Pet Peeve (8 page)

Goody sent Hannah a Significant Glance, then answered. “Yes, thank you.”

They went on, and came to a little green boy playing with another boy. “Hello, Olive.”

“Hi, fellows.” He continued playing, paying them no more attention.

“Now he makes imaginary boys, not girls,” Hannah murmured.

They came to Hazel, who was now male. “How does it feel to be altered?” Goody asked.

“What?”

“To change from female to male?”

“What are you talking about? I've always been male. Everyone's male, here in No Woman's Land.”

Hannah returned the Significant Glance to Goody. The inhabitants didn't know!

“What a crackbrain!”

“And you boys still have your bleeping bird. I thought you were going to get rid of it.”

“No such luck, yet,” Hannah said.

They went on. “Did you notice how their clothes fit?” Goody asked. “They must have changed with the people. Why didn't ours?”

“Because we're outsiders. That's why we're aware of the change. Probably if we stayed here a while, we'd lose track too.”

“I find that scary.”

“So do I.”

They continued on out the gate, which now said NO WOMAN'S LAND. Even the stone had changed! “I'll wait here,” Goody said. “With the parody.”

“That will help. I'll hurry.” She/he disappeared back through the gate.

Goody settled down for a snooze. This had been quite enough of a day!

Then he thought of something. The parody had never changed. Did that mean it was neuter, or that it was impossible to tell its gender? Well, did it matter? Its nature was obnoxious regardless.

He woke as Hannah returned, female again. “Let's get the bleep away from here,” she said. “This place gives me the creeps.”

“Impossible! You're already a creep.”

“What did you do with the key?”

“I've got it in my pack. Should we leave it here?”

“Let's keep it, just in case we should ever have to return here. We don't want to be subject to another involuntary change.”

“Agreed.”

They walked away from No Man's Land.

Once they got well away from No Man's Land, they relaxed. They found a field of daisies and sat there, resting. “I thought I was afraid of nothing,” Hannah said. “But I'm afraid of turning male. What a horror!”

“You look good as a barbarian lout, damsel.”

She flung a pebble at the bird, which missed. It would have hit, had she wanted it to.

Goody nodded. “Likewise, only vice versa.” He picked a daisy flower and sniffed it. From up close he realized that it was actually in the shape of a letter E. That was curious.

Then Hannah was hustling him out of there. “Those are daze-E's!” she said.

Goody looked around dazedly. “Like what?”

“Sniff them and you're dazed. We can't camp in that field. We'd never get organized.”

He was recovering his equilibrium. “Oh. Yes.”

There was a big sign at the edge of the field. Goody tried to read it, but it didn't seem to have words, just what appeared to be the beaks of assorted birds, some of which were falling off.

“Ho ho ho!” the peeve laughed.

“I must still be too dazed to focus,” Goody said.

“No, you see it clearly enough. It's a billboard.”

Goody groaned. “I just want a safe, peaceful place to stay the night.”

Hannah pulled a bill off the board and unrolled it like paper. “What does this say?” she asked, showing it to him.

“You can't read it yourself?”

“Barbarians are illiterate.”

“They are?”

“It's in the Barbarian Handbook. Not that I've read it, of course.”

Goody was not at all sure of that, but let it go. “Leigh and Anne,” he read. “Room and board for a good tale.”

“That sounds good. Where's their house?”

“Behind the billboard,” he read.

She took the paper, rolled it back into form, and plugged it back onto the board. Then they walked around the billboard. There was a neat cottage they somehow had not seen before.

They went to its door. Goody knocked. It opened to show a girl of about seventeen with a solid nice figure, cream-colored hair that fell short to her ears, and large innocent blue eyes.

“What a dizzy chick! Did her hair get caught in a bucket of sour milk?”

Oops. The parody was at it again. Goody opened his mouth.

“Oh, a goblin, a barbarian wench, and a talking bird!” the girl said. “Wonderful. Do come in. I'm Leigh. I'm sure you have a fascinating tale.”

They didn't argue. They entered. Inside was another girl of similar age, with long auburn hair with copper streaks. Her body was extremely shapely, as were her features, but she seemed to be too shy to speak.

“Curves to die for,” Hannah muttered. “Good thing I'm not envious.”

“This is my younger twin sister Anne,” Leigh said. “She does as she is told.”

“I am Goody Goblin. This is Hannah Barbarian, and the bird is—”

The peeve opened its beak to say something nasty, but Anne smiled at it, lighting the room, and the bird was silent.

“A pet peeve,” Goody continued, amazed. “Looking for a good home.” Could this be it?

“Anne, go set the table for our guests.” The girl obeyed. “We don't want a talking bird. But we'll listen to your fascinating tale tonight.”

Obviously the elder, plainer twin was the boss of this establishment. Goody did not feel it was his place to argue. But had he been human, the younger twin could have made him do anything, just by smiling. She had stifled the obnoxious bird; even the peeve was unable to be peevish in the face of such loveliness.

They had just settled down to eat a delicious meal when there was a tramping sound outside. Goody was ready to jump off the high stool they had set up for him, because there was a familiar thud to it. All goblins knew and feared the sound of ogre tromps. “Anne, see what that is,” Leigh snapped.

Anne, who was on her feet because she was serving, walked to the wall—and through it, disappearing.

“A bleeping ghost!” the bird said.

“No, that's her talent,” Leigh said. “She can diffuse until she is ghostlike. It's handy when we want to check something without making a commotion.”

Anne returned through the wall. “An ogre is coming,” she said. “He says he's Rek King, going to meet his queen at the Rek King Ball.”

“Well, he can't stay here,” Leigh said. “We've already got company.”

Hannah stood. “Ogres don't like to hear the word No,” she said. “I can go out and—”

“I'll handle it,” Leigh said. She walked to the door, and through it, but not in the manner of her sister. She left a person-sized hole in it, with splintered wood at the edges.

“That's her talent,” Anne explained shyly. “To make herself so solid she's like a brick wall.”

“So I see,” Hannah said. It was becoming clear why these sisters were not concerned about abusive visitors. One was too solid to gainsay, the other too ghostlike, when they chose.

There was a crash outside, like that of a mighty acorn tree falling on a boulder, or two dragons smashing in midair. Then Leigh walked back in through the door. “We collided,” she said. “He changed his mind.”

Goody couldn't think of what to say, so he generated a compliment. “There are qualities in the two of you to be admired.”

“Thanks,” Leigh said gruffly, and Anne smiled. Goody felt bathed in sparkling warmth.

After the meal, they settled down to tell their tale. Goody explained about the Finger, and his agreement to find a home for the parody. Then it was Hannah's turn.

“I'm thirty something,” she said, “and life got dull. So I decided to have a really good barbarian adventure, before thinking about settling down. The wildest adventures are by those performing Services for the Good Magician, in exchange for Answers to their Questions. So I made up the stupidest question I could think of and went there.”

“What question was that?” Leigh asked.

“What is the nature of ultimate reality?” she said.

“Why would a barbarian care about something like that?”

“I told you it was stupid.”

“Did he give you an Answer?”

“Humfrey told me that I would know it once I completed the Service, and the Service was guarding Goody Goblin while he shopped the obnoxious bird around. So far it's been pretty good.”

They continued with the story of their adventures so far, including the embarrassing love spring confusion and No Man's Land. Every time the parody got ready to comment, Anne glanced at it with the hint of a smile that stifled it. The twins agreed it was a fine tale, worthy of the night's lodging.

Then it was time to sleep. “You'll use Anne's room,” Leigh said. Then, before Goody could get out a protest, “She'll join me, of course.” Oh.

In the morning the smashed door had been replaced, by what agency they didn't know. They had a pleasant breakfast and resumed their journey.

They spied a small boy doing something odd. His head did not seem to be quite even, but that wasn't it. He was standing by a small pond, gesturing.

“Get a load of the brat.”

“Maybe he's lost,” Goody said.

“I'll ask.” Hannah approached the boy. “Hello. I am Hannah Barbarian. What are you doing?”

He looked up at her. “I'm Colt Human. I'm throwing snow fakes.”

“What a faker!”

“But there's no snow here.”

“Snow fakes,” he said. “They make people act unlike themselves. See the fish.”

Goody and Hannah stared. The fish were leaving the pond and walking upright on its bank.

“How can that be?” Goody asked.

“It's my talent. See.” Colt blew a small white flake toward Hannah.

A peculiar expression crossed her face and departed for parts unknown. “Oh, you dear child!” she exclaimed. She picked Colt up and half smothered him with kisses.

Goody stared. This was totally unlike the barbarian warrior. She was acting like a fond mother.

“Ooo la LA!” the parody exclaimed. “Honey Buns got sweet on the brat.”

“Ugh!” Colt said. “I thought it would make you go away.”

“Not till I run out of kisses.” Fortunately that occurred soon, and she set the boy down.

“That's a nice talent,” Goody said. “Now we must go.” He managed to catch Hannah's hand and urge her away.

“Thanks,” she gasped. “That was awful. Promise never to tell.”

“I promise. As far as I'm concerned, you've always been a heartless warrior.”

“Thank you. Now let go of my hand, or I may lose control and smooch you. The mood hasn't completely passed.”

Goody hastily let go. “I'm just glad he didn't blow that snow fake at me.”

They continued along the path. “Something occurred to me,” Hannah said.

“We're not making much progress on placing the peeve,” he agreed, wanting to stay well clear of kissing.

“That, too. But what I was thinking was that you're supposed to have a magic talent.”

“Magician Murphy said so. But I'm not sure.”

“We have been exposed to just enough danger to make me think that you could use more protection.”

“I do have a bag of old spells the Magician gave me.”

“Oh? What kind?”

“Four spells.”

She nodded. “They're good ones. Not as good as one, two, or three spells, but better than five or six spells. But they can get cranky when old. Best to invoke them only at dire need.”

“That's my impression.”

“So maybe we should have your talent. That should be more reliable. I wish Deirdre were here.”

“Who?”

“A girl I met whose talent was knowing talents. She could touch a person and know. But I haven't seen her in years. So we'll have to find it on our own.”

“But I have no idea what it is, or if it is.”

“So maybe we should discover that, before we get into something really difficult.”

“But it might be a mere spot-on-the-wall talent.”

“Is that what the Magician said?”

“No. He said it was generally protective in nature. Not strong, but protective.”

“That's what we need. How can we find it out?”

“I have no idea.”

“Idiots,” the peeve said.

Hannah glanced at it. “You have a notion, birdbrain?”

“Ask the stupid dragon.”

“We have encountered only one dragon. The—” She paused. “Telepathic tunneler.”

“Telepathic,” Goody repeated. “Vortex can read my mind.”

“And somewhere in your mind must be your talent.”

“I really doubt—”

“Idiot,” the peeve repeated.

Goody surrendered. “We can try it. But how can we locate the dragon? He could be anywhere on or under the ground.”

“Idiot!” the bird said a third time.

“By summoning him,” Hannah said. “That's what he said.”

Goody remained doubtful. “How?” Then, before the bird could call him an idiot a fourth time, he got it. “Mentally.”

He focused. Vortex Dragon! This is Goody Goblin.

Nothing happened.

“Think louder,” Hannah suggested.

He concentrated harder. Then a faint response came. I receive you. It takes a while to reach you.

“He answered!” Goody said. “He's coming here.”

“So the bird was right,” Hannah said thoughtfully.

“You're just now catching on, termagant?”

“Maybe the parody wants to find a good home too,” Goody said. “And knows it won't be easy.”

There was a rumble and shake. Then the blue snout poked out of the ground. And a pink one. This time there were two dragons.

“Double trouble,” the parody said.

The second dragon was similar in size and configuration to the first, but the colors differed: pink head, brown and green body, blue legs.

“This is my dragon lady, Vertex,” Vortex said, making his thoughts sound as speech.

The parody opened its beak. Both dragons glanced at it. The bird changed its mind.

“You know what we want,” Hannah said.

“Of course,” Vortex said. “But this is not easy. We also want something.”

“Bargaining,” Hannah said. “Fair enough. What do you want?”

“This too is not easy.”

“Then it's a fair exchange. What do you want?”

“A construction robot.”

Both Goody and Hannah were taken aback. “That sounds like something in Mundania,” Goody said.

“It is on Robot World, among the Moons of Ida,” Vortex explained. “My beloved wishes to make a safe nest, but this is a new world for us, with unfamiliar dangers, especially for little ones. We lack the resources to forage effectively and simultaneously make the nest. But a robot could make a better nest than we could, faster. When it is done, we can trade the robot to other dragons, and be well off.”

“But isn't a robot a machine?” Hannah asked. “Something mechanical?”

“Exactly. It has no feeling, just a program. It does what it is told, within its specialty.”

“Like Anne,” the parody said.

“Any what?” Hannah asked, then caught herself. “The girl.”

“Not like Anne,” Vortex said, reading Goody's memory. “She is a living, feeling, and beautiful human girl whose smile pacifies peeves and stuns males. A robot is dead matter, without emotions or expressions, and neuter.”

“Not so, dear,” Vertex said. “The robots of Robot World have gender, the males designed for brutework and the females for cutework, and their programs may have programmed feeling. They may have positive can-do and negative can't-do indications on their face-plates. We shall need a female construction robot so she won't mess it up.”

“Just so,” Vortex agreed, disgruntled. “That's what we require.”

This was becoming complicated. “Where can we find these robots?”

“He told you, BB brain! Ida's moons.”

“I don't think I am familiar with those.”

“Magician Grey Murphy's wife's sister Ida has a moon, and the moon has moons,” Vortex explained patiently. “Each one farther into alternate dimensionality than the last, where all creatures who exist or might exist reside. One of these is Dragon World, our origin; another is Robot World.”

“Go to Castle Roogna and ask for Princess Ida,” Vertex said. “She will get you there.”

Goody remained borderline confused, but at least now knew where to go. “I will try,” he said. “And bring back a female construction robot for you, if this is feasible.”

“That seems adequate,” Vortex said. “Now I shall fathom your magic talent. This may require deep reading and invocation of buried memories, which could be uncomfortable.”