Read Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook Online
Authors: June Hunt
Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (5 page)
Defense mechanisms shield a person from frightening thoughts, feelings, and memories, providing a way to lie to oneself when the truth seems too painful to face. This delusion delays freedom because God uses truth to set captives free. What we fear most is what we need most to face.
Denial:
Refusing to accept the reality of the situation.
— “I did nothing wrong; I feel nothing.”
Avoidance:
Avoiding or dismissing unacceptable truths.
— “I’m not going to church today—it’s Sanctity of Life Sunday. My abortion doesn’t affect me, and I refuse to dwell on it.”
Compensation:
Trying to make up for real or imagined defects by exaggerating a strength.
— “We’re all human…this good thing that I do makes up for the bad thing I did.”
Reaction:
Pushing down whatever feelings are causing anxiety and adamantly professing the exact opposite of those feelings, often with tears.
— “I have never, ever regretted my decision to have an abortion. In fact, the times since the abortion have been among the best years of my life.”
The natural human reaction to fear and anxiety is to fight against it or flee from it, not to embrace it and walk through it with God’s help. To believe that truth can be denied, avoided, camouflaged, or replaced with a lie is to walk in blindness and remain in the dark. Only that which is brought into the light can be forgiven. Acknowledging our sin and asking forgiveness pulls us onto the road to freedom. God’s purpose in this is not to shame us but to reveal His loving and forgiving heart.
“Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account”
(H
EBREWS
4:13).
HAT
A
RE
S
YMPTOMS OF
PAS?
God desires that no one live with PAS, but He uses it to draw people to Him in search of relief from pain, release from guilt, and removal of all the destructive and heartbreaking side effects of sin.
Guilt:
Heavily burdened because of violating a personal moral code or God’s law
Anxiety:
A state of apprehension (tension, a pounding heart, an upset stomach, and disturbed sleep patterns)
Avoidance Behaviors:
Steering clear of situations or objects that are reminders of abortion (such as baby showers or children)
Psychological Numbing:
Keeping emotions controlled (refusal or inability to form and maintain close relationships)
Depression and Thoughts of Suicide:
Flattened emotions, low self-esteem, and thoughts of suicide
Re-experiencing:
Having recurring nightmares or flashbacks of the abortion caused by certain triggers (such as vacuum cleaners or commercials featuring babies)
Fertility and Bonding Issues:
Preoccupation with becoming pregnant again, anxiety over fertility, an interruption in bonding with present or future children
Survival Guilt:
Making attempts to atone for a choice perceived to be selfish or sinful
Self-abusive Behaviors:
Some may develop eating disorders, or engage in alcohol or substance abuse, or other self-punishing or self-degrading behaviors
Anniversary Reaction:
Increased symptoms around the anniversary of the abortion, or what would have been the due date of the aborted child
Brief Reactive Psychosis:
A brief break with reality (usually within two weeks of the abortion) and, in most cases, a subsequent rapid recovery to normalcy
Those suffering from the disruptive effects of PAS struggle to live a fulfilling life. However, they are unable to achieve the full life that is found only in a right relationship with Jesus.
“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full”
(J
OHN
10:10).
HO
C
AN
S
UFFER FROM
PAS?
— Women who were pressured to have the abortion
— Women who were raised in a strict religious home environment who have had an abortion
— Women who were raped and had an abortion under duress
— Women who are returning to an environment where the abortion must be kept a deep, dark secret
— Men who were excluded from the abortion decision
— Men who coerced their partner to abort
— Men whose spouses aborted against their will
— Men who are ambivalent about the abortion decision
Although poor choices were made, God pursues us and repeatedly gives us second chances.
“I will search for the lost and bring back the strays.
I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak”
(E
ZEKIEL
34:16).
Maintaining a healthy relationship is extremely difficult while experiencing the stressful symptoms of PAS. Anyone striving to survive has limited emotional energy to invest in intimacy with someone else.
Breakup of the Relationship:
A woman can become disillusioned when a man fails to be her “protector” by insisting she have an abortion. If the decision was made against the man’s wishes, he may feel like he failed to protect his unborn child. Because abortion involves a death, this stress on a relationship can lead to feelings of isolation.
Threat to Family Structure:
The sense of oneness is destroyed by the woman’s legal right to make this death decision on her own. The woman’s decision to abort a man’s child can cause the loss of his identity as a protecting “father,” leaving him weak and powerless.Sexual Dysfunction:
Female sexual desire is usually drastically reduced after an abortion. However, the woman’s need to boost her sense of self-worth may drive her to compulsively search for sexual encounters. The man may push to resume sexual relations immediately to receive confirmation that his partner still loves him. If the woman resists his overtures, this can lead to further feelings of emasculation and failure.
Communication Problems:
Feelings of resentment may develop on both sides, building walls that hinder intimacy.
These negative reactions aren’t anticipated, and those involved may not be prepared to work through them. The barrier that rises can seem impossible to breach and becomes catastrophic to the relationship. When the heart is hurt and spirit crushed, relationships with others cannot be healthy or healed.
“My spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed”
(P
SALM
143:4).
HAT
P
ART
D
OES
D
ENIAL
P
LAY IN
PAS?
Denial of whom or what has been lost through abortion helps buy time psychologically…until the realization that the death of a baby has really occurred and the man or woman bears much of the responsibility for causing that death. Layers of denial need to be peeled back, much like an onion, revealing soft, thin, almost transparent layers of stress and pain that must be examined and grieved before going to the next layer.
Coming out of denial is the work of the Holy Spirit in the postabortion man or woman. Frequently those who are hurting from abortion will get “stuck” in their hard places. These places should be considered “holy ground.” This is where they feel they are fighting for their very lives and where they need to know someone is walking with them shoulder to shoulder to help them find God’s grace.
OW
C
AN
Y
OU
H
EAL
A
FTER
H
AVING AN
A
BORTION
?
Spend all the time necessary at these junctures on the path to recovery, so that one day the Road to Transformation will be reached, where healing and wholeness wait.
— Stop blaming other people or circumstances for the abortion
— Realize the decision is ultimately the mother’s choice
— Agree with God that abortion is wrong
“Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account”
(H
EBREWS
4:13).
— Choose to work through the denial
— Relive the negative feelings surrounding the abortion
— Talk about the experience with a trusted friend or sensitive counselor
“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out”
(P
ROVERBS
20:5).
— Learn that it is okay to express anger
— Determine with whom you are angry, and why
— Write (but don’t mail) an appropriate anger letter to each person with whom you are angry
“In your anger do not sin
.
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold”
(E
PHESIANS
4:26-27).
— Stop self-condemning language
— Stop self-abusive behavior
— Overcome self-hatred
— Put to rest “survival guilt”
“I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the L
ORD
’—and you forgave the guilt of my sin”
(P
SALM
32:5).
— Choose to forgive; it is not a
feeling
but an
act of the will
— Determine whom you need to forgive
— Write a letter to God forgiving each person with whom you have been angry
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you”
(C
OLOSSIANS
3:13).
— Recognize the loss of the pregnancy
— You may want to name your child, realizing that a real live baby was aborted
— Write out your feelings for your child
— Conduct a short memorial service
— Commit your child into the loving hands of God
“[There is] a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance”
(E
CCLESIASTES
3:4).
— Express compassion to others in similar circumstances
— Advise others who are considering an abortion
— Be the light that leads a hopeless heart to Christ
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God”
(2 C
ORINTHIANS
1:3-4).