Let Me Off at the Top!: My Classy Life and Other Musings (13 page)

My great friend who I never shut up about, Lance Bullwright.

Ancient dinosaurs like the Tyrannosaurus rex terrorized the first Mexican peoples.

Having a whale of a time! (I put that in here for laughs because of the word “whale” and there’s a real whale in the picture. I’ve always liked jokes.)

My favorite bird of prey, Lady Samantha Hutchinson.

God’s majesty knows no bounds.

Pointing at something.

Caught in the bubble! I go to jail for an $80 billion real estate mix-up. I’ve done longer stretches for public urination. Only in America!

Baxter refuses to get a job but I still love him.

My wife. My lover and a damn fine woman anchorman.

Prison riots are boisterous affairs. You really want to try to avoid them if you can, but at one time or another you can just bet you’ll be in the middle of one. I’ve been in eight of them. Three in this country and another five in various countries around the world. I’ve even started them! Here are my twelve rules for living through it.

RULE NUMBER 1:
Use it now. If you’re not an idiot, then you’ve spent your time in jail wisely, making weapons. You should have at the very least a zip gun, a carved wooden shiv,
a broken-glass-covered soap ball, a garrote wire and a chair leg with some rusty nails in it. A lot of guys will have more than this but if you have these few simple tools you’ll be okay. The key here is to recognize this is the moment to use these things. It’s a not a collection to take pride in and show the other guys. Prison is not a craft fair. You made these things to hurt other people, so get to it!

RULE NUMBER 2:
Look for weakness. There’s always fear in the air. You might as well accept it and embrace it. Some men can’t handle it. They buckle under the fear. These are the ones you need to attack. Hit them fast and hard and often and if they get back up, then you didn’t do something right. Hitting a weaker man will gain you confidence when you have to go after the really big cats.

RULE NUMBER 3:
Use a verbal assault. Different theories abound here. Do you come across as more fearful without talking? Are a few choice words all you need? The scariest man I ever came across inside or outside of prison was a man who could squish a human head in a fight and all he ever said was, “I’m going bananas!” He didn’t open his mouth for any other reason but to say those words, and if he was saying those words, it was too late, my friend! So sometimes a man of few words can indeed be a terrifying thing. However, I like to yell out a torrent of threats while running right at my victim. You should practice these in your cell at night. Practicing lines with your cell mate is fun and helps pass the time. “Here comes the face eater” is a good one. I’ve also said this:
“I will rip your balls off and sauté them in garlic butter with basil and ground pepper. I will then add a garnish of shaved orange peels and a side of fresh-cut sliced beets misted with lemon juice. I will beautifully plate it and enjoy a glass of white wine with it while dressed in a tuxedo. It will be a Michelin three-star meal and you will not be invited to join me! Do you understand?”

RULE NUMBER 4:
Go naked. Take your clothes off as soon as possible. It adds to the insanity of the whole scene. When watching scratchy security tapes of the riot later it’s always a moment of pride and levity when someone yells out, “Who’s that crazy naked mofo?”

RULE NUMBER 5:
Paint your face. This is a must-do. When you walk out into the yard with a painted face you already have an edge. I like a simple “one side black, the other side white” look, but have fun! I’ve seen skulls, clowns, Jackson Pollock paintings, Egyptian symbols, brown paint that may or may not have been feces (see rule 8) and many more. If you can’t do it yourself most prisons have a face-painting station for a cigarette or two.

RULE NUMBER 6:
Play dead. It’s not the strategy to use right out of the gate, mind you, but about midway through the riot there’s no shame in curling up on the ground like you’re dead. You might need to stab yourself to make it convincing but it’s worth it. You get to watch all the pounding and kicking and sticking with sharp objects from a nice safe place. Again,
afterward there’s nothing funnier than one of the guys in the infirmary saying, “Ah shit, Burgundy, you wasn’t dead!” and then having a good hearty laugh over it.

RULE NUMBER 7:
Stay with your group! A prison is a population of men organized around different social groups. There are men who are uncomfortable around black people and other races. There are men who belong to various urban societies and motorbiking clubs. Each one of these groups can be very protective, so join! Be a joiner! I’m a loner, which is not the way to go in a riot, so I try to side with the homosexuals. These crafty she-hes know how to survive and thrive in a bloody riot. They are some devious tricky bastards and if you turn on them, out come the claws and the metal shivs and other stuff they hide up their butts.

RULE NUMBER 8:
Have poop ready. Save up bags of your own poop and be prepared to throw it everywhere. No one likes to be hit with poop. Make sure you have lots of it too. The closer it can be to diarrhea but still be held in your hands, the better off you are. It’s just basic human nature, going back to when we were monkeys. All animals, except dogs, try to avoid getting hit by poop. Aim for the face. It’s magical stuff in a riot.

RULE NUMBER 9:
Try reasoning. If you’re cornered by a few thugs who want to stomp you to death, now’s the time to try to reason with them. Every man carries within him a sense of
fair play. We all have it, be it from our fathers, our ball-playing days or just spending time out in the world with other men in daily combat. You can count on this one basic truth. All men will see the logic in your argument and give way to a more peaceful, alternative solution. I am clearly messing with your head. (Something you learn to do in prison.) Prison riots are the very definition of unreasoned mayhem. You need to be on your toes at all times and trust no one.

RULE NUMBER 10:
Be prepared for a life sentence. It doesn’t matter if you’ve killed a man or if you’re only doing a ninety-day stretch for forgery; you have to go into the riot believing you will never leave jail and like it. If you’re dreaming of the day you leave, your opponent might smell hope on you.
Hope
is just another word for fear. Destroy all hope and turn yourself into a killing machine.