OtherSide Of Fear (Outside The Ropes #3) (8 page)

I had entertained the idea of staying with Dexter and not coming home, but I needed answers. I needed to try one last time.

Gage waiting at the luggage return gave me an odd sense of relief, at least he showed up. But he should have never left without me to begin with. The sight of him cracked the dam of my emotions. The pressure of them constricted my heart with an ache that made it hard to breathe.

He took his hat off, rubbing his hand over his hair and then pulled it back on. The small gesture gave me a small comfort; I wasn’t the only one nervous. Good, I had wanted to make him sweat.

Giving me a small smile, he wrapped his arm around me in greeting and kissed the top of my head. A rage simmered inside my veins as we waited in silence for my luggage on the carousel.

He grabbed my suitcase when it appeared and then gestured toward the sliding doors of the airport, out to the parking lot. I followed him to the SUV and he opened the door for me before walking around to his side.

When the car turned on, he turned down the volume, taking quick glances to me as he maneuvered out of the parking space. “I didn’t think you’d actually get on that plane. I thought you would have stayed there.”

“I thought about it.” I looked out the window, away from him. The careless way he said it, made me feel stupid for being here, unwanted.

“I would have deserved it.”

“What do you deserve?” I turned to look at him, emotions boiling to the surface. “What have you done?”

His lips pressed tight, and he watched the traffic as he turned onto the main road. “I don’t deserve you or the patience you’ve shown.” He pulled his glasses off and looked at me. His eyes were bloodshot and tired. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

“Why?” His words tangled around my heart, pulling at it, hurting it. I strained to talk through the tightness in my throat. But as I thought over what he said, my anger flamed higher. “What are you doing, and why shouldn’t I forgive you? Is it never going to change? Are you not willing to try?” I gripped my stomach—it was churning.

He tightened his hold on the wheel, knuckles turning white, and shook his head without speaking.

His non-response only drove home my worst fears. This talk wouldn’t be us making things better. “Then why did even bother picking me up? You might as well let me out now.”

“Don’t be irrational, you have no where to go.”

That was a punch to the gut. He didn’t care that I’d leave, as long as I had somewhere to go. He really would have been happier if I stayed with Dexter. “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can.” He glanced at me with a watery smile. The emotion in it scared me more than anything else. “I wish you didn’t have to.”

I was drowning in my sadness, it bubbled in my chest and choked me. I shook away his words. Whatever was happening didn’t make sense. I needed to stick to my plan and get answers.

“Where have you been?” I questioned.

“The club.” He gave an automatic response. The response he always gave for everything.

“The club, that’s all I ever hear from you. What is going on that takes so much time? That would make you leave your family so suddenly?” Tears burned my eyes and throat.

“It’s complicated.” He pulled his gaze from the road to look at me and shook his head, voice soft. “Just know I’m sorry. I never wanted it to be this way…yet, here we are.” He swallowed, throat moving with the force. “Let’s save this for when we get home. We need to talk.”

All anger drained from me, leaving me empty and cold. It didn’t sound like we’d be having a conversation; it sounded like he’d already made up his mind.

I walked into the condo and silently sat on the couch, waiting for him to begin speaking, heart stuck in my throat.

He sat next to me, leaning forward on his knees as he stared at the ground. “I’m sorry. I’ve made so many mistakes in this. I just wanted to keep you.” He looked up at me, red eyes glossy with tears. “I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted to keep you to myself. You were the one good thing I had still, and I thought I could keep it all separate. But this life won’t let me, and I’ve done too much to deserve anything good.” He grabbed my hand, wrapping it in his clammy grasp. “But God I love you. If you don’t believe anything I say, believe that.”

I held my breath, body shaking as I waited for his next words. Words I knew were coming. Words that would kill the life I thought I had. I wanted to stop them—stop him from speaking them.

“But, it’s not fair to you. None of this is. You’ve got this life you’re making, and it’s a good one. You’ve got school, and friends, and your career. I—”

“No.” I pulled my hand from his, tears slick on my face as I shook my head. “You don’t get to say this. You’re what I want, none of the other stuff. You know this. Just talk to me, tell me what’s going—”

“I can’t. Not after what I’ve done. You need to get away, and I have to let you go.”

THE TREMORS STARTED FROM WITHIN—A SHAKING in my core, an earthquake cracking all my barriers, my foundation. I tried to keep it together, struggling for air at the same time, but even my lungs were trembling beyond my control. I was drowning, held under by him.

Closing my eyes, I couldn’t focus on breathing or calming my muscles. His words slammed through me, adding to the destruction.

“Why?” my voice didn’t sound like my own, it had little air behind it, but the question was shouted in my mind.

“I’ve done too much. You can go back to Dexter’s till something more permanent is arranged. It’ll be better for you this way.” He slid his hand across my shoulders, leaning in close to me.

His touch shattered the thin, already cracked shell holding me together. There was nowhere to step without being cut on the shards; nothing to say that would clean it up. The destruction was already done.

I stood suddenly, breaking free of his embrace, stepping back out of reach.

“Don’t. Touch. Me. You’re a liar.” My hand vibrated in front of me as I pointed at him, so I curled it into a fist to pull it back under my control. Anger burned through me, consuming all other emotions. “This isn’t for me. Admit it. You just want to send me away so you can do whatever it is you’re doing. Whatever is so fucking important that it comes above everything else. That’s why you’re doing this. So don’t you dare put this on me.”

He didn’t break eye contact. Staying seated, he looked up at me with his once bright blue eyes now dull and red rimmed, brimming with tears. But he stayed silent.

“Tell me,” I shouted, wanting to slap him into talking.

He dropped his head. Leaning forward on his forearms, he rubbed his hands over the top of his hair. “You’re right.”

I froze. Ice slid through my veins, putting out the heat of anger.

He rolled his head up to look at me. “I have to do things, and I don’t want you around for it.” He shook his head, lines creasing his face. “But I wasn’t lying. This will be better for you. You’ll have a better life.”

“Go to hell.” I had more to say but felt like I was sucker punched in the gut.

He rubbed his hand over his face, and I barely heard his mumbled response, “I’m already there.”

I charged forward and shoved his shoulders. He sat back on the couch, looking at me with his chin raised like he expected me to hit him. I pulled my arms back and crossed them over my stomach to keep from reacting physically, already regretting what I had done.

“You’re not getting away from me that easily.” I took a step back, out of the circle of heat his body put off. “I deserve to know why. Why you’re ending a marriage.”

Marriage
.

It struck like lightning. Shocking me to forgetting the rest of what I was going to say. We were married. Grief tore through me, taking all strength from my legs, and I sunk to the ground. All control gone.

He was off the couch, next to me, reaching for me. “I’m not—”

I lifted my hand to keep him back. “I meant everything I said, Gage. I wanted forever with you. This past year”— I searched the air for the words, swallowing the sadness thickening my throat—“was everything. Why would you throw that away? Unless, was it not real for you?” There was no anger left in me. I was drained and exposed. So I laid it out, wanting only honesty, wanting to understand. “Or is there someone else who means more?” My heart squeezed painfully with the question.

His eyes dropped over me, deep lines ridging his forehead as he shook his head. “Babe, No. There will never be anyone who means more.” He scooted a little closer to me, tentatively reaching for me. “You are everything to me.”

His warm hand slid to my face, thumb brushing my tears and I couldn’t find the strength to push him away even as he shredded the last bit of my heart with his words. “But I can’t be who you need right now. Maybe not ever.”

“Why?” I took a breath and pressed, “Why are you doing this? What is it that’s so bad? Everything we’ve been through to get here. Why are you pushing me away? Do you not remember what it was like when we were apart? What could be worth that again?” I grabbed his hand from my face, holding it in my own, thumb running over the smooth, warm band around his finger—our promise to each other. I clung to it, to him, fear gripping me with the memory of the past.

“I remember.” He closed his eyes and exhaled.
When they opened, the new resolve shinning in them scared me, anchoring me in place. “And I’d keep you from all that. I don’t want you hurt.”

Yanking my hand away, I pressed it to my chest and sat up straight. “You’re hurting me. You’re throwing me right back into that pain. But it’ll be worse this time because now I know what I’ve lost.” My head was swirling. I could pass out. “We made promises to each other, to be together through everything. That was only months ago. What has changed?”

“I have.” He stood up, and the sudden shift made me fall back to look up at him. His throat moved as he looked around the living room, avoiding me. “It has to be this way. I’ll leave now, give you time to pack.”

And just like that he pulled his emotions back in, sealed them up, and walked away, each step grinding on my heart. He walked to the bedroom, but I was stuck on the floor, too stunned to move. I hadn’t thought it would come to this, us splitting up. Not even when he left Vegas. I hadn’t thought this would be possible.

And I still didn’t know why.

All thought ceased. I rose to my feet and followed him to the bedroom, a woman possessed. My steps were quiet, I was floating. I stood at the doorway and watched him stand over an open case on the bed, fingers moving over the phone in his hand, and I snapped.

He looked up as I yanked the phone from him. He hadn’t expected it and released it easily.

I wanted to read what he was typing, but he was already grabbing my arm to get the phone back, so I threw it. It hit the wall with a thump and then bounced over the floor several times.

“What the fuck?” He released my arm to step past me and retrieve the phone. Lifting it up, he showed me his shattered screen. “Look what you did?”

I was back to trembling, but I didn’t care. I shrugged. “I don’t fucking care about your phone! I care about us. Why are you doing this?” I stepped towards him, and with every step he held himself higher, straighter, harder. “You want me to leave? Well until you tell me the truth, I’m not going anywhere and neither are you.”

He narrowed his eyes, walking past me to his suitcase. “You can’t stop me, Regan.”

Sprinting, I knocked his suitcase off the bed and kicked his clothes around the room. No sane thoughts emerged from the storm within me.

“Stop.” He yanked my arm back, pulling me away from the suitcase just as my foot connected with a pile of clothes.

Rolled up jeans tumbled across the floor. A stack of crisp hundred dollar bills and a brick of coke just as thick as the cash spilled out, tumbling over the floor.

The air was sucked from the room, freezing us in the moment.

Gage released my arm, scooping up his money and drugs in an instant. He lifted his suitcase, righting it on the bed, and began tossing his clothes and things back in it.

“Is that what this is about?” I scoffed, gesturing to his case. It couldn’t be.

He continued packing, not pausing as I spoke.

“Are you really not going to tell me anything? You’re going to leave me now, with no explanation? How can you say I meant anything to you and do this?”

His head bowed over the case as he zipped it up. “I can’t.” Squeezing his eyes shut, he took a few deep breaths, then lifted his case in one hand and turned. “I’ve got to go.”

“Fine.” I stepped in front of the door, blocking his exit, my spinning emotions firmly settled on anger. “Don’t tell me. But I’m not going back to Dexter’s. I’m going to find my own answers.” I stepped closer to him, close enough to feel the pull he had on me, close enough to touch him, but I didn’t. I tried to burn him with my eyes. “And if I find out you’ve got someone else. I will kill you.”

“Jesus, do you hear yourself?” he looked down on me with disbelief.

But I didn’t blink, or flinch. “I do. And I mean every word. You’re just as much mine as I am yours. You said so yourself. We made promises, long before we ever married.” I stepped out of his way, gesturing to the door. “So go now if you must. But know, this isn’t over.”

He hesitated, readjusting the case in his hands but not taking his eyes off me. “You’re serious? What are you going to do?” his voice was low, unsure.

I shrugged, not at all sure what I meant to do, but I would get to the bottom of this.

His phone beeped its ring tone from his pocket, and he finally broke eye contact to retrieve it.

“Fuck,” he mumbled pressing the shattered screen several times, there was no way he could see who was calling.

“You’re going to answer that, right now?” I shook my head in disbelief; it cemented how low I was on his priorities. I was the only one fighting for us, and he just made it feel worthless.

“Hello,” he spoke into the phone, but didn’t move to leave. “Ian, my phone broke so I can’t read my texts. I’ll send my new number tomorrow…Cancel it tonight, something’s come up,” his eyes searched mine as he spoke. “I don’t care. That’s my business…Tell them I’ll arrange something tomorrow.” His head dropped low as he listened, lines deepening on his face. “I don’t give a fuck. She’s your problem, deal with it.” Pulling the phone from his ear, he hit the power button on top, shutting it off.