Dancing Girls (32 page)

“You’re hyperventilating,” A. says. “Slow it down.” He is rubbing her back now, hard, and she takes his hand and shoves it viciously farther down, to the right place, which is not the right place as soon as his hand is there. She remembers a story she read once, about the Nazis tying the legs of Jewish women together during labour. She never really understood before how that could kill you.

A nurse appears with a needle. “I don’t want it,” Jeannie says.

“Don’t be hard on yourself,” the nurse says. “You don’t have to go through pain like that.”
What pain?
Jeannie thinks. When there is no pain she feels nothing, when there is pain, she feels nothing because there is no
she
. This, finally, is the disappearance of language.
You don’t remember afterwards
, she has been told by almost everyone.

Jeannie comes out of a contraction, gropes for control. “Will it hurt the baby?” she says.

“It’s a mild analgesic,” the doctor says. “We wouldn’t allow anything that would hurt the baby.” Jeannie doesn’t believe this. Nevertheless she is jabbed, and the doctor is right, it is very mild, because it doesn’t seem to do a thing for Jeannie, though A. later tells her she has slept briefly between contractions.

Suddenly she sits bolt upright. She is wide awake and lucid. “You have to ring that bell right now,” she says. “This baby is being born.”

A. clearly doesn’t believe her. “I can feel it, I can feel the head,” she says. A. pushes the button for the call bell. A nurse appears and checks, and now everything is happening too soon, nobody is ready. They set off down the hall, the nurse wheeling. Jeannie feels fine. She watches the corridors, the edges of everything shadowy because she doesn’t have her glasses on. She hopes A. will remember to bring them. They pass another doctor.

“Need me?” she asks.

“Oh no,” the nurse answers breezily. “Natural childbirth.”

Jeannie realizes that this woman must have been the anaesthetist. “What?” she says, but it’s too late now, they are in the room itself, all those glossy surfaces, tubular strange apparatus like a science fiction movie, and the nurse is telling her to get onto the delivery table. No one else is in the room.

“You must be crazy,” Jeannie says.

“Don’t push,” the nurse says.

“What do you mean?” Jeannie says. This is absurd. Why should she wait, why should the baby wait for them because they’re late?

“Breathe through your mouth,” the nurse says. “Pant,” and Jeannie finally remembers how. When the contraction is over she uses the nurse’s arm as a lever and hauls herself across onto the table.

From somewhere her own doctor materializes, in her doctor suit already, looking even more like Mary Poppins than usual, and Jeannie says, “Bet you weren’t expecting to see me so soon!” The baby is being born when Jeannie said it would, though just three days ago the doctor said it would be at least another week, and this makes Jeannie feel jubilant and smug. Not that she knew, she’d believed the doctor.

She’s being covered with a green tablecloth, they are taking far too long, she feels like pushing the baby out now, before they are ready. A. is there by her head, swathed in robes, hats, masks. He has forgotten her glasses. “Push now,” the doctor says. Jeannie grips with her hands, grits her teeth, face, her whole body together, a snarl, a fierce smile, the baby is enormous, a stone, a boulder, her bones unlock, and, once, twice, the third time, she opens like a birdcage turning slowly inside out.

A pause; a wet kitten slithers between her legs. “Why don’t you look?” says the doctor, but Jeannie still has her eyes closed. No glasses, she couldn’t have seen a thing anyway. “Why don’t you look?” the doctor says again.

Jeannie opens her eyes. She can see the baby, who has been wheeled up beside her and is fading already from the alarming birth purple.
A good baby
, she thinks, meaning it as the old woman did:
a good watch
, well-made, substantial. The baby isn’t crying; she squints in the new light. Birth isn’t something that has been given to her, nor has she taken it. It was just something that has happened so they could greet each other like this. The nurse is stringing beads for her name. When the baby is bundled and tucked beside Jeannie, she goes to sleep.

As for the vision, there wasn’t one. Jeannie is conscious of no special knowledge; already she’s forgetting what it was like. She’s tired and very cold; she is shaking, and asks for another blanket. A. comes back to the room with her; her clothes are still there. Everything is quiet, the other woman is no longer screaming. Something has happened to her, Jeannie knows, Is she dead? Is the baby dead? Perhaps she is one of those casualties (and how can Jeannie herself be sure, yet, that she will not be among them) who will go into postpartum depression and never come out. “You see, there was nothing to be afraid of,” A. says before he leaves, but he was wrong.

The next morning Jeannie wakes up when it’s light. She’s been warned about getting out of bed the first time without the help of a nurse, but she decides to do it anyway (peasant in the field! Indian on the portage!). She’s still running on adrenalin; she’s also weaker than she thought, but she wants very much to look out the window. She feels she’s been inside too long, she wants to see the sun come up. Being awake this early always makes her feel a little unreal, a little insubstantial, as if she’s partly transparent, partly dead.

(It was to me, after all, that the birth was given, Jeannie gave it, I am the result. What would she make of me? Would she be pleased?)

The window is two panes with a Venetian blind sandwiched between them; it turns by a knob at the side. Jeannie has never seen a window like this before. She closes and opens the blind several times. Then she leaves it open and looks out.

All she can see from the window is a building. It’s an old stone building, heavy and Victorian, with a copper roof oxidized to green. It’s solid, hard, darkened by soot, dour, leaden. But as she looks at this building, so old and seemingly immutable, she sees that it’s made of water. Water, and some tenuous jellylike substance. Light flows through it from behind (the sun is coming up), the building is so thin, so fragile, that it quivers in the slight dawn wind. Jeannie sees that if the building is this way (a touch could destroy it, a ripple of the earth, why has no one noticed, guarded it against accidents?) then the rest of the world must be like this too, the entire earth, the rocks, people, trees, everything needs to be protected, cared for, tended. The enormity of this task defeats her; she will never be up to it, and what will happen then?

Jeannie hears footsteps in the hall outside her door. She thinks it must be the other woman, in her brown and maroon checked coat, carrying her paper bag, leaving the hospital now that her job is done. She has seen Jeannie safely through, she must go now to hunt
through the streets of the city for her next case. But the door opens, it’s only a nurse, who is just in time to catch Jeannie as she sinks to the floor, holding onto the edge of the air-conditioning unit. The nurse scolds her for getting up too soon.

After that the baby is carried in, solid, substantial, packed together like an apple. Jeannie examines her, she is complete, and in the days that follow Jeannie herself becomes drifted over with new words, her hair slowly darkens, she ceases to be what she was and is replaced, gradually, by someone else.

The following stories were previously published: