How to Travel With a Salmon and Other Essays (8 page)

(SIGNED) GENERAL PERCUOCO

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ASTROGRAM
FROM: HIGH COMMAND, CASINO
TO: GENERAL PERCUOCO
QUARTERMASTER HQ
BETELGEUSE

QUIT BELLYACHING STOP

(SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO

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Confidential Report
To: Army Command, Vallodolid, Europe
cc.: Galactic Corps Command, Sol III

This Intergalactic Accounting Office has learned that Vallodolid Drivers have been counterfeiting gasoline coupons and then selling stolen Army fuel on the intergalactic black market. The disciplinary committee immediately created by this office, after eight years' work checking all relevant files and the invoices and receipts of the Valladolid Accounting Office, has ascertained that, as of today, nine repeat nine drums of gasoline have disappeared. The inquiry has been temporarily suspended because, since it is conducted by the scrupulous computerists of Bootes, who on Earth must be kept constantly in decompression chambers operated on strontium 90, the investigation has to date cost eighty thousand intergalactic credits, the equivalent of three million old Canadian dollars. We request the above Headquarters to authorize continuation of the inquiry until those responsible are identified.

Intergalactic Finance Command
Arcturus (Boötes)

Confidential Report
To: Intergalactic Finance Command
Arcturus (Bootes)

At the request of the local Finance Command I have carried out a rigorous inquiry into the disappearance of the nine drums of gasoline and have reached the following conclusions: the fuel was shipped from Bilbao on contraband aerorockets from Saturn and then transferred to Algol (Perseus) where said liquid (high-octane) is considered alcoholic beverage. It has not been possible to identify the whole chain of responsibility because of a conflict of jurisdiction connected with the transfer from Earth to Perseus. On Sol III, in fact, the problem would be handled by the Motor Vehicles Department, whereas on Perseus it is dealt with by Quartermaster. Suggest therefore referring the whole case to the High Command Military Spacetransport Headquarters, Procyon, as per memo No. 367/00/C112, headed "internal contraband."

HQ
Guardia Civil
Valladolid

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ASTROGRAM
FROM: HEADQUARTERS
MILITARY SPACETRANSPORT
TO: HQ INTERGALACTIC FINANCE
ARCTURUS (BOOTES)

GASOLINE DRUMS CASE REPORTED ON FORM 367/00/C112 NOT PERTINENT RESPONSIBILITIES THIS HQ AS AEROROCKETS LEAVING BILBAO FOR PROCYON MUST CARRY OUT RELATIVIZA-TION IN HYPERSPACE THUS ARRIVING DESTINATION THREE HUNDRED YEARS PRIOR TO DEPARTURE STOP PROBLEM THEREFORE RE-FERRABLE TO MILITARY HISTORICAL ARCHIVE VELLETRI AS PER FORM 450/00/SS/99/P STOP

(SIGNED) HQ MILITARY SPACETRANSPORT

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ASTROGRAM

FROM: MILITARY HISTORICAL ARCHIVE
VELLETRI
TO: HQ INTERGALACTIC FINANCE
ARCTURUS (BOÖTES)

REGRET UNABLE PROCESS YOUR REPORT AS PER FORM 450/00/SS/99/P HISTORICAL ARCHIVE BECAUSE OF INSUFFICIENT STAFF STILL OCCUPIED CATALOGUING MATERIAL FOR PERIOD BETWEEN BATTLE LEPANTO AND BOER WAR STOP

(SIGNED) MILITARY HISTORICAL ARCHIVE

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Memo from General Rebaudengo
To: Intergalactic Finance Command
Arcturus (Boötes)

What's all this about some gasoline drums? Gasoline has not been used as fuel by the army since 1999 of the so-called Vulgar Era. And what is a Motor Vehicles Department doing in Valladolid?

Rebaudengo

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Intergalactic Finance HQ
Arcturus (Boötes)

General, we quite understand your amazement, but this Command, faithful to the motto of the Intergalactic Finance Corps ("hang on"), still has to process dossiers inherited from former Military Administrations, all passed on to our Bootes archive. Actually, the file in question refers to events of several hundred years ago, but we are nevertheless able to confirm that in Valladolid a Motor Vehicles HQ does exist. The fact that this HQ no longer controls motor vehicles lies outside our area of responsibility, but we are aware that the National Petroleum Board still extant in Vinotria produces gasoline specifically for that HQ, perhaps in compliance with ancient orders not yet countermanded. Indeed, we cannot help wondering why a National Petroleum Board still exists, but exist it does, with its main office in Rome, in the same building that houses the Pension Office for Refugees from the African Colonies and the Honors Commission for awards to victims of the Napoleonic invasion.

Commanding General
Arthur Arcturus, Arcturus (Boötes)

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Confidential Memorandum
From: GHQ, Casino
To: Intergalactic Finance Command
Guardia Civil, Valladolid
Military Historical Archive, Velletri
Headquarters, Military Spacetransport
CO, Galactic Corps, Sol III

Mindful of the motto of my old regiment ("Quieta non movere, mota quietare"), I recommend shelving the entire question discussed in previous correspondence. Respect for tradition is the sustaining strength of our Glorious Army; I would therefore consider it ill-advised and impertinent to question the historic function and the fealty to the Constitution of the glorious Motor Vehicles Bureau of Valladolid, undoubtedly covered with glory in some engagement somewhere in the distant past. If, by venturing to cast doubt on the operation of some heroic unit, I caused the army to sense a lack of trust in its superior officers and in public opinion, the resultant psychological trauma would sap the devotion to duty, the spirit of self-sacrifice, the promptitude, and the morale of both the soldiers and their officers, at every level.

Inquiry shelved.

General Giansaverio Rebaudengo

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Ethnic Relativity Studies Center
Alpha Centauri
To: General Rebaudengo

As the matter of the "Valladolid gasoline" consumed on Algol as a beverage has been brought by chance to Your Excellency's attention, we would point out that this case is not unique. The army must bear in mind the awkward situations deriving from the divergences in prevalent customs and practices among components of the Intergalactic Army. For example, on receiving word of an ophthalmic epidemic among the Briareians of Regulus, the Betelgeuse Quartermaster Corps shipped to that base one hundred thousand hectoliters of boric acid solution for therapeutic purposes, unaware that on that planet boric acid is (illicitly) used as a drug. It would therefore be necessary that the various substances handled by the army be catalogued according to all their possible uses. We suggest use of the Koenig-Stumpf matrix forms, which allow (83,000)
²
different combinations.

Dr. Malinowski
Director, Studies Center

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Ethnic Relativity Studies Center
Alpha Centauri
To: General Rebaudengo

Your Excellency, we would like to express our thanks to you for having accepted our recommendations, but we venture to suggest that you may have been over-hasty in entrusting the compilation of the Koenig-Stumpf matrix forms to the Altair mechanographic center. These forms, in fact, posit a non-Euclidean geometry of Riemannian origin and require a modal logic. The natives of Altair, in contrast, think in monovalent terms (for them either a thing is or it is) and measure space according to a geometry known as hypoeuclidean or Abbott's geometry, which posits a single dimension. We would further remind you of the unfortunate incident on Altair after the attempt—despite the Altairians' ability to recognize only one color—to introduce varicolored shoulder patches to distinguish the various units. To be frank, we wonder how a mechanographic center can even exist on Altair, since the natives are unable to perceive three-dimensional objects. In moments of discouragement we also wonder why anything exists on Altair, if it does exist. The only documentation to date of the existence of any form of life on that star comes from the ESP center on Mount Wilson, reportedly in telepathic contact with the inhabitants.

Respectfully yours,
Dr. Malinowski
Director, Studies Center

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ASTROGRAM
FROM: GHQ
TO: POLICE COMMAND, CENTAUR CONSTELLATION
AND TO: PLANETARY POLICE HQ, SOL III

ORDER IMMEDIATE ARREST DOCTOR MALINOWSKI FOR SLANDERING GLORIOUS MILITARY FORCES ALTAIR STOP ALSO ORDER CLOSURE MOUNT WILSON ESP CENTER STOP INCONCEIVABLE THAT MILITARY CENTER STAFF SPEND ALL DAY THINKING STOP NO LOAFERS GOLDBRICKERS TOLERATED STOP CENTER WILL REOPEN ONLY WHEN ALL TELEPATHIC COMMUNICATION CAN BE RECORDED STOP IN TRIPLICATE STOP

(SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO

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ASTROGRAM
FROM: ADVANCE POST
SMALL MAGELLANIC CLOUD
TO: INTERGALACTIC GHQ
CASINO, MONACO
AND TO: OFFICE, FEDERATION PRESIDENT
LA TURBIE

REPORTS FROM FARTHEST CONFINE KNOWN UNIVERSE WARN OF ADVANCE UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS STOP FLYING SAPPER PATROL FROM CANOPUS DESTROYED BY INVADER UNITS STOP INVADERS PRESUMED ARRIVING FROM HYPERZONE UNIVERSE STOP THEIR DESTRUCTIVE POWER DERIVED FROM UNKNOWN ENERGY SOURCE THREATENS SURVIVAL INTERGALACTIC FEDERATION STOP INSTRUCTIONS URGENT AS POSSIBLE THE

(MESSAGE INCOMPLETE)

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ASTROGRAM
FROM: OFFICE, FEDERATION PRESIDENT
TO: INTERGALACTIC GHQ

FOR FIRST TIME IN ITS HISTORY FEDERATION MUST CONFRONT EXTERNAL ENEMY STOP PREPARE IMMEDIATE DEFENSE STOP REASSURED BY NOBLE MILITARY TRADITION OUR ARMY AND INVALUABLE EXPERIENCE OUR SUPERIOR OFFICERS IN THIS TRAGIC AND HISTORIC EVENT STOP GENERAL REBAUDENGO ASSUMING TOTAL COMMAND OPERATIONS STOP

(SIGNED) PRESIDENT LA BARBERA

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ASTROGRAM
FROM: INTERGALACTIC GHQ
CASINO
TO ALL OPERATIVE UNITS
UNIVERSE

OFFICERS NONCOMMISSIONED OFFICERS SOLDIERS STOP HOUR OF DESTINY IS KNOCKING AT GATES OF FEDERATED GALAXIES STOP OUR PROMPT RESPONSE OUR SELF-SACRIFICE OUR EFFICIENCY IN TACTICS AND STRATEGY WILL DECIDE FATE OF OUR HOMELAND STOP EACH OF US MUST TAKE UP HIS POST AND THERE MUST BE A POST FOR EACH STOP ASSUMING DIRECT COMMAND OF OPERATIONS I ORDER ALL MOBILE UNITS OF SOLAR SYSTEM TO ENTRENCH ALONG MARNE STOP IV CORPS ARMY BASED ON BOOTES WILL OCCUPY STATIONS OF MAGINOT LINE DUNKIRK BASTOGNE STOP ARMY CORPS STATIONED ON PLEIADES AND SPECIAL UNITS OF OCTOPODS OF SERPENTARIUS ENCAMP IN ARDENNES STOP ARMORED UNITS OF LIQUID SHARPSHOOTERS OF AURIGA HOLD MONTE GRAPPA STOP ESSENTIAL PROVIDE DECOMPRESSION CHAMBERS AND SOLIDIFICATION SPACES ABOVE 118 METERS STOP DEATH PERSEIDS OF ALGOL WILL HOLD LEFT BANK OF RHINE WITH BOAT BRIDGES READY STOP DRILLERS OF PLUTO PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO PEARL HARBOR AND DIG IN STOP ALL OTHER UNITS AWAIT FURTHER ORDERS IN WATERLOO PLAIN STOP WE SHALL DEFEND OUR GALAXY AT WHATEVER COST STOP WE SHALL FIGHT ON NEBULAS STOP WE SHALL FIGHT ON ASTEROIDS STOP WE SHALL FIGHT ON EVERY MOON AND EVERY CONSTELLATION STOP FOR GOD GALAXY AND SAINT GEORGE STOP

1976

(Between the Tigris and the Euphrates, in the shade of the Hanging Gardens, not many thousands of years ago)

URUK: How do you like these cuneiform characters? My new serf-writer composed the whole beginning of the Hammurabi code in about ten hours.

NIMROD: What did you use? An Apple Nominator from Eden Valley?

URUK: Are you nuts? You can't trade in one of those things even at the Tyre slave market. No, this is an Egyptian serf-writer, a Thoth 3 Megis-DOS. Very low consumption. One bowl of rice a day, and it has a hieroglyphics program, too.

NIMROD: You're just cluttering up its memory.

URUK: But it formats while it's copying. You don't need a separate serf-formatter anymore to collect the clay, mold the tablet, and dry it in the sun, while the serf-writer does the rest. Mine molds, dries at the fire, and writes directly.

NIMROD: But this one takes Egyptian 5.25 cubit tablets and must weigh a good sixty kilos. Why don't you use a portable?

URUK: What? One of those liquid-crystal Chaldean screens? That's Magi stuff.

NIMROD: No. I mean a dwarf-writer, an African Pygmy as modified in Sidon. You know what those Phoenicians are like, they copy everything from the Egyptians, and then they miniaturize. Look: a laptop. It writes while seated on your knees.

URUK: Disgusting. And hunchbacked as well.

NIMROD: Of course. They inserted a plate under its shoulders for quick back-up. One lash of the whip and he writes directly in Alpha-Beta, you see? Instead of the graphic mode, he uses a text mode. That means you can do everything with twenty-one characters. You can write the whole text of Hammurabi on a few 3.5 tablets.

URUK: But then you have to buy a serf-translator.

NIMROD: Absolutely not. The dwarf has the translator built in. Another lash and he transcribes in cuneiform.

URUK: Can he handle graphics?

NIMROD: Naturally. Who do you think did all the plans for the Tower?

URUK: Can you trust him, though? Maybe the whole thing will fall down later.

NIMROD: What an idea! He's installed Pythagoras in his memory, and Memphis Lotus, too. You give him the surface measurements and crack the whip, and he gives you a ziggurat in three dimensions. When they built the pyramids the Egyptians were still using the Moses ten-commandment system, which required a back-up of ten thousand serf-builders. And they weren't the least bit user-friendly. All that hardware's obsolete, and they had to throw it into the Red Sea. I believe the waters rose up.

URUK: What about calculation?

NIMROD: Oh, it speaks Zodiac. It will produce your horoscope in a matter of seconds. What you see is what you get.

URUK: Does it cost much?

NIMROD: Look, if you buy it here, the harvest of a whole season wouldn't be enough. But if you can get someone to buy you one at the Byblos street fair, it's yours for a sack of seeds. It demands a lot of input, to be sure, but you know the rule: garbage in, garbage out.

URUK: Hm. I'm still pretty happy with my Egyptian. If your dwarf is compatible with my 3 Megis-DOS, couldn't you program him for Zodiac, at least?

NIMROD: In theory that's illegal, because when you buy one, you have to swear it's for your own personal use.... But everybody does it. Sure, I'll put them in contact. I just hope yours doesn't have the virus.

URUK: Bursting with health. What scares me, though, is the way they come out with some new language every day. In the end the programs will all get confused.