back to pick up Savannah and take her with him?
Noticing Kaplan, Cole wasn't sure what to feel. Clearly the man had been taking care of Abel. Except for the pain in his eyes that had been there when he'd left, the boy looked good. All decked out in his expensive clothes and what appeared to be a fresh haircut, one would never guess he made a living as a stripper.
“Did you just get back?” Cole asked, his emotions trying to run wild, but he held them in check.
“Yeah.” Abel nodded. “I was hoping you hadn't left for the hospital yet.”
“Savannah's gonna freak.” Gabe grinned. “She's been missing you like crazy.”
“I know.” Abel's lips pressed tight. “I've missed her too.”
Max cleared his throat then stepped forward and finally hugged the boy as well. “It's good to have you home.” he said quietly, sincerely, then glanced at Kaplan and smiled, “I trust Horatio has been...spoiling you rotten?” He drew back.
Kaplan laughed softly and rubbed his mouth as Abel turned and glanced at him. “Yeah.” Abel smiled. “Something like that.”
Watching Kaplan, Cole couldn't deny the way the man's eyes lingered on Abel, occasionally jumping to Max. There seemed to be a storm of emotions roiling inside the man.
“Well, that's good.” Max flashed an unusually soft smile at Kaplan that ignited a deep longing in the man's eyes. Cole had no clue what that was all about and figured it wasn't his business. Abel was back – for now – and that's all that matter at this point in time.
***
“I contacted Dr. Ryland. Savannah will meet with him in a couple days.”
Jacob's words sounded distant, fuzzy, as Devlin walked beside him down the corridor. His head felt thick, heavy, as if full of gravel grating against his skull. Sometime during the night, he had finally made his way back to bed and collapsed in unconsciousness. He hadn't felt any better when he awoke this morning. Somehow he'd managed to adopt the proper 'I feel fine' appearance, but he didn't feel fine. Wondered, in fact, if he would ever feel fine again.
His shoes seemed coated in lead, each step an effort, feeling as if Savannah's departure was the end of something he wasn't ready to let go of. His stomach hurt and his heart felt dislodged and detached, floating inside him, shattered into tiny, sharp fragments that continued to cut at him. Had it not been the day of Savannah's release, he would have called in – dead – sick. But she expected him to be there, and he couldn't disappoint her regardless how much it hurt.
Jacobs shoved open the door to Savannah's room and entered. Devlin stepped in behind him – and froze. Feet rooting to the floor, all the broken pieces of his heart sucked down by gravity and crashing together. Those much longed for amber eyes were suddenly gripping his stare, but he couldn't look, couldn't gaze into those golden depths and see what he had done.
His breath abandoned him, lungs burning, about to collapse. He gripped the door as the occupants of the room began to blur and shimmer before him. “Ex-excuse me.” he whispered shakily to Jacobs. “I...forgot something...” he backed out of the room quickly and hurried down the corridor, legs barely holding him up. I can't do this. I can't. It hurts too much. Oh god...it hurts so much.
He reached for the elevator button, shaking badly, dizziness overtaking him.
“If you walk away now...it will be the biggest mistake of your life.”
Devlin gasped, his head snapping around. He didn't recognize the man, but knew by his mere wardrobe that he was the infamous Kaplan.
***
All it took was a look. Just one. And every memory of him and Devlin came rushing back – every touch, kiss, whisper. How it felt to be held tight in the man's arms, made love to in a way he had never experienced before, or since. His time with Cole and Gabe, and even Kaplan, had been wonderful...but none of them were Devlin.
The tears were burning, rising, and he fought them furiously, losing the battle even before he began as everything became real all at once and crashed down on him. Cole's arms went around him and he drew him away to the far side of the room, holding him tight. Abel clung to him, face pressed hard into the man's shoulder to muffle his cries. “It's gonna be okay.” Cole whispered, squeezing him tight.
“I can't...do this, Cole.” he choked, his strength draining, sagging against the man. “Any of it. Savannah...Devlin...I can't handle it...I can't...”
“Come with me.” Cole led him towards the door. Gabe and Max looked at him with concerned but he just waved them off.
“Abel?” Savannah's voice thickened with tears.
“It's all right, sweetheart.” Gabe moved to her side. “Don't worry about Abel. He's gonna be okay.”
Cole took him out of the room, and Abel broke, crying. Fear and panic overwhelmed him as the magnitude of Savannah's condition hit him, along with the anguish of losing Devlin. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to go back to Italy, to that other world where the pain in this one couldn't touch him.
“Easy, baby.” Cole murmured, holding him on his feet. “Just let it out, it's okay. Let it go.” Cole rubbed his back soothingly and kissed his hair. “You're going to be fine, Abel. I promise. You're not alone in this. We're all here for you, every step of the way.”
Down from Savannah's door were a few chairs situated against the wall and Cole walked him over so he could sit. He leaned forward on his knees and dropped his head in his hands, chest catching with sobs. Cole rubbed his back and stroked his hair.
“I'm so...tired, Cole.” he choked. “I'm tired of...being alive. Everything about life...it hurts.” he shook his head, body shaking as he tried to swallow past his tears. “It always will. I hate it.” his breath shuddered. “You know...at the orphanage...every time after Craig would...” he faltered, throat working. “I would sit in the shower...with a razor...wanting so bad to just do it, end it all, just...make it stop.” Cole pulled him against him and he cried against his neck. “I couldn't tell anyone. He said if I told...he would hurt Savannah...that he would...do to her what he was doing to me.”
“That's over now.” Cole whispered against his hair. “He's gone.”
“He said...no one would believe me.” his breath rushed in and of his throat. “And when I found out he was...Devlin's brother...I could still hear him in my head, laughing at me, telling me that...there was no way his own brother would believe some filthy whore...over him.” He clung tighter to Cole, crying harder. “And he was right.”
“No...he wasn't.”
Abel flinched in Cole's arms, then jerked his head up at the sound of Devlin's choked voice. The man stood a few feet away near the elevators, anguish twisting his face, tears welling. Had he been there all along? Abel hadn't noticed when they'd come out of the room. Kaplan stood off to the side of the man.
“He wasn't right, Abel!” Devlin cried, his hands going into his hair, sobs choking him. “He was...everything you said he was! He...” Devlin twisted away, crying, fingers clenching his hair, body curving over in emotional agony. “He was...”
Shaking his head slowly, Abel rose to his feet. His arms slid around his waist, eyes filling with tears as he watched the man suffer in torment. It's your fault! You did this to him! You should have never told him! Abel stumbled back as he kept shaking his head. “I'm sorry.” he whispered, throat squeezing. “I'm sorry!” He turned and ran. Cole called after him but he ignored him. He couldn't face what he'd done, the destruction he'd caused the one man he loved more than life.
***
When Cole and Gabe brought Savannah to hers and Abel's apartment, Abel was waiting for them. As soon as they came through the door, Abel rushed to Savannah and hugged her tight. “I'm sorry.” he said thickly. “I didn't mean to run out on you.”
Savannah hugged him back. When Abel had disappeared from the hospital, Savannah had grown upset, knowing something was wrong. Her worry for her brother had been sketched across her face until this moment. “Where did you go?” she choked softly. “Why did you leave?”
“I...” Abel glanced at Cole, then drew back, clearing his throat. “It's complicated. But I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere.”
“Why did you have to leave the city?” she asked as they sat down on the sofa. “Where did you go?”
Abel slid his arm around her shoulder. “Someplace really amazing.” he smiled. His eyes were rimmed in red and puffy from crying, and retained a slight sheen. “Italy.”
“Italy?” Savannah stared at him, mouth open. “Really?”
“Yeah.” he licked his lips. “It was beautiful, Savannah. The most amazing place.” The girl's eyes lit up and Abel gazed at her with a distant look. “We can go there, both of us...if you like. We can...live there.”
Cole's gut tightened and he looked at Gabe. Max had mentioned Kaplan's offer of his villa, but that was when they thought Abel might need to be out of the country. But he didn't have to leave now. Why would he...
“Abel...” Cole frowned. “What are you talking about? You don't have to leave.” They had never told Savannah anything about Craig being Devlin's brother, or why Abel had to leave before. He just raised his eyebrows discreetly, indicating what he was talking about.
Nodding slowly, Abel whispered, “I know, but...” tears rose up and he blinked them back. “I want to. Me and Savannah...we can start over. Start living a real life.”
“You can do that here.” Desperation squeezed Cole's voice. He knew he was holding onto the boy too tight, wanting to keep him close. Letting go of someone he loved was not his strong suit.
Abel shook his head and lowered his eyes. “No...I can't.” his voice cracked and he stood up, moving away from the sofa. He turned his back to them and wiped at his eyes. “I can't, Cole.”
Watching her brother, concern creeping back into her eyes, Savannah asked quietly, “If we went away...what about...Dr. Grant?”
Abel's body tightened and Cole could see the boy trying not to break down. Dr. Grant was precisely why Abel wanted to leave and go so far away. He blamed himself for the man's pain and suffering.
“When You Love Someone”
Max looked at him. “Are you sure this is what you want to do?”
Twisting his fingers together, Abel sat on the edge of the sofa in Max's office. “Yes.” he whispered.
Kaplan sat in the leather chair near the sofa, and Max shifted his attention to the man. “You do understand, Horatio,” Max said. “that this is long term, possibly permanent.”
“I understand.” Kaplan murmured and leaned forward. “Abel and Savannah are welcome to stay for as long as they want.”
Sighing, Max returned his gaze to Abel. “If at any time you change your mind and want to come back,” he said sincerely, “You will always have a place to come back to. I promise you that.”
Abel pressed his lips tight and nodded, eyes stinging. “Thank you.” Max stared at him a long moment as Abel kept his eyes on his hands. They all knew why he was leaving, and none of them – including Kaplan – believed his reasons were viable. But he didn't care. Maybe running back to Italy even made him a coward, but he didn't care about that either. He couldn't be in the same city with Devlin, knowing at any moment he might encounter him and be reminded all over again the devastation he'd caused. The man's life had been good, there had been no pain or torment in his eyes when they'd first met. And now – that was all there was.
He remembered telling Devlin that it would have been better if they'd never met. The man had fiercely argued the notion. Abel wondered if he would still argue it. Or had he come to the same conclusion – his entire life would have been better if he'd never invited Abel in.
“Whenever you're ready to go,” Kaplan told him. “We can go. But feel free to take as long as you wish.”
“We'll be ready by tomorrow morning.” Abel whispered thickly. It hurt to leave Cole and Gabe again so soon, but to stay longer would only give them added opportunity to try and convince him to talk to Devlin. He loved them desperately, but he couldn't see the man.
“That soon?” Kaplan raised an eyebrow.
Standing to his feet, Abel murmured through a tight throat, “I just w
ant to go as soon as possible.”
***
“So is Abel coming back to work?” Carl asked from behind the bar.
Eyes distant, Cole twisted the beer bottle on the bar top. “No, I don't think so.” his low voice strained and squeezed. “I think...he's leaving for good.”
Beside him, Gabe slid a hand across his mouth and cleared his throat. They were both feeling the pain of losing such a special person in their lives.
“I thought he hooked up with that doctor.” Carl leaned casually against the inside edge of the bar. “That was the word going around anyway. Saw the guy a couple times.” he whistled low and shook his head. “Hot.”
“Yeah.” Cole murmured. “They made a good match.”
“Didn't work out?”
Cole glanced at Gabe and, like himself, was struggling with his emotions. “I guess you could say that.”
“That's too bad.” Carl said quietly. “The doc seemed like a nice guy. Seemed to really have it bad for Abel too.”
When Carl excused himself to help a customer who had just approached the bar at the far end, Cole slid his hand over Gabe's and squeezed. “There has to be something we can do to make him realize that leaving is a mistake. He's running from his pain and guilt, and that isn't the way to deal with it.”
“He won't listen to reason.” Gabe said. “All he sees is the hurt he caused Devlin. And it's killing him.”
Cole started to reply when Abel came out of Max's office and walked towards them. Both men twisted around on the bar stools to face him. He seemed hesitant to speak, but finally managed to force out the words. “I'm leaving tomorrow.” the lights of the club glimmered off the thin sheen of tears in his eyes. “I think it's best...for everyone.”
Releasing a heavy sigh, Cole leaned forward and gripped Abel's hands, drawing him close. “Well, did you ask everyone before you made that assumption?”
“Cole...”
“Abel, babe...I know it hurts. But sometimes it's the greatest things in our lives that cause us the most pain.” He squeezed his hands. “That's why it hurts so much...because they're so important.”
“I can't stay, Cole.” Abel choked, eyes filling. “You saw him...” he shook his head and tucked his chin to his chest, shuddering with sobs. “I did that to him, Cole. I did it.”
“No.” Cole said tightly, gripping his hands firmly. “You didn't. Craig did. All of this, it's his sin – not yours.”
Tears rolled down Abel's cheek and it ripped at Cole's heart to see the boy hurting this way, and to this degree. He longed to put a stop to it, heal the boy's heart and bring the smile back to his lips – that special smile
that only Devlin could incite.
***
Dejá vu wrapped his mind as darkness fell like a heavy blanket over the city. Lights came on, revealing the mundane activities of the private lives of those who didn't bother to close their shades. To both his joy and his agony, Abel didn't seem to notice or care that his bare windows exposed him to those who took a notion to look.
Devlin was one of the ones who took a notion as he sat in his car, parked across the street from the apartment building, savoring and suffering each and every pass by the window that Abel made. His heart begged him to go up, plead for the young man's forgiveness and – if the heavens were particularly merciful this night – grant him his redemption and salvation in the arms of the very angel he'd maimed.
But the onslaught of images from the hospital haunted Devlin. The boy was a mess, broken down to the last tiny piece. And still he had told Devlin he was sorry? It was that anguished apology that stabbed holes in Devlin's heart.
No, baby, don't you be sorry. Let the blame lay with me, all of it. Don't you carry such guilt. It isn't your fault.
Why couldn't he just enter the building, climb the stairs to Abel's floor, then his door – and tell him all that?
He didn't know what held him back, but rather than abandon the car in search of his elusive redemption, he twisted the key in the ignition and drove away – leaving his damaged heart in the empty space on the pavement next to the curb, where it could perhaps catch one last glimpse of its love before it struck its last beat.
***
The limo hummed quietly, blocking out the sounds of the city as it weaved its way through the crowded streets, forging a path that would eventually lead to the airport. Abel sat beside Kaplan, just the two of them alone. Cole and Gabe had promised Savannah a trip to the zoo so she could take pictures of the animals, and Kaplan had told them to take their time and let the girl enjoy herself. He and Abel would wait for them on the plane.
“Do you think I'm weak?” Abel whispered as he watched the city flash by outside the tinted windows.
“Why would you ask that?”
“Because I'm running away.” he said thickly.
Kaplan took hold of his hand and kissed it softly, drawing Abel's wet gaze to his face. “I've done my fair share of running away from what hurts, Abel. I'll be the last person to stand in judgment of you.”
Abel stared at him a moment, then asked quietly, “What did you say to him?”
“Who?”
“Devlin.” Abel whispered, the very sound of his name gouging fresh wounds in his heart. “When you left Savannah's room to go after him.”
Sighing, Kaplan replied, “I told him if he walked out on you, it would be the biggest mistake of his life.”
His throat squeezing, Abel whispered, “What...what did he say?”
Reaching up, Kaplan ran his fingers through Abel's soft hair. “What difference does it make now?” he murmured. “You're leaving him behind. You don't really care what he had to say...” He slid his thumb down the curve of his jaw, “do you?”
His vision blurred and he turned away as warm tears began to slide down his cheeks. “No.” he shuddered and wiped his face with trembling fingertips.
Kaplan rested his hand on the back of his neck, massaging gently. “I didn't think so.”
Silence settled between them until they were driving across the tarmac towards Kaplan's private jet. When the limo came to a stop, the driver opened Abel's door. He started to climb out then noticed Kaplan made no move to follow. “Are you...coming?”
Kaplan smiled. “I have a few things to take care of before the flight.” he said. “But make yourself at home.”
“Okay.” Abel murmured doubtfully.
“Hey.” Kaplan called when he started to leave. Abel turned back, and Kaplan motioned him back inside. Abel frowned but slid across the seat, then was caught in a deep, passionate kiss as Kaplan help him tight in his arms. When he finally drew back, Kaplan's eyes were glossy with tears. “Thank you.” he whispered, his words straining.
Abel wanted to cry and didn't understand why. “For what?”
Stroking his cheeks, Kaplan smiled, “For everything.” he kissed him softly on the mouth then pressed his lips to his brow. “If anyone deserves to be happy...it's you.” he dipped his head and brushed his lips across Abel's ear. “I added a little bonus to your bank account...just for being so wonderful and amazing.”
“I don't...” Abel started, but Kaplan motioned towards the door.
“Go on now.” When Abel slid back out, he glanced at Kaplan once more. The man gazed at him as if looking at him for the last time. “Love is a battlefield, baby...don't ever stop fighting.”
Before Abel could ask him what he meant, the door closed and the driver returned to the front of the limo. Moments later, the long black Cadillac pulled away, leaving him standing alone on the tarmac.
Abel watched the limo disappear, Kaplan's last words feeling heavy...as if he were saying goodbye. But that made no sense. He glanced towards the plane. The pilot stood at the foot of the steps, hands clasped behind his back. When Abel approached, the man smiled and shook his hand then motioned him up the steps.
A startled frown pinched Abel's brow when the man closed up the door and locked it tight. “What...” Abel shook his head. “What are you doing?”
“Mr. Kaplan's orders.” was all the man said in explanation, then added, “Please take a seat for take off.”
“I don't understand.” Abel started but the pilot disappeared to the front of the plane. His stomach churning, Abel took a seat in one of the cushioned chairs by the window. What the hell was going on?
Abel closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the window as the plane began to move then it was in the air and headed...where?
“Just so you know...this wasn't all my idea.”
Abel jumped, eyes snapping open to find Devlin sitting in the seat before him. His breath caught and staggered in his throat. Was he dreaming? Had he already fallen asleep? Devlin couldn't be...
“It was a unanimous decision that trapping you in midair was the only way to prevent you from running away from me.” he leaned forward and took Abel's hands in his, kissing them softly. Though the pain was there in his midnight eyes...his love for Abel overshadowed it.
Tears welled up and spilled over. “Devlin...”
“Don't.” Devlin stood and lifted him to his feet, drawing him close. “Don't, baby. You have nothing to be sorry for. You set me free...in so many ways.” his lips moved close, barely touching Abel's mouth, as the man whispered thickly, “The man I thought he was...didn't exist. You didn't take anything from me...because I never had it.” he closed his eyes, tears seeping down his face. “What hurt the most in all this...was losing you.”
Abel trembled, sobs building in his throat. He moved closer, touching his lips to Devlin's mouth in a soft kiss. The man broke and wrapped him in his arms, letting the kiss deepen, and strengthen, and fill with passion.
“Give me a tour of the plane.” Devlin shuddered through their kiss.
“Where should I start?” Abel moaned, his mouth unwilling to leave Devlin's lips.
Devlin smiled and murmured, “The bedroom.”