Reason to Believe (White Lace) (21 page)

It was the smartest decision I could ever make.

I didn’t need a man to whisk me away. I didn’t need a man to save me. I had relied on Ben to make everything better. I had relied on the physical connection between us to become my go-to means of dealing with my emotions.

It wasn’t healthy. And it sure as hell wasn’t practical. Practical was leaving this office with my dignity intact and forging my own path.

I had thought that retiring from escorting would allow me to re-immerse into the real world and finally live the life I’d wanted. But now, having left it all behind, I realized I would always live my life on the periphery.

Ben and I might have crashed and burned, but I had learned a valuable lesson. Even a man with a dark and tainted sexual history wasn’t able to come to terms with mine. And so I’d move forward, watching the world unfold.

An outsider, looking in.

I made my way into the office. One monotonous day after the other. That’s how I’d been feeling for the last week. Instead of the anxiety I’d get whenever I walked through the doors, I had an overwhelming sense of sadness that hadn’t let up since Grace had left my house.

And I’d let her. Because I was afraid.

I’d only let one other woman with the power to crush me into my life. Ultimately she had, but it wasn’t her fault, and I couldn’t be mad at cancer. I knew Ellie had loved me, she’d proven it time and again.

But stupidly, I’d added Grace to that list. And she’d done exactly as expected. She’d crushed me. Ruined me.

We’d ruined each other.

An hour into my day, I received an email from Cory.

His placement was over and it was weird being in the office without him. Sort of like something was missing from my day.

I hadn’t wanted to take him in. It had been the last thing I’d wanted to do. But it had been the best decision I’d ever made. I’d proven, even if only to myself, that I was more than just the guy who filmed people fucking. In my own way, and at my own speed, I’d helped this company succeed. I just had to believe in myself. And that belief also meant that I was ready to consider a life beyond porn. When the time was right. For now, my loyalties were still with Hirsh.

I opened Cory’s email. It was a thank-you with a file attached. When I clicked on it, the media player came to life.

It was the scene that he’d filmed with Grace and me. The kiss in my office.

He’d edited it and added music. It started off slow, just Grace standing still. He must have looped it because I didn’t remember her standing there for so long. And then I entered—more like stalked my way into view. Grace looked vulnerable, yet desirous, despite the good show she’d put on in the moment.

The kiss was the hottest thing I’d ever watched on film, and my body was reacting accordingly. Heat crept up my neck and settled in my cheeks. My heartbeat quickened and I was hyperaware of it pounding in my chest. I leaned closer to the screen, sliding it away from the door so no one could see. Because this was just for me. This moment between us was intensely private.

I’d been searching for the perfect scene, the moment when reality suspended just for a moment and there was nothing else but two people in the moment—feeling, not thinking, gobbling each other up with such intensity that gave you no other choice but to fall with them.

“Benson.” I looked up when someone knocked on my door, scrambling to click the X at the top of the screen.

Hirsh stood there, his suit perfectly tailored. His hair perfectly coifed. He was style and sophistication. Business yet casual at the same time.

I cleared my throat, taking a deep breath, doing my best to tamp down the excitement that had taken over my body the moment I’d clicked on that file. “What’s up, Hirsh?”

Upon my greeting he nodded and slowly entered; it was odd, because he’d never waited for me to acknowledge him before, and when he sat down, he blew out a heavy breath.

I was legitimately nervous. I had an inkling he was going to tell me to go back to directing. That he’d found someone else to be VP, because I stank.

But that’s what you want. You miss being behind the camera.

But not at the expense of my pride and work ethic.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

“There’s no right way to say this, so I’m just going to do it.” Our eyes locked, regret staring back at me. “I’m selling the company.”

I barked out a laugh. “You’re selling White Lace?” I turned away from him, back to my computer. That was crazy talk.

“Yes. I am.”

I froze, my eyes the only part of me that looked at him. His face was stone cold. And I felt my casual smile drain from my face. And the more I thought about it, the more my smile faded into a confused frown.

“No way. You can’t.” Finally, I moved, sitting back in my chair. It felt like all the blood was leaving my body. “You’d never.”

He cocked his head and regarded me with that same affection he’d given me since I was eleven. It had been a look I’d missed over the last few months, because he’d been so absent. “You’re unhappy.”

“Who said…?” The fact that my voice was a little higher on the octave scale only proved how right he was. I shook my head, but didn’t get the chance to continue.

“Benson, I’ve known you more than half your life. I know when you’re unhappy.”

“I’m just busy, Hirsh. There’s a lot to do.”

I’d convinced myself that I was actually doing a good job. That people outside of this company thought I had promise. But now I find out I was sucking so bad that Hirsh was selling the company. If Max had still been VP, I bet the thought wouldn’t have even crossed Hirsh’s mind.

“Fine.” I jumped out of my chair and started to pace. “Let’s say I am unhappy. Why would that even matter?”

“I learned something when Max decided to go out on his own and buy a hotel.” He turned in his seat and followed me as I paced beside my desk. “It was a hard pill to swallow, but it made me realize that I had let him down. I let both of you down.”

“Hirsh…” I stopped short and ran my hand through my hair. “If there’s one thing in this world I know, it’s that you did
not
let me down.”

He shook his head. “Porn is all I’ve ever known.” I could tell by the look on his face that he was sincerely upset over this. “And it was good for me. I assumed it would be good for you, too.”

He started to continue, but I stopped him by holding up my hand. “I owe you everything. You saved me from a neglectful mother and potentially a sad and unsafe life. Whatever I need to do to keep this company going for you, I will.”

I just wasn’t working hard enough. I could do better.

“I know…and that’s why I’m selling. The deal has been finalized. On February first, White Lace officially belongs to Randall Hunter.”

“But…”

Randall Hunter? Besides being a complete asshat, he owned the largest porn production company in California. And this was all going down in February? That was only two months away. Choosing to find a life outside of White Lace was all fine and dandy when it was a concept. But now it was real, and happening much faster than I had anticipated.

“You can’t sell, Hirsh. What about the actors? Our staff? Our existing contracts? You can’t sell to Hunter. He’ll pick the company apart. You’ve worked too hard to…”

I was kind of losing my shit. The reality of having to face my future without White Lace was terrifying. But it was a good thing I’d always feared this day would come, and had stashed away money to fund my way to Silicon Valley. I was a porn director, and I had to go where there was work. But now that it was happening, it didn’t seem like the right plan.

“We’ve all worked hard to get where we are today and I know that you’ve had a big hand in our sales taking off over the last five years. Both you and Max. You were a good team.”

“More like he was a rock star and I rode his coattails.”

Everyone knew that. It wasn’t until he left that I had to fend for myself.

“Ben.” He looked at me disapprovingly.

“I know I’m good behind the camera.” I sat down again, rolling my chair under the desk as far as I could go. “I’m really good behind the camera, but I couldn’t even finish school. Why am I so damn arrogant?”

“You have every right to be. You are a genius, and I can only imagine what you could create on film without people fucking.”

I laughed. “Who doesn’t want to see people fucking?”

“Touché.” Hirsh laughed with me, but when the silence grew heavy between us, he continued. “I’m sorry I’m not giving you more notice, but this is happening.”

He was serious. Hirsh Levin, the king of porn, was selling his business.

Panic mode set in.

I wasn’t sure what to do with that information, where to compartmentalize it, like I did everything else. Off the top of my head, this would be filed in the I’m-severely-fucked compartment.

There was only one other thing in that compartment—or someone, Grace Nolan.

I’d known the moment we met in that coffee shop that I was fucked where she was concerned, and the last few weeks hadn’t made it any better. But as of the new year, I’d have a choice to make. I either packed up and left everything I loved behind and moved to Silicon Valley to continue in porn, or I stayed here and stared down the bullet of doing something out of my comfort zone. If I chose the latter, I’d no longer work in porn, which meant that Grace didn’t have to stay away from me.

Now that we were completely over, wasn’t it ironic how the one thing keeping us apart was no longer an issue?

“I came for another reason.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out an envelope. “I came to give you your bonus.”

“Hirsh, I haven’t done anything to deserve—”

“Hush, now.” He slid it across the desk. “You’ve kept the company running while I made this deal. I know I’ve been absent. I’ve missed meetings, but it’s only because I knew you had everything under control.”

I coughed out a half laugh. “You had that much confidence in me?”

“I
have
that much confidence in you.”

“I thought…” I ran my hands over my head, pressing my fingers into my scalp, enjoying the pressure. “I thought I sucked and you just didn’t want to witness my sucking.” Hirsh laughed as I opened the envelope. When I registered the contents, I let out a long whistle. It was a check. “
That
is a lot of zeros.”

“I decided I only needed fifty-one percent of the company assets. The other forty-nine, I split between you and Max.”

“You what? Hirsh, I—”

“Max didn’t want to take it.” He stood, grabbing the two sides of his suit jacket and threading the buttons through the holes. “So he settled on ten percent and called it a finder’s fee for bringing you home all those years ago.”

I slapped my jaw shut. “You’re giving me thirty-nine percent of White Lace?”

With his hands clasped behind his back, Hirsh in all his confidence stared down at me. “You can pursue anything you want, Ben. Take time off. See the world. Go back to school. Buy a boat and live on the lake outside your house for the rest of your life. Just promise me that you’ll be happy. With whatever you choose.”

Like the gentleman he was, Hirsh bid me farewell with a smile and walked out the door like it was just any other day.

That evening, I made my way home in a daze. Pretty soon I’d be jobless. With a rich, fat bank account, but jobless nonetheless. Couple that with how badly I’d fucked up with Grace and you could say I was seriously losing my shit.

I threw my keys on the glass table by my front door and slammed it behind me. I kicked off my shoes and headed straight to the kitchen for a beer. With a green bottle in my hand, I retreated to my movie room, flopping on the couch.

The crack of the bottle cap was a welcome sound and I downed half the beer in one long gulp. I shouldn’t have come into this room, because it only forced me to think about Grace and the last time we’d spent together. Right here. On this couch. And how I’d so carelessly screwed her, because it had been what I’d wanted. I’d once again taken advantage without care of anyone else’s feelings. But I couldn’t help it. Reverting back to my old ways was how I was able to get through it. But even my best attempt at trying to keep her at a distance had been foiled the moment she gave me one last look in my doorway and walked out of my life for good.

I glanced to the floor and something green caught my eye. A reusable bag sat by the armchair. Grace must have brought it with her last week.

I put the beer down and made my way to it, a heaviness settling over me. It was only three steps across the room but if felt like every one was weighed down with cement blocks.

I peeked inside, unable to figure out what was there. I pulled out an unmarked box. No indication where it came from or what was inside it. I opened it, moving aside tissue paper to reveal tickets. I didn’t recognize the logo, but there was no mistaking the name in bold capital letters.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.

She’d gotten me tickets to a special screening of all four
Terminator
movies.

Holy shit.

And there was a picture. Of Arnold the cat. And a certificate of adoption. She’d adopted him in my name.

I was a fucking idiot. She’d had every intention of being there for the speakers series. This was probably her congratulatory present because she’d known I would do a good job.

She had believed in me, even when I hadn’t fully believed in myself.

But it had taken her disappearance for me to move forward on my own. Without even knowing it, by breaking my heart, she’d given me the one thing in the world I needed: confidence in myself.

And I had been such a fucking asshole.

Her gift was more than just movie tickets and a cat. It was a reminder that I had dreams. That I had so much pent-up creativity I was bursting to get it out. And it had more to it than porn. Pretty soon I’d have the world at my feet and I’d be able to do whatever I wanted. And for me to figure that out, I needed to go back to the basics. Tomorrow morning I’d call Professor Hughes and find out how to enroll in her program, or at least get on its damn waiting list.

But I knew none of that would be as great if I didn’t have Grace to share it with.

I needed to make this right, and I knew exactly how to do it. I might not be the stereotype, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t give Grace at least some of what she wanted.

I would have to do some major groveling if I was going to prove I was worthy of her.

And I’d do it, because it was time that Grace Nolan finally got her happily ever after.