Indwell (Chasing Natalie's Ghosts) (4 page)

“That’s okay. I was pretty sleepy there anyway. I think I’m starting to feel more alert now,” I told him. I pulled myself up so I could look at him.

“Please don’t leave me again, like you did before I was sick,” I begged.

“I’m sorry about that. I thought maybe I was breaking some unspoken rules and would be condemned for getting too close to you. I didn’t want you to be involved in any trouble that may have arisen. I had to get back to you Natalie.”

“I’m so happy your back, even though I’m not following the condemned bit. Is that because you felt bad for kissing me?” I asked him, hoping it wasn’t.

“I didn’t feel bad, as long as you’re not upset?” he asked me cautiously.

“Of course not, do you want to try again? I’ll protect you from condemnation, I promise,” I said, winking at him.

“You really shouldn’t make light about such matters and you definitely shouldn’t be so tempting to me,” he grinned. I carefully reached over to him and held his face in my hands. He leaned closer and very gently put his lips over mine. He felt like home to me. I never wanted him to leave me again. I was feeling dizzy as he laid me back down on the pillow. He pulled my blankets up to my chin and carefully held me in his arms. I was pleasantly surprised when he quietly began humming, it was like a lullaby. I’m sure it must have been one of his mother or fathers favorites. I couldn’t help but fall asleep, no matter how hard I tried to fight it.

In the morning, I awoke and reached for him. Thankfully he was still there.

“Good morning, my little angel,” he said, brushing my hair off my face.

“How do you feel this morning?” I sat up a little, leaning on my pillows. My face gave me away, when I squinted at the jolt of pain from my side.

“Your mother will be up soon to check on you. I better make like a ghost and vanish,” he joked. I squeezed his hand as he stood. He walked out the door, looking back at me he whispered, “I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

He was there, day and night as I began to heal. He reluctantly gave me some room when I had to go back to school and visit with my friends. He was never far from my thoughts though and he always came to my room to kiss me goodnight. I never really thought about how he never saw my parents or my brothers on his way in or out. It was like he was invisible to them. When I look back on it now, I realize I was just in denial, wanting to believe that I could have a real, normal relationship.

“I will meet them someday Natalie. Some sooner than others, but they’re not ready yet. Besides, they’ll probably just say I’m too old for you. You don’t want that do you?” he had explained once.

“No, I don’t want that. I like having you all to myself, for now anyway. If anything, they would say you’re too beautiful for me,” I said staring into his eyes again.

“Natalie, you don’t have any idea how beautiful you are, do you? You’re like sunshine when you’ve been in the mist for days. You’re like a fuzzy little kitten, all curled up sleeping in my lap. You make me feel more alive than I’ve felt in a very long time. You’re my best friend. I told you, you belong to me now. You’re perfectly lovely to me,” he soothed my thoughts, his voice so soft and smooth. His words were so sweet.

4. REVEAL

In the spring we began to head further away from the house every chance we could get. He loved to take me out onto the trails. He didn’t like being on the street with me, even though there was barely anyone in this town. He would hold my hand and pull me close to him, almost like he was trying to hide the fact that my hand was wrapped in his. He never wanted to talk either, until we reached the seclusion of the trees. As soon as we reached the shelter of the woods he would always swing me around, kiss me and carry on, leading me deeper into the wilderness.

We would walk for hours, usually leaving any man made trails far behind. His steps seemed so light on the paths we wandered. Sometimes he would carry me over the rough patches, so I wouldn’t fall. On a very warm spring day he told me to wear my swim suit and to meet him by the river. He was standing beside a canoe at the shore waiting for me.

“Where did you get that?” I was shocked.

“I borrowed it from a friend. He’s away for a while so it’ll be alright.”

“Do you even know how to paddle?” I asked, feeling a little leery about it. I knew they tipped easy. It was May and the water would still be very cold if we fell in.

“Of course I know how to paddle. How can you live on a river and not know how to paddle a canoe,” he asked, feeling pretty confident. He held it steady as I climbed in. He pushed it into the river and swiftly jumped in, not even rocking the canoe. He was so graceful with every move he made. I felt like such a klutz with him sometimes. He told me to just relax he would do all the work.

“You’re such a man,” I said, joking. He smiled and started paddling faster, like he was being chased.

“Is everything okay Adam?” I was feeling a little nervous about his extreme paddling.

“Everything is fine. I just want to get to a secluded part of the river that doesn’t have any backyards looking out onto the water,” he explained. I knew he just didn’t want anyone to see us again. That’s when I grabbed the other paddle and started to help him. He smiled at the fact that I thought I could really help him paddle faster.

His muscles were starting to flex beneath his white tee shirt. His arms were strong. I wondered what he did during the day when I was at school. I didn’t like to think of him going away to college soon, as he once mentioned. He had said that he had been planning on leaving this town before his parents died. I couldn’t help but wonder if he thought of leaving again soon. I wouldn’t blame him for wanting to go. I knew he liked being in the country, but there were some amazing places that I could see him liking a lot more. I thought back to the mountains that used to be in our back yard when I was young. The two little kids that went missing there flashed before my eyes.

It’s strange how the memory of that day came flooding back. I could actually feel the hot sun that day, blurring the lines between the earth and the sky as I had walked out of the house. The grass was prickly beneath my bare skin as I took unsteady steps out into the backyard. I had taken a few steps more when strangely I knew what was coming for me. By instinct, I tilted my head up toward the mountain ready to greet them. The warm breeze was intense as it blew through my hair. I smiled and breathed it in as it washed over me. My toes even tingled as the breeze began to subside. I smiled and whispered, `Good Bye’. I was in another world, mesmerized, as the two little faces disappeared in front of me. 

I can remember afterwards, hearing my mother shout, “They’ve gone missing!”  She had run into the house, throwing her laundry basket to the floor. She was shaking as she told John to take care of me for a little while.

“Mary needs me and I have to help her,” she had explained as she walked out the door, locking it behind her. I was scared but this wasn’t the first time she had left us alone. My mother was usually alone for weeks at a time until our father would show up with food and good cheer but needless to say, sometimes we ran out of food before he returned. She used to hitch a ride into the small town of Golden Bridge to try and beg for food from friends or the church for us. 

When my mother had returned that afternoon, she was dirty, wet and crying. She gave us each a hug, silently, without saying a word. She went into her room to change. When she came back out I noticed the dirt was still smudged on her face. She had streaks on her cheeks now, revealing where the tears had fallen.

“Mary’s babies have gone missing,” she stammered. Her words were catching in her throat as the tears began to roll down her cheeks again. As she sat there shaking, her shoulder bones jutting out, she reached for me on the couch.

“Don’t cry. Jessie and Billy are happy now.” I tried to calm her. She smiled at me, not wanting to upset my optimism. Jessie and Billy were the closest neighbors we had on that dusty, long road. We had only been there a few months, but my mother and Mary became very close friends. They would help each other if there were any problems or if they were just lonely.

Jessie was five years old and Billy was seven that summer they disappeared. They were known to run off. My mother had been out many times with Mary hunting them down. Sometimes they would come over to our yard to play or sometimes they would head into the woods across the dirt road, but they always found their way back home. This time it was different. They had been gone since dawn and the sun was now beginning to set. The search party had been set up that afternoon. A lot of people from the town had driven out to help with the search.  My mother was home to check on us and she planned to go back out. As she was about to leave again I ran over to her. I had to tell her what I knew, what I saw, what I felt. I had to somehow make her understand. As a young child I didn’t really comprehend all of it. At that time it had seemed so simple.

“They are okay mommy. You don’t have to keep searching anymore. You can stay home,” I tried to convince her.

“I want to stay honey but Mary needs me to help her. She has to bring them home. It’s getting late, I won’t be long,” she tried to explain, again without scaring me. I could tell by the way she was choosing her words. I smiled as I looked up at her.

“Mommy,”

“Yes Natalie, what is it?” she sighed.

“If Mary really wants to bring them home then she should go to that high ridge trail. She should look down once she gets to the top. She’ll probably be able to see them from there,” I paused, wanting to make her understand there was nothing she could do. I looked back up at her. She was silent, unmoving as she stared at me.

“They are happy now, they really are, they told me so,” I said as I turned towards the sofa. I knew she had to go see for herself.  She would know which trail I was talking about. When we first moved here she took us out for a walk up this trail. As soon as it started to become too narrow to walk side by side she grabbed our hands and turned us around. “Don’t ever come up here!” she warned us, as we quickly returned back to flatter land. My mother has always had a fear of heights and she never liked the mountains.

I was expecting her to leave now, but she just stood there with her mouth open. She had fear in her eyes and I knew, even then, it wasn’t just for the missing children, it was for me. She fumbled for the door behind her as she continued to stare at me. Once it was open a single tear swelled and poured from her eye, she turned quickly and left.

When she returned home that night, I had asked her if she found them. “Yes, darling, their mommy is saying goodnight,” she said as silent tears rolled down her cheeks again. I wished she would stop crying. They had found their bodies, but it didn’t scare me. Even then, at that young age, I realized that their spirits, their lights were already gone, blown away in the warm breeze.

I looked up at Adam as the memory faded. In that moment I acknowledged what I had known all along. We had been travelling so quickly I hadn’t noticed we had made it so far into the dense woods.

“I have to talk to you,” I said trying to hold back my panic.

“Sure, we have all day. What’s on your mind?” He pulled the paddle into the canoe.

“I think we should get out now.” I was starting to tremble. He swiftly pulled the canoe to shore, dragging it up onto the grass.

“Come here,” he said, grabbing my hand and leading me to a sunny spot.

“I don’t know if I can sit,” I said, still shaking.

“What is it?” he asked as he gently pulled me down beside him. I kneeled in front of him, staring into his beautiful eyes again, the way I always did.

“You’re not real!” I was trembling again. I was coming to the realization that I was probably completely insane and would be put in an institution sometime soon. He started to laugh.

“Of course I’m real. Come closer and I’ll prove it,” he said grinning.

“I’m serious, your real to me but not to anyone else.” Tears were threatening to burst from my eyes. He looked down sadly.

“All I want is to be real to you. I need you. Please don’t be scared,” he said as he touched my cheek. He held my hand, squeezing it then he let me go. I felt cold suddenly. This is not what I wanted. I didn’t want him to let me go.

“If you want me to go I will. I can just imagine how hard this is for you to understand.” He looked down again.

“No! No, I don’t want you to go. All I need is for you to stay with me. This is not new to me Adam. I just really hoped that you would be different from the others. Everyone I have ever loved has never been real and I have lost them all.” As I said this, tears rolled down my cheeks. I was afraid Adam was going to leave me soon too. I had to regain my composure. I reminded myself that he was more alone than I was. I am the only one that can see him, touch him and hear him. I did belong to him. He was my immortal, for as long or as short a time we were to be given.

He sat in front of me cautiously, expecting the worst I feared. I reached my hands to touch his face. I wanted him to know just how much he meant to me, living or not, I loved him. He smiled as he leaned closer to me, his lips again just lightly brushing mine. I moved closer to him. I had to feel him, to know that he wasn’t just my imagination. He made me feel so warm still and his touch made my skin tingle. I bit gently down onto his lip and I could feel his skin beneath my teeth. He didn’t flinch or back away. He was mine. I pulled away, smiling at him, the tears drying in my eyes. He started to laugh nervously.

“Wow, I’m glad that’s over. You have no idea how nervous I’ve been, anticipating the moment you recognized what you already knew from the first time you saw me. I honestly didn’t want you to but I knew it was just a matter of time. I was scared you would ask me to leave and I didn’t think I would be able to,” he said, relief just pouring out of him. I grabbed hold of both of his hands, looking up at him, to meet his eyes.

“I need to ask you some questions, I think.” He jumped up.

“Not now. I’ll tell you everything later, but today I just want to enjoy this time with you.” I just nodded. Not really sure if I was ready to hear all he had to tell me. I wasn’t the same little girl anymore that just accepted these uninvited visitors. I needed more than just their company. I wanted more. I needed to know why they found me. I wanted to know why they always left me.