Repented (5 page)

Skylar seemed at ease and excited. Right then, there was no doubting that Kevin was at least trying. “Yep, I haven’t been to a zoo before.”

Kevin looked at me and I shrugged. It was hard for me to take him to do things like this when I had to work, and we didn’t have a lot of extra money. Even things like going to a movie or getting McDonald’s were saved for special treats. We made our way to the long line and waited to go through security. I don’t remember zoos having security. I guess the times had changed from when I was a kid. Though the only time I'd get the luxury of doing something like this was a class trip.

When we made it to the front of the line, Kevin handed the guy our tickets, and they waved the metal detector around him. His wallet set it off, so they had him step off to the side. Skylar and I were let through and asked to keep moving. They quickly frisked him and saw that he didn’t have any weapons and sent us on our way. Skylar’s face lit up when he all the animals came into view.

We veered to the left since everyone else was going to the right and started walking. We saw lions, tigers, and bears, oh my! Plus, a bunch of monkeys, different kinds of birds, reptiles and a variety of other furry friends. Kevin took the time to read off all the facts at each exhibit and him and Sky bantered effortlessly. I noticed he slowed his pace so that his stride matched Skylar's.

After we had been about half way through, there was a concession stand that sold hot dogs, pretzels, and pizza. We stopped, and Kevin bought us lunch. Peacocks and ducks wandered freely around the table and flocked over when we started tossing them small pieces of bread.

I was pleased to see the boys bonding, secretly wishing I fit into the picture a little more. Instead, it felt like my heart was in my throat the whole time. I was struggling knowing that Kevin was supposed to starting a new chapter of his life as a husband, only to have it taken away because of me. It wasn't a pleasant feeling. Also, seeing them like this made me wish I had said something sooner. All the things that he missed out on over the years because of me.

Everyone thought I was holding on to Derek for a huge payday. Though I could use the money, it couldn’t be further from the truth. Deep down, I always held onto hope that Derek would come back to me. That we'd be a family, because that was all I ever wanted. I should have known a long time ago that there was no chance of that, but it kept me going. After seeing him and Joss together, it was easy to see they belonged together. It stung, but he deserved to be happy. This whole ordeal was just as much about me starting over as it was them. I spent too many years running away that it was time start living in the present. 

Through the last half, I tried to keep a few steps behind them so they could feel like they were having more of a one on one experience. The only downfall was that it left my mind going a million miles an hour. I couldn't shut it off no matter how hard I concentrated.

I didn’t have the easiest upbringing. Teenage junkie mother. Baby daddy, unknown. I was most likely conceived over a twenty dollar bag of crack. This left me being raised by my elderly grandparents. My mom was an oops, and my grandma had her at 47. Yeah, I know. My grandfather passed away when I was five, so that left me and my grandma. When I was eleven, my mom ended up being murdered by her pimp in a drug deal gone bad. I'd like to say I was torn up about it, but that's kind of hard considering I barely knew her. The only time that she came around was to ask Grandma for money that we didn't have.

Tammi Meyers was only out for herself in this life. When I was a freshman in high school, right after Thanksgiving, my grandma passed away suddenly from a massive stroke. No other family wanted anything to do with me. I was the black sheep. Of course, they had no problem dividing the estate, what little there was. This epic fairytale landed me a spot in foster care.

It was hunt or be hunted. There were more kids than spots, especially if you weren't an infant or toddler. A lot of the families that took kids in did it for the government cheese. Don't get me wrong, a good amount of people do it because they have a lot of love and a nice home to offer. That just wasn't the experience I was granted with. I was tossed into an overcrowded, co-ed group home where I was alone and scared.

That’s where I met Derek. He was this built, tough, bad boy that no one fucked with. I was instantly drawn to him. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him, but our relationship was toxic. We were both broken kids with little to no coping mechanisms. We fought all the time. People would always refuse to go out in public with us for fear of one of our “episodes”. But, he was my protector, and I can’t exactly say I didn’t egg him on a lot of the time.

When we turned eighteen and got married, it was us giving the middle finger to the system. We lived in a tiny shithole of an apartment. We ate more Ramen than any human should ever consume, but we had some good times there. Young, stupid and in
love.
We survived. From the time I was a little girl watching Disney movies and reading fairytales, all I ever wanted was my own family. I craved unconditional love. Someone to fight for me, not with me.

It was that night that Sky was most likely conceived that made me realize I was living in a world of delusion. Derek and I were no good for each other. In hindsight, I should have picked anyone other than Kevin that night. It was almost like my way of giving the ultimate fuck you to Derek. I didn't realize all the repercussions that would stem from it at the time. Kevin was wild, but always had a good heart. Even then, you could tell that the person he is now was hiding somewhere in there, he just needed to find it.

Seeing how patient he was with Skylar made me feel guilty for taking this away from him, from both of them.

Before I knew it, we came up on the exit. Hours passed by like minutes. If only I were able to enjoy it more than I did. Of course, the exit for the zoo was through the gift shop.

“Hey buddy, do you want something?” Kevin asked. Skylar’s eyes lit up. He looked at me for permission, and I shrugged. He looked at Kevin grinning and nodded his head. “Okay, let’s find you something.”

Kevin put his hand on Skylar’s shoulder and led him over to the stuffed animals. He dropped down to be more on his level, and it made me smile. After finding one stuffed monkey for $24.50 we were on our way. I wasn’t sure how this was going to turn out, or what the future held, but overall and given the circumstances today was a good day.

CHAPTER SIX

GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY

KEVIN

Back in the silence of my apartment, I was going with the twists and turns as they came. Kennedy was doing her best to give me space to get to know Skylar. I appreciated it more than she could ever know. He was a smart kid and asked tons of questions while we were at the zoo. It’s times like that where I’m grateful for Google.

I finally bit the bullet and called my parents back. Although they were far from happy about what went down at the wedding, they were elated at the possibility of being grandparents. My dad didn’t say much, as usual, but my mom had a thousand and one questions. They were glad we did the paternity test and wanted the results as soon as I had them in hand.

A knock on the door startled me. Part of me prayed that it was Bryn, but the chances were very slim. Quickly looking through the peep hole, I saw Derek standing there with a six-pack in hand.

“You gonna open the door or just stand there creeping on me?” He said, putting his eye to the hole.

Unlatching the door, Derek strode into the living room and sat on the couch.

“My man,” he said patting the seat next to him and twisting a cap off a beer. “These are strictly for me so that you know.”

“I figured. It’s been tempting, but I’m fucking trying.”

“Listen, I needed to come here and apologize for being such a dick and handling that situation the way I did. Am I still pissed? Yeah, kinda. But, if it hadn’t happened I would have been stuck there, raising a kid that wasn’t mine and giving up my dream. In a way, you saved me. I would have never got together with Joss. She’s it for me, bro. Like legit, stick a fork in me I’m done. Toasted. Finished. I don’t even want to look at other girls. I can’t even get up with porn anymore, it’s that bad.” He took a long draw from his beer and cracked open another.

“I’m happy for you, D. Honestly.”

“Any word from Bryn?” He asked. I shook my head. “If it’s any conciliation, it’s better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho for the rest of your life. I don’t think she was all she was cracked up to be. She acted like this was the end of the world. Sure it was a huge shock, but if she were in it for the right reasons she would have stood by you. At the very least until shit was figured out.”

“I don’t get it either. I thought we were forever, and I miss her, but I don’t feel like it’s the end of the world anymore. In other words, I don’t feel like how I thought I would be feeling.” 

“Stop. You’re beating yourself and trying to figure it all out. Best piece of advice from Granny Jean ever, don’t try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other. She couldn’t be more right if she tried and you know that woman is a genius.”

I couldn’t help but smile. Granny Jean was Aubrey’s spitfire of a grandma. She smoked Lucky Strikes like a chimney, drank straight Jack Daniels and swore like a sailor. She had a way with words and tearing people new assholes, without making you realize she was doing it. Derek’s dad, Derek Sr., was going to be staying with her until he got on his feet. He was just being released from prison for a manslaughter charge stemming from a DUI accident that resulted in the death of Derek’s younger brother. His mom was so grief-stricken that she ultimately ended up taking her own life. The amount of pain and loss Derek went through, it's hard to believe he can even still manage to be optimistic.

I reached to the table and picked up the bottle top. I tossed it into the air and caught it. “I’m past trying to understand everything. I’m taking every day as it comes. Things will work out how they're meant to.”

“That’s a good attitude. I just wanted you to know that as pissed as I was at first; I love you like a brother. This whole situation blows harder than a hooker on rent day, but it’s going to work out the way it’s supposed to.”

“Who do I speak to about quitting adulthood?” I joked.

“When you find out let me know,” he clasped his hand on my shoulder. “I’m taking the rest of these bad boys and getting back to Joss. I just didn't want you thinking I was still mad at you.”

It was obvious to see he was indeed very much in love. I followed him to the door and locked it behind him. Knowing that he wasn’t pissed, and the band would remain intact was enough for me to feel like I could end the day. I grabbed my phone and put it on the bedside table. There was a text from Kennedy.

Skylar is out like a light. Thank you for today. I hope it wasn’t too awkward.

I responded.
Today was great and not that awkward. It will get easier. Night!

My big decision for the night was whether or not to see if Dana wanted to come back. She didn't expect anything from me. I hadn't seen her in years, and we picked up as if no time passed at all. She wasn't clingy then, and she's still the same way. As I contemplated it, I realized that wasn't necessarily feeling horny, but I wasn't feeling like being alone. I picked up my cell and called her. She told me she'd be over in twenty.

After unlocking the door, I turned the television on and kicked back, putting my feet up on the coffee table. That was almost like giving another mental middle finger to Bryn. It drove her nuts, but oh did it feel good.

When Dana showed up, it was obvious she had already been out having a good time. Her dilated pupils and carefree motions were sure signs she had recently snorted. She walked over to where I was sitting and straddled my waist, wrapping her arms around the back of my neck. "I wasn't expecting to hear from you again. I have to say, it was a pleasant surprise. How was the day with the kid stuff?"

"Actually, it went well. We should get the results back in two days, right before I'm supposed to head back to Ohio to start recording again. But, so far so good. He's a cool kid."

She smiled genuinely at me. "Glad to hear that." Her face turned hesitant. "Did you want a hit before we get started? Last night was fucking incredible. You went forever!"

The internal struggle resumed.
Fuck.
Why do I always put myself in stupid positions?
I did not need to be getting carried away and get hooked. 
You did it last night, and you were fine.
The devil on my left said.
Don't do it.
The angel on my right said.
Think about how good it makes you feel. How amazing it makes the sex. You'll be fine if you do it just one last time.
Fuck it.

"Sure, just a half though."

She pulled the long chain from around her neck and lifted it up, popping the top off the vile. She handed it to me. I positioned the knuckle of my pointer finger to my right nostril, inhaling with the left. Sucking it in as deep as possible, I handed it back to her and hoped that I didn't just make a monumental mistake.

She leaped up from my lap and started back to the bedroom. "Come fuck me, handsome."

Meaningless sex was something I used to be a pro at. I was about to hit a slippery slope. Both figuratively and literally.

KENNEDY

It was our last day here in LA, before heading back home to Phoenix. As much as it was nice to have the chance to get out of Arizona, I think I aged ten years the past week. It wasn't even ten in the morning, and I had already almost finished packing our stuff into suitcases, leaving out just the necessities.

I made quick work of doing my makeup and put on a pair of white shorts and a black t-shirt. Skylar was ready and playing a game on my phone. He told me there was a text from Kevin, but that he didn’t read it. He came into the bathroom and handed me my phone. Today was also the day we were heading to the lab to pick up the paternity test results.

I want you to know that no matter what the results are I want to help you get to a better place in life. I owe you that much after walking away from you like I did. Especially when you could have used a friend. See you soon!

“Come on, buddy. We have to go.” I said, grabbing my purse.

“Are we going to see Kevin again?” Skylar asked.

My heart hammered like a caged hummingbird; it felt like it was going to burst through my ribcage. Why was I feeling so nervous? Kevin had been great and so reassuring that I didn't double that he was going to be there.

“Yep. I’m going to drop you off at Jake and Aubrey’s house for a little bit first. They have a baby, and twins to play with. And guess what? Their house is right on the beach. You can even go play in the waves if you want.” His face lit up, as he ran and grabbed his swim trunks.

I was grateful when Aubrey called last night and offered to watch Skylar while Kevin and I went to get the results. Throughout this whole ordeal, I tried my best to keep him as sheltered from everything as possible. He was a smart and intuitive kid, so there wasn't going to be pulling any wool over his eyes. At the same token, he was only nine and didn't need to be concerned with grown up problems. He knew most families had a mom and a dad, but that some families only had one or the other, or two of each. He knew that family was made of people that loved you and stood by you no matter what, and that they’re not always your blood.

We climbed into the rental, and I plugged in the address she texted me into the GPS. The LA traffic was no joke. The 405 was gridlocked until we finally got off the exit. After a handful of turns down windy roads, I pulled up to a gate that stood in front of an enormous house with two Range Rovers parked in the driveway.
Oh, how the other half live.
After pressing the call button, the gates swung open, and Aubrey stood in the doorway holding an adorable little baby girl.

“Did you have any trouble finding it?” She asked.

“Not once we got through the traffic,” I laughed.

“Yeah, I could never live here full time. I’d go homicidal on someone,” she stood off to the side and gestured for us to go inside. Jake was sprawled out on the floor coloring with the twins, still looking gorgeous as ever.

“Kennedy!” He yelled getting to his feet. “Hey, little dude.” He greeted Skylar, mussing up his hair. “Jameson and Violet are over there coloring. We were waiting to head outside until you got here. Why don’t you go put your stuff down and I’ll be right there.”

The house was stunning. It was completely open with tons of natural light coming in from the mostly glass back of the house. I probably looked like an idiot as I stood there taking it all in. I always hoped that one day I would be able to afford a place of my own for Sky and me.

“This place is beautiful.”

“Thanks. It was Jake’s before we met. We did some renovation after the kids were born, so we could come back while they recorded. Since they left the label they’ll be doing most of their recording in Ohio for now, but we love it here." She smiled contently. "Can I get you anything to drink? A Zanex?" She joked.

"I'm good, thanks though."

I followed her over to the plush gray sectional and took a seat. She bounced baby Ella on her knee. Skylar came over, dressed in his swim trunks grinning from ear to ear. I gave him a kiss while Jake stood at the massive glass sliding door with the twins. It was crazy to see Jake in dad mode, but somehow it suited him. He was really a big kid anyway. The Jake that I knew growing up swore he was never getting married or settling down. He was Jake Parker, terminal bachelor. Now a happily married man.

I watched as they headed out onto the sprawling deck that led to the ocean.

My nerves were already frayed, and Kevin wasn’t even here yet.

"So, are you ready? Brett went to go get Kevin. They’re probably stuck in the same traffic you were in and should be here soon."

Aubrey was so easy to be around. You could tell she has a hard exterior, but deep down she has a heart of gold.

"It's been an emotional week. It will be nice to put it all behind us."

Aubrey filled me in on a little about herself, and her family back home. How she and Piper were best friends for most of their lives and Blake fell head over heels in love with her. That it was an uphill battle, but they managed to overcome everything and finally be together. They have a little girl Waverly, who is the same age as their youngest Ella.

At the same time as I was taking everything in, it also made me realize what I missed out on. What Skylar missed out on. No one ever threw me a baby shower. I never had reprieve from someone like Jake. It was always me and finding a way to make it with whatever I had.

Finally, the front door opened, and a mini version of the Hulk strode in. I imagined that was Brett and behind him was Kevin. He was all smiles and seemed relaxed. I only wish I could be that relaxed. Mine was all façade. Everything in the last ten years had brought me to this point right now. Change was never my thing, but life didn’t exactly always give you a choice.

“Hey Kennedy,” Kevin greeted, kissing my cheek. “Today’s the big day. Are you ready?”

He held his hand out to help me up. “As ready as I’ll ever be. Would you mind driving? I’m not too keen on LA driving.”

“Gladly.”

Handing him the keys to the rental car, I said goodbye to Aubrey and yelled one last one to Sky. He was having so much fun, he barely looked back and gave a quick wave. Taking a deep breath, I followed Kevin out to the car. He opened the door for me to get inside. My heart rate picked back up again. My hands felt clammy and my throat dry. They always say the truth will set you free, it was time for things to come full circle.