Get Smart 6 - And Loving It! (12 page)

A hole appeared in the peanut brittle. Then they saw Lucky Bucky Buckley peering in at them.

“Talk about your life-like hallucinations,” Max said. “I would swear that if I reached out and tweaked its nose it would cry ouch.” He smiled slyly. “In fact, I’ll prove it.”

Max tweaked Lucky Bucky’s nose.

“Oooooooo!”

“I was wrong,” Max shrugged. “But it certainly looked life-like.”

“Max, it is!”

“Ooooooo is not ouch, 99.”

“You promised me my electricity back!” Lucky Bucky said.

Max squinted at him. “Are you really for real?”

“Tweak me again.”

Max tweaked.

“Ouch!”

“99! It’s him!”

“Now, how about my electricity?” Lucky Bucky said wearily.

“Back up and let us out of here and electricity you shall have,” Max replied. “In fact, if I had my way, you’d get a whole chair full of it.”

Lucky Bucky backed out, and Max and 99 followed him through the hole he had chopped in the peanut brittle. When they got out, Max took off his shoe.

“You can’t get ready for bed until you get me my electricity!” Lucky Bucky shouted angrily. “What are you, one of those guys that promises a fellow anything, then doesn’t give him his electricity?”

“Easy,” Max said. “This is my telephone. This is what I used to shut off your electricity.”

Lucky Bucky was impressed. “Pretty good,” he said. “I never heard of that before. I heard of using a phone to kill snakes with, but never to turn off the electricity with.”

“Observe,” Max said, “and you’ll see how it works.”

He dialed.

Operator:
Is that you, flat Max?

Max:
I escaped from the Squash Room, Operator. Connect me with the Chief, please.

Operator:
What’s that yummy odor I smell?

Max:
Peanut brittle. Now, will you connect me with the Chief?

Operator:
Is that anything like
arachis hypogaea
brittle?

Max:
Please, just get me the Chief.

(click)

Chief:
Control . . . Chief here . . .

Max:
It’s me, Chief. Will you call the Electric Company again, please, and have them restore the power to the island?

(Silence)

Max:
Chief, I’m sure they’ve forgotten about those other calls by now.

(Silence)

Max:
Couldn’t you disguise your voice, Chief?

Chief:
Max, I won’t even discuss the subject.

Max:
It’s a matter of life and death again. If I don’t get him his electricity back, Lucky Bucky, who is standing right here beside me, is going to do something very drastic. He hasn’t had his morning coffee yet.

Chief:
Why didn’t you say so, Max! I’ll make the call right away.

Max (to 99 and Lucky Bucky): The life or death bit sold him.

Chief:
It wasn’t that. I know how tough it is to go without that morning cup of coffee.

(Sound of dialing, then muffled conversation)

Chief:
The electricity will be on in a second, Max.

(From the Squash Room, a grinding sound as the ceiling and floor meet)

Max:
The power is on, Chief. Thank you. Incidentally, how are you fixed for peanut brittle crunch? I have a seven-year supply that I’d be glad to share with you.

Chief:
That’s very—

Lucky Bucky had snatched the shoe from Max’s hand.

“That doesn’t happen to be a party line,” Max snapped at him. “Get your own phone!”

Lucky Bucky pulled a gun and pointed it at Max and 99. “The game is over, Maxie Baby,” he snarled. “I don’t need you any more.”

Max raised his foot. “Will you at least hang up my phone?” he said.

Lucky Bucky tossed the shoe out the window. “Now, try to contact your Chief!”

Max started toward the window and fell flat on his face.

“You forgot to lower your foot, Max,” 99 said.

“Usually, the shoe holds it down,” Max explained, rising. He continued to the window and looked out and down. “It looks like this is your lucky day, Lucky Bucky,” he reported. “You got two agents with one shoe. It hit Brattleboro.”

“What was he doing down there, I wonder,” 99 said.

“Out of gas, I think.”

“Oh, yes, I forgot—he’s a motorcycle cop.”

“To the dungeon!” Lucky Bucky commanded, brandishing the gun.

Max groaned. “Not that again!”

“Don’t blame me,” Lucky Bucky said. “It’s the rule. After an enemy is squashed in the Squash Room, the body is taken to the dungeon and dropped into the bottomless pit. It’s traditional. That’s the way the guy that built the castle always did it.”

“Oh, well, if that’s the system, that’s the system,” Max said. “I don’t suppose there’s anything you can do about it. I’m sorry I showed my pique. I didn’t understand.”

“Do it again,” Lucky Bucky said. “I missed it.”

“Do what again?”

“Show me your peak.”

“Well . . . just a peek.”

“Forget it. All or nothing at all.” He waved the gun again. “March!”

Lucky Bucky directed them along the corridor, then down the stairs. When they reached the dungeon, he stopped them at a wooden lid that appeared to be sitting on the floor.

“That’s the top to the bottomless pit,” he said. “Lift it.”

Max picked up the lid and set it aside. A dark hole opened up before them.

Max peered into it. “So that’s the bottomless pit. How deep is it?”

“Nobody’s ever lived to tell.”

“Well, we have a first to shoot for, 99,” Max said.

“Jump!” Lucky Bucky commanded.

Max pointed to his foot. “Isn’t it a little barbaric to make a man die without his shoe telephone on?”

“If I find it, I’ll toss it down after you,” Lucky Bucky promised.

“I suppose that will have to do,” Max said. He turned to 99. “I’m sorry it has to end this way, 99. If we had completed this mission alive, there was something I was going to ask you.”

“Yes, Max . . . what?” 99 said tearfully.

“Well, I was hoping you’d help me get that peanut brittle crunch back into that capsule. If I lose it, it’ll come out of my pay, you know.”

“Enough of this sentimental chit-chat!” Lucky Bucky shouted. “Jump!”

99 sniffled. “May I hold your hand, Max?”

“Of course, 99. I won’t need it where I’m going.”

“Juuuuuuump already!” Lucky Bucky screamed.

Hand in hand, Max and 99 leaped into the bottomless pit.

“Are you afraid, Max?” 99 whimpered as they hurtled downward through the pitch darkness.

“Afraid, no, 99. But I’m a little worried.”

“About what, Max?”

“Well, if this is really a bottomless pit, we’re going to be falling for an awful long time. Forever, would be my guess.”

“That
is
something to worry about,” 99 agreed.

“That isn’t what’s worrying me.”

“What, then, Max?”

“How is the bookkeeping department at Control going to look at it? Are we going to be paid double for overtime? Or are they going to take it out of our vacation?”

“Max, you know the bookkeeping department!”

“I guess you’re right. Well, let’s try to enjoy ourselves, in that case, 99, We’re on vacation.”

M
AX AND
99 suddenly hit water. Water was all around them. Instinctively, they held their breaths and thrashed their way to the surface. All at once they were able to breathe again, although they were still in the water.

“99,” Max said, “are you by any chance pretending that we’re vacationing at Miami Beach?”

“Not me, Max.”

“Then we must have found the bottom of the bottomless pit. And apparently it’s filled with water.”

“Does that suggest Miami Beach to you, Max?”

“No, 99, I was— Nevermind. Can you see anything?”

“Not a thing, Max.”

“I seem to be moving. Are you moving, 99?”

“I think so. Max, I think we landed in some kind of underground stream. And the current seems to be taking us somewhere.”

“Either that, 99, or we landed in some kind of underground stream and we’re caught up in the current.”

“Max! There’s a light up ahead!”

“I hardly think so, 99. Lucky Bucky obviously doesn’t know about this stream. And if he did, he wouldn’t light it, would he? And since he doesn’t, who would?”

“Would what, Max?”

“Light it.”

“But that
is
a light, Max.”

“99, it’s daytime. Nobody keeps the lights on in the daytime.”

“But, Max, can’t you see it? It’s definitely a light.”

“I know that, 99. All I’m saying is— Oh. It’s daylight, 99. We’re coming to the end of the underground stream.”

“I wonder where it will take us?”

“My guess would be—”

The stream swept them from the cavern and out into the ocean. Huge waves washed over them.

“Well, wrong again,” Max said.

“Swim, Max!”

“99, I’m not a child. I don’t have to be told what to do when I find myself over my head in ocean.”

They swam back to the island and dragged themselves up on the beach. After they had rested a moment, Max got up and looked around.

“Where are we, Max?” 99 asked wearily.

“I don’t recognize it, 99. But evidently something terrible has happened here.”

“What, Max?” 99 said, rising.

“Look—over there. That whole ring of trees has apparently been snapped off at the base by some giant, ferocious animal.”

“Oh . . . Max! You snapped them off at the base with that collapsible machine gun—remember? We’re right back where we started!”

Max sighed. “Then this is it, 99. We’ll never find our way back to that castle.”

“Couldn’t we try, Max?”

“There just isn’t time. For all we know, Lucky Bucky may be setting out with Guru Optimo right now to take over the world. This calls for drastic action, 99.”

“Do you have something in mind?”

“Yes. I’m going to call the Chief and have him send the Air Force to bomb this island out of existence.”

“Max, in the first place, if the Air Force bombs this island out of existence, won’t we be bombed out of existence with it?”

“That’s a sacrifice we’ll have to make, 99. What’s more important—us, or the fate of the entire civilized world?”

“Well . . . ”

“I tend to agree with you, 99. But I suspect that the entire civilized world would have a different opinion.”

“Max, there’s something else. How are you going to call the Chief? Lucky Bucky threw your shoe out that window.”

“Simple, 99,” Max replied, taking off his other shoe. “I’m going to use the extension.”

“I didn’t know about that, Max.”

“I try to keep it a secret,” Max said. “When the information gets out that you have two phones, some practical joker always tries to call you on both lines at once, and you find yourself talking to yourself.”

Max dialed.

Operator:
I’m ready with your call to General Grant, sir.

Max:
Operator, General Grant is dead.

Operator:
Then why did you call him?

Max:
I didn’t. Operator, this is Max Smart. I’m trying to call the Chief.

Operator:
Have you tried shouting out the window?

Max:
I’m on an island out in the ocean. That’s why I’m using a phone. Now, will you connect me with Control, please?

Operator:
What about your call to General Grant? He’s on the line.

Max:
Let him talk to Mr. Lincoln for a while. I’ll speak with him as soon as I finish talking to the Chief.

(Click)

Chief:
Control . . . Chief here . . .

Max:
Chief, this is Max. I have a desperate—

Chief:
Max who?

Max:
Max Smart, Agent 86, Chief. I have a desperate—

Chief:
I don’t know who you are, sir, but if this is supposed to be a joke, it isn’t very funny.

Max:
Chief? Is that you? This is me, Max. Remember? Your top agent?

Chief:
This is in very bad taste, sir. Max Smart is dead.

Max:
Operator, did you connect me to General Grant?

Operator:
How could I? He’s talking to Mr. Lincoln.

Max:
Chief, let’s start again. Hello, Chief? This is Max. Now, as I was saying—

Chief:
Sir, it might interest you to know that not ten minutes ago I received a call from V. T. Brattleboro. He was calling on Max’s shoe phone. And he informed me that Max and Agent 99 had died in the castle, murdered by Lucky Bucky Buckley. Now, I’m certain that if Max were still alive, it would have been impossible for V. T. Brattleboro to have possession of his shoe phone.

Max:
I wouldn’t say that, Chief. You see—

Chief:
You’re an impostor, sir—whoever you are.

Max:
Chief, let’s wait until I get back to Headquarters to debate this. Right now, I have a very unusual but nonetheless urgent request to make. The fate of the entire civilized world will depend on your answer. Chief, I want you to bomb this island out of existence. And there isn’t a moment to lose. Okay?

(Silence)

Max:
Chief? Still there?

Chief:
I don’t have a bomb handy.

Max:
No, I want you to have the Air Force bomb the island out of existence.

Chief:
I see. And what reason would I give? Because some nut called me on the phone and requested it?

Max:
Chief, I’m not just
any
nut—this is Max!

Chief:
I repeat—Max is dead.

Max:
Chief, who are you going to believe, me or V. T. Brattleboro?

Chief:
Are you calling on Max’s shoe phone?

Max:
Well, no, I’m—

Chief:
Aha!

(click)

“He hung up,” Max reported to 99.

“Max, then why are you still listening on your extension?”

“Shhh . . . I think the operator got the lines crossed. Mr. Lincoln and General Grant are discussing the campaign.”

“Battle strategy, you mean, Max?”

“Not that kind of campaign—the election campaign. Grant wants Lincoln to shave off his beard. He says it makes him look like a beatnik.”