Pieces of My Heart (44 page)

‘Would you have married Paul if he didn’t want children?’ Sally asked.

I winced. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Don’t lie, Ava. You always wanted kids. You wouldn’t have married someone who didn’t.’

There was nothing I could say. She was right. I was going to have children by hook or by crook and nothing and no one would have stopped me. Thankfully Paul wanted them too.

‘You need to find a middle ground,’ I said, trying in vain to find a solution.

‘There is no middle ground. Maybe I should change my mind,’ Sally said softly.

‘Do you think you could have kids with Simon?’

She shook her head. ‘No. But I don’t want to lose him. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t want to give it all up, but I know having kids is the wrong thing for me. Oh, God, Ava, what am I going to do?’

I held her hand. ‘All I can say is that you have to be true to yourself. Ever since I’ve known you you’ve been adamant about not having children. When Simon came along I did wonder if you’d change your mind, but you didn’t and you haven’t. Children, in my experience, are wonderful but they’re also bloody hard work and if you didn’t want them in the first place I think they could break a marriage and a person.’

‘But what if I have a baby and fall in love with it like Simon’s cousin?’

‘That could happen, and if it did it would be wonderful, but you have to trust your instinct. I love being a mum, I really do, but I always wanted children. If you decide to have a child it has to be for yourself and not for Simon. You can’t live a lie with kids. You’ll be found out. They can sense if they’re loved and wanted or not. They are incredibly sensitive, fragile human beings, as we’ve seen with Ali. Seriously, Sally, you can’t have a Band-aid baby, it won’t work. I’ve seen so many people have babies to save their marriages – and that’s the last thing a baby is going to do. It puts a huge strain on relationships. Yes, it’s amazing and wonderful and miraculous and utterly joyful, but it’s also no sleep, shitty nappies, crying, worrying and stress.’

‘That’s why I don’t want kids. But does that make me a selfish person?’

‘No! It makes you very sane and clear-minded. You’ve never wanted children and, even though you’ve met a wonderful man, you still don’t want them. And to be honest, Sally, if you had a child just to make Simon happy you might end up resenting the baby and him.’

‘Why do I have to choose between a baby and Simon? It’s not fair. Why do I have to lose Simon because I don’t want a baby? Jesus, Ava, I’ve waited so long to meet someone and now …’

‘OK. What if you did have a baby? What if you just decided to go for it?’

‘The thought terrifies me. I can’t do it.’

‘Well, then, you have to trust those feelings. Talk to Simon, be totally honest. Tell him how much you love him and don’t want to lose him. Tell him you think the two of you is enough and that changing who you are is the same as living a lie. I bet you he’ll come round – he adores you.’

‘I’m scared, Ava. What if he doesn’t come round?’

I hugged my best friend tight. There was no answer to that question.

49

A few days later, Paul and I had a session with Mary Boland. I thought it was going to be a family session with Ali, but it turned out to be just me and Paul. Mary said she was delighted with Ali’s progress and that if she continued to put on weight in the next week or so, she’d be allowed home for half a day as a treat.

‘That’s fantastic.’ I beamed at Paul, who squeezed my hand.

‘Yes, I thought you’d be pleased,’ said Mary. ‘Putting on six pounds in four weeks is really excellent. You should be very proud. This was probably the most difficult thing Alison has ever done. But I don’t want you to think she’s better just yet. There is still a long road ahead. She still feels sick after eating – bloated and uncomfortable. She still counts the calorie and fat content of every morsel she puts into her mouth. She still has the urge to exercise after every meal. But the important thing is that she’s fighting it.’

Once again my excitement was reined in. Every time I thought Ali was cured, the experts assured me she wasn’t. Anorexia seemed to be a life sentence. Did you ever break free of it? Food was always going to be a part of Ali’s life – you have to eat to live. Would she ever be able to sit down and enjoy a meal again? Would food always be a battleground? I felt as if we were constantly taking one step forward and half a step back. But it was vital that I understood everything about the illness if I was to help Ali cope when she came home. I was terrified of making a mistake and having her end up back in the clinic, like Emily.

‘Will the anorexia ever go away?’ I asked Mary.

‘Yes, it can, but not for a long time. It tends to re-emerge at times of stress. Alison’s negative thoughts will be the very last thing to go. For a long time to come she will have thoughts about being too fat. She must ignore these.’

‘Are you saying it’s like a voice inside her head?’ Paul asked.

‘That’s exactly what it’s like. The anorexia takes the form of a voice that starts out like a friend. It tells Alison that it wants to help her look better and feel better, but the minute she fights back, the voice turns very nasty and aggressive. At the moment Alison has told me that the voice is shouting at her not to eat. Telling her she’s fat and ugly and repulsive. So far, through sheer force of will, she is managing to fight back.’

‘Do all the girls hear voices? Is this normal or has the starving made her go a bit mad?’ Paul asked, very concerned.

‘The anorexia manifests itself in different ways. But most people hear an inner voice that helps them to control their eating. Alison is perfectly sane and is a very strong girl underneath it all. If you look at it this way, it takes an enormous amount of determination and willpower not to eat, so we know that Alison has incredible strength of mind, which will be the very thing that helps her to get better. But for a long time to come, her first thought every day will be “What will I not eat today?” and her last thought at night will be “What shouldn’t I have eaten today?” Mealtimes will be a battleground for her. They must be made as stress-free as possible. When she does come home, you must listen to her concerns and talk through her feelings about the food in front of her. It’s also best not to praise her too much when she eats. This can lead to panic – “Why am I being praised? I’ve lost complete control of my eating …” The less focus on the actual food and eating, the better. Gentle encouragement is best.’

Paul sighed. ‘You’d need a degree to deal with this. I think I’ll just avoid mentioning food at all.’

‘All parents feel the same way. Just listen to Alison, tread slowly and carefully and you’ll find the right words.’

Mary handed us a sheet of paper.

‘What’s this?’ I asked.

‘It’s a letter Alison wrote to her anorexia. I think it’ll help you understand what’s going on in her head and also show you how determined she is to get better. I don’t want you to go away from this meeting feeling deflated. Alison is doing really well.’

I unfolded the letter. Paul leant in and we read it together in silence.

Dear Anorexia,

You have been my friend for months now. You guide me and help me keep thin. But my life is such a struggle. I’m tired all the time. I’m cold all the time. I’m sad all the time. When I look at my future I feel afraid. Am I ever going to get out of here?

I like having you in my life because you help me organize my days around not eating and exercise. I like routine. It makes me feel safe. But everyone says I’m sick and I have to let you go. They say I’ll never get better if I continue to listen to you. If I don’t start to eat they’ll force-feed me by tube. I couldn’t bear that. The doctors and nurses say that I have to choose between you and life.

I want my life back. I want to be happy again. I’m seventeen. I shouldn’t be locked in a clinic.

Because I listen to you I am stuck here on my bed being watched all the time. I’m getting angry with you now. I need you to go away from me. I need you to get out of my head and leave me alone. I need to find the old Alison. I’m destroying my family, the people I love most in the world.

Because of you I can’t eat what I want. Because of you I can’t walk to the bathroom. Because of you my friend died. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate you.

Leave me alone.

I WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU ANY MORE.

Alison

‘Jesus,’ Paul finally said, filling the silence.

Mary nodded. ‘It’s very powerful.’

‘Poor Ali. Will the voice stop?’ I asked.

‘The more she fights it, the weaker it becomes, and eventually as she gets better and stronger it’ll peter out. But it may well come back from time to time, as I said, when she’s stressed or over-tired or worried.’

‘It does seem positive, though – she does seem to want to get better and to be almost saying goodbye to the voice, doesn’t she?’ I looked at Mary for confirmation.

‘Yes, Ava, it’s a very positive step forward.’

‘Come on, let’s go and see her.’ Paul pulled me up from my chair. We thanked Mary and went to find Ali.

She was sitting at the desk in her room with Donna, studying. I could have kissed Donna: she was such a loyal friend. Ali looked happy for the first time in months. It was wonderful. We chatted for a few minutes and then left the friends to their books.

As we walked towards the car, Paul said, ‘When Ali comes home, I’m going to let you do the talking at mealtimes. I’ll be the strong silent one in the corner.’

‘Thanks a lot!’

‘No, honestly, Ava, I’m worried about saying the wrong thing. I’m no good at this. I don’t understand what’s going on with voices in her head and all the rest of it. You’re better at talking about feelings and emotions, so I’ll leave that side to you. I’ve decided to just nod and smile – it’s safer. I’m afraid I’ll say something that might set her off again.’

‘Paul,’ I said, turning him around to face me, ‘you’re a wonderful dad. Ali adores you. We all have to try to be as normal as possible around her. If you suddenly become mute, she’ll wonder what’s going on. Just be yourself. I have no idea how to handle this either. It’s the steepest learning curve I’ve ever experienced. We’ll just have to work it out as we go – and the most important thing is that she knows we love her and we’re here for her. She wants to get better and that’s all that matters.’

‘What if she comes home and starts hiding her food and all that? I don’t think I can face seeing her in here again.’

‘We just have to hope she won’t. Come on, we should be celebrating – Ali’s getting better.’

‘You’re right, I’m sorry. I just worry.’

‘So do I. It’s our job to worry.’

‘How about I buy you lunch?’

‘Sounds great.’

As we were driving to the restaurant, my phone beeped. I checked my message. ‘Damn,’ I muttered.

‘Sally?’

‘Yes. She said they still can’t sort it out. She met Simon last night and they ended up having the same argument again.’

‘Maybe she should just have a kid with him.’

‘But she doesn’t want children.’

‘Yeah, but loads of guys think like that and when they do have kids they think they’re brilliant.’

‘Women are different. It’s kind of an inbuilt thing. You yearn for children when you want them and if you really don’t have any kind of maternal feelings or yearnings then you probably shouldn’t have them.’

‘But if she doesn’t have a child Simon will leave her, and if she does, she gets to stay with Simon and possibly have a baby she’s mad about.’

‘Or she has a baby she’s not mad about and resents Simon for making her have it, breaks up with him and has a child who feels their mother doesn’t love them.’

‘All women love babies.’

‘No, they don’t. Sally’s never wanted kids, and I’m worried that if she does have one to keep Simon it’ll be a disaster.’

‘Isn’t it better for her to try than end up on her own?’

‘I don’t know … You could be right. Children are very fragile, as we know only too well. They need to feel loved and secure and wanted.’

‘That’s true,’ Paul agreed. ‘It’s a tough decision. But he’s a good bloke.’

‘That’s the bloody problem. He’s perfect for her.’

When we got home, Nadia was in her usual position, lying prostrate on the couch, TV remote control in hand. Sarah was curled up in the armchair beside her. They were watching some documentary on Princess Diana. Paul and I snuck by them and went into the kitchen, but we could hear their running commentary.

‘Oh, that Dodi so good-looking,’ Nadia said.

‘
Puuurlease
, he looks like a greasy chipper. You couldn’t pay me to sleep with him. What was she thinking?’

‘You crazy! Look at boat. He millionaire. You haff good life with this man. He buy you diamonds and beautiful clothes. I sleep with him, no problem.’

‘Hello! You’re not exactly fussy. You’re currently shagging an old-age pensioner.’

Paul and I stifled our laughter.

‘You fery rude girl.’

‘Yeah, well, at least I’m not a gold-digger.’

‘You Bobby haff money.’

‘That’s just a bonus. I was totally into him anyway.’

‘I luff Charlie.’

‘Yeah, right, and Diana loved Dodi.’

‘She look happy.’

‘She just wanted a free holiday surrounded by luxury. I bet she didn’t even have sex with him.’

‘They was lovers for sure. You not say no to man like this. He can haff any womans he wants.’

‘Well, she never would have married him – she was just using him for his cash.’

‘Lot of beautiful womans go with rich mens for money. Not means they bad peoples.’

‘Hello! It’s called prostitution.’ Sarah snorted.

‘If you beautiful young girl from Poland and you in London and haff no money and a rich man wants to be with you and he buying you diamonds and you taking and selling diamonds and sending money back to you mummy and daddy, why this so bad?’