Gay Amish 03 - A Way Home (6 page)

“In a few days. She had to shuffle her schedule around.” Aaron frowned. “What? What did they say? You look upset.”

“I’m fine.” It was a lie, of course. He walked a bit further up the hall, tugging Aaron along. “I’m going back with them.”

“Okay,” Aaron said, leery. “To the farm? They’re letting you see the kids?”

“Yes. But I’m going to stay there.”

“What does that mean?” His voice rose.

Isaac raised a hand. “It’s just while we’re here. I have to help. You can imagine how much work there is with Mother and Father here at the hospital every day. I can help Ephraim with the milking and the chores. They need me. The neighbors are helping, but I should be there.”

“Isaac, you don’t have to sleep there to help with the chores. I can take you over and pick you up.” His jaw set, and he looked so much like their mother in that moment. “Don’t let them bully you into going back. Don’t let them manipulate you. You know they’re going to try to talk you into staying for good.”

“I know. But it’s the only way they’ll let me see Ephraim and Katie and Joseph.”

Aaron laughed bitterly. “Blackmail—how very Christian of them.”

“It’s not. I
want
to help them. This is the only way they’ll let me. What else can I do?” His stomach roiled. He didn’t want Aaron to be angry with him, but he didn’t want his parents to be either.

With his hands on his hips, Aaron gritted out, “It’s all such bullshit, Isaac. I don’t want them to make you doubt yourself.”

“They won’t. I can handle it. They think it’s the right thing. You know they think we’re going to hell if we’re not Amish.”

“There’s no hell,” Aaron scoffed. “Just the one we make for ourselves. For each other.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “I’m sorry. I know you believe in it. I just don’t want them to mess with your head. Isaac, you’ll never be the good little Amish boy they want you to be.”

“I know. But…I love them.” He blinked rapidly. “I love them, Aaron. They’re doing what they think is right, and I need to go home and see my brothers and sister. I’m sorry.”

Aaron sighed. “Don’t be sorry.
I’m
sorry. I’m being an asshole.”

“You’re not.” Isaac smiled tentatively. “Well, maybe a little.”

Aaron’s lips quirked up. “Who can you rely on to tell you the truth if not your brother?”

“I know it’s hard.” Isaac’s smile faded. “But they want what’s best for me—just like you do.”

“I wish I could agree with them on what that is.” Aaron looked at his shoes, and when he raised his head tears shone in his eyes. He whispered, “I love them too. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt so much.”

“Aaron…” Isaac reached for him, but Aaron stepped away, shaking his head.

“I need to get my shit together. I’m supposed to be taking care of you.”

Wordlessly, Isaac resolutely wrapped his arms around his brother, and they held each other tightly. After a few moments, he whispered, “We’re supposed to take care of each other.”

“Thank you. Oh, Isaac. I know it’s your choice,” Aaron said quietly. “I just worry. You’ve come so far the last few months, and I don’t want going home to mess with your head. I want you to be happy.”

“I want you to be happy too. I’ll be okay.” Stepping back, Isaac swiped his wet eyes. He pulled out his phone and hit the button to call David. It clicked over immediately to voice mail. Isaac’s heart ached as he listened to David’s too-formal message.

“Hello. This is David Lantz. I cannot answer the phone right now. Please leave me a message after the beep and I will call you back as soon as I can. Thank you, and have a very good day.”

“It’s me. You’re probably still on the plane. Nathan’s doing as well as possible, I guess. I need to see the others, so I’m going home with Mother and Father. I need to help around the farm too. I can’t bring my phone, but I’ll see you soon. I…I miss you. I’m so glad you’re coming.” He finished the call and held out the phone to Aaron.

“What? No—take it with you.”

“It wouldn’t be right. Not in their house.”

Aaron shook his head. “Just hide it. They don’t have to know.”

“But I’d know.”

Sighing, Aaron took the phone. “I’ll see you back here tomorrow, okay? Make sure you come with them or I’ll worry. I mean, I know they’re not going to lock you in the ice house until you agree to be baptized, but…I’ll worry anyway.”

“Okay.” He looked beyond Aaron to where Mother and Father now waited, wearing their black coats and watching with matching stoic expression. They turned and walked away, and with a wave to Aaron, Isaac took a deep breath and followed.

#

It was stranger than he would have imagined riding in the back of the family buggy again. Mother and Father perched up front on the bench, and Isaac sat behind. Usually he’d been crammed in with his siblings, and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d rode in the back of the covered buggy alone. Wearing his English jeans and other clothes, he felt embarrassed and wrong.

The
clip-clop
of Roy’s hooves was soothing, although he winced when the buggy shook as cars sped around them. He’d noticed that they still weren’t using lights or the orange safety triangles, even after Mrs. Lantz and Mary had almost died. Maybe they were right that it was all God’s will, but he still liked the feel of a seatbelt around him. Besides, if it was God’s will, why was English medicine okay when they needed it, but not an orange reflector to try and prevent accidents? If he asked, Isaac knew the response would only be that it was their way.

As they turned up the drive to the farm, his stomach somersaulted. Would Ephraim be mad at him? Perhaps Katie and Joseph would too, and how could he blame them after how he’d left without saying goodbye? He’d written letters, but didn’t think their parents had passed them on.

The buggy creaked to a stop, Roy nickering. His heart in his throat, Isaac clambered down. Katie normally would have been at school, but she was coming from the wash house, wiping her hands on her apron. She was almost eleven now, and she seemed at least two inches taller than when he’d seen her last.

Katie gasped. “Isaac!” She bolted toward him across the muddy yard and barreled into his arms.

He squeezed her. “Hi, Katie. I missed you so much.”

“Oh, Isaac. Where have you been?” She gripped him, and then, with a glance at their parents, stepped back and straightened her black cap over her light hair. She took in his English clothes with wide eyes. “Are you coming home now?”

Joseph skidded to a stop. He’d run from the barn, and Isaac could see Ephraim in the doorway, his expression hidden by his dark hat and too far away to see anyway. Joseph eyed their parents and then extended his hand.

“Hello, Isaac.”

Isaac took his little hand and shook it. “Hello, Joseph. I’m so glad to see you.”

“We all are,” Father said. “It is a great joy to have Isaac back at home. Where he belongs.”

Isaac pulled Joseph into a hug, ruffling his brown hair. He realized he hadn’t answered Katie’s question. “I’m coming back for a little while to help while Nathan’s sick.”

Katie’s shoulders slumped. “Not to stay?”

Before he could answer, Mother said, “We’ll see what the Lord has in store. Now get back to your chores. Katie, did you peel the potatoes?”

Ephraim was still silhouetted in the barn door, and Isaac started toward him.

“Isaac.”

He turned to his father. “Yes?”

“You’ll change first.”

It wasn’t a question, so Isaac hurried into the house and toed off his sneakers, carrying them with him. It was like a dream to be climbing the stairs again and feeling the worn wood beneath his feet. His heart pounded against his ribs as he crept into his old room. Both the beds were neatly made, quilts pulled tightly over the pillows, but he had a feeling his and Nathan’s bed hadn’t been slept in since Nathan went to the hospital.

So many nights he’d lain there, dreaming of another life and cursing his brother’s snores.
I should have known something was wrong with him.
He didn’t know how, but he should have.

The dresser was the same too, and all his clothes were folded inside his drawers just as he’d left it. Had Mother put them back yesterday, hoping he’d agree to come back with them? Or had they left all his things untouched with the hope he’d return one day soon? Guilt flowed through him, heavy like quicksand.

Mother and Father would surely throw out his English clothes, so after Isaac stripped naked, he hid them away in the bottom of Nathan’s trunk. Nathan wouldn’t mind, he didn’t think. He buttoned the flap on his pants and fastened the hooks at the neck of his shirt, his trembling fingers making it harder than it once had been. He brushed his short hair over his forehead as much as he could, wishing for a mirror. How easily he’d grown accustomed to English ways.

His hat was waiting on a peg by the door downstairs. The afternoon was warmer than it had been, so he left his coat behind after lacing up his boots. Ephraim wasn’t waiting in the doorway anymore, and with each step closer to the barn, Isaac’s dread grew.
He probably hates me.
He could feel his parents watching him as they went about their work, but at least they left him to speak to Ephraim alone.

The scratch of a broom on hay echoed in the musty air of the barn. Isaac stood just inside and watched his brother sweeping out a stall, hay flying with each forceful stroke. Like Katie, Ephraim was taller too. It had only been four months since Isaac had left home—which seemed impossible—but he swore Ephraim was bigger. He’d taken off his hat, and his sandy curls were a mess around his head.

“Are you just doing to stand there catching flies?”

Isaac started. “I…no.” He hung his hat on a peg and grabbed another broom.

They swept side by side in silence, and soon Isaac swiped sweat from his brow. It felt surprisingly good. With all the studying he’d been doing, he’d missed physical work. Finally he ventured a few words. “How are you?”

Ephraim snorted. “Mad. Frustrated. Jealous. Sad.”

“I’m sorry.” The wood was smooth in Isaac’s grip where he squeezed. “I’ve wanted to talk to you so much. I wrote you.”

Ephraim’s head snapped up. For the first time he met Isaac’s gaze. “You really did?”

“Yes. More than once.”

With a curt shake of his head, Isaac went back to sweeping. “That’s what Anna said. Figures they didn’t give me the letters. What did you say?”

“That I miss you. That I’m sorry for leaving like that. That I hope one day you’ll forgive me.”

“Do you like it out there?”

“Yes. I like it a lot. I still miss things about home, but…I do like it. I’m going to school.”

“So you’re just back for a little bit?”

“While Nathan’s sick I want to help.”

Ephraim’s face creased. “I’ve only been able to see him in the hospital once. Do you think he’s going to die?”

Typical Ephraim, to ask flat out. Affection warmed Isaac. “I don’t know. I hope not. But I’ll tell you everything I find out.”

“Okay.” Ephraim moved into the far corner of the stall, still sweeping even though it was clean. “How’s Aaron?”

“Good. He came back with me.”

“He did?” Ephraim whirled to face Isaac, his mouth agape. “He’s here? Did he talk to them?”

“Yes—at the hospital yesterday. It didn’t go very well.”

“I bet.” Ephraim shook his head, smiling softly. “I’d love to see him again.”

“He’s staying at June’s. We can go over one day. She said she met you.”

“Yeah. She’s nice. Anna really likes her.”

“Anna, huh? Are you guys…”

Ephraim rolled his eyes. “We’re going steady, but it’s just pretend. We’re biding our time. The last thing she wants is to have to go home from the singings with one of the other boys. She won’t be Amish much longer if she can help it.”

“What about you?”

His gaze dropped. “I don’t know. I don’t think I want to stay in Zebulon, but…I’m not sure if I’d like living English either. It’s too…complicated.”

“You don’t have to decide anything right now. And you and Anna are just pretending?”

“Yeah. I guess.” Ephraim shrugged, but his cheeks were pink.

Isaac didn’t want to ask, but he had to. “How’s Mary doing?”

Ephraim met his gaze. “Okay, I guess. She was pretty messed up when you ran off with her brother.”

“I…” His knees went rubbery.
Does he know?

“David’s staying at Aaron’s too, right? So I guess you see each other a lot. Does he like it there?”

Isaac’s heart clenched as he realized he didn’t truly know the answer. Putting everything that had happened between them aside,
did
David actually like it in San Francisco? Deep down, Isaac knew the answer—an answer to a question he hadn’t wanted to ask. He forced a smile for Ephraim. “Sure.”

“Is he coming back to visit too?”

“Yes. He’s on his way.” And in that moment, Isaac realized he didn’t care about what had happened with stupid Clark, or that David hadn’t told him the truth about how he’d been feeling, or that David had been drinking without telling him. He just wanted to hold him again.

“Hey, have you met any English girls out there?” Ephraim’s eyes gleamed. “Are they as wild as they seem?”

Isaac wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not by the question. Part of him was, but part of him wanted his brother to know the truth. To see the real him. “I haven’t really had time.” He gazed around the barn, not meeting Ephraim’s gaze. “Do you need help washing out the pails?”

“Sure. Old Samuel Kauffman and his son have been coming by to help, but I still have a lot to do without Father here most days.” Ephraim walked out of the stall, and then spun around. “I’ve been really mad at you.”

“I know.” He bit his lip.

Ephraim rushed toward him, yanking Isaac into a hug so tight it almost knocked the air from his lungs. Isaac squeezed his eyes shut and hugged him back. Ephraim smelled like hay and sweat and old milk, and Isaac gripped him.

“Of course I forgive you. Just don’t leave again without saying goodbye,” Ephraim muttered.

“I won’t. I won’t.” Isaac stroked a hand over Ephraim’s curls, and his brother stooped to drop his head to Isaac’s shoulder.