Brooke (5 page)

8

T
he borderlands,” Hayden says.

Where chaos reigns
. My father’s voice fills my mind. It’s what he always says when the borderlands are mentioned. Like it all goes together. One long name for a place that belongs to no one.

The borderlands, where chaos reigns.

Also, where I am currently standing.

The knowledge spreads through me like ice, chilling my overheated muscles.

As a little girl my nightmares were about this very place. I dreamed that monsters and wolves and ghouls lived here. Bloodthirsty creatures that tore into flesh for no reason. Now I am older and I know better.

Monsters and ghouls don’t commit atrocities out here.
People
do.

“Does it feel like coming home?” I hear myself say. I don’t know what I want from Hayden’s response. Maybe some assurance that he’s as comfortable here as anywhere.

Hayden lifts an eyebrow. “If home is where a person finds sanctuary and peace, then this place has never been that to me.”

His tone is surprisingly somber. What was it like for him to look after two younger brothers out here? Did he worry about Hyde and Straggler constantly, like I worry about Clara?

He smiles at me suddenly. It’s a cover-up grin, like Clara’s sunbeam smile. Like he believes he said something he shouldn’t have.

“Drink,” he says, handing me a water skin.

“Thanks.” I take it. I finished mine an hour ago. The leather skin is warm and damp from his grip.

“Don’t worry about being out here. It’s not as bad as you think.”

I take a long drink and hand the skin back to him. “I can stomach anything except lies.”

“Fair enough. It
is
as bad. But we’ll be safe on this hill until the wind carries the smoke away.”

I consider our position and see that he’s right. Our hill is small, but we have a few oak trees here that will give us some cover, and an unobstructed view on every side. No one will sneak up on us without earning an arrow between the eyes.

My gaze strays west. Clara is out there, inside the cave on the edge of the coast. I wish I could see her. All I see are plumes of smoke interspersed with glowing spots, where the flames leap highest. The Aether rolls in waves across the sky, looking so alive, so vibrant, compared to the earth with its scorching skin.

I don’t know whether it’s the sight of this war between earth and sky or the cooling of my sodden clothes that chills me, but I begin to shiver.

“You want me to get a fire going?”

That makes me laugh. “Would you? That’d be great.” I can’t think of anything I’d like
less
than a fire. The smoke has gotten in my hair. It’s all I can taste. All I can feel, in the tightness of my lungs. I feel like I’ve
bathed
in smoke.

Hayden gazes across the distance. “The wind is dying down. The fires will burn out soon. We’ll be able to get back by morning at the latest.”

That sounds overly optimistic, but I don’t say anything.

Hayden finds a smooth rock to perch on. “Come on. There’s room for you.”

“I’m fine,” I say reflexively.

After pacing around for five minutes, I realize he’s chosen the only spot on this craggy hill that’s halfway comfortable, but I’ve already made up my mind.

I plop down on the dirt a few paces away from him. A sharp rock pokes into my backside. I am cold, tired, and wet—and I smell like a chimney—but that rock is what pushes a string of curses out of me.

“Everything all right?” Hayden asks.

I can tell he’s trying not to laugh.

“Wonderful. How’s your throne?”

“Couldn’t be better.” A pause. “You’d be more comfortable over here, Brooke. And warmer.”

“
Warmer?
You want me to
warm up
with you? Do you really think I’m that gullible?”

“I was trying to be practical, but suit yourself. I have to admit, though, I’m flattered you don’t trust yourself around me.”

I snort and pick up a pebble to throw at him. My arm stops mid-throw.

Because of the natural curve in the rock he’s chosen, Hayden is leaning back, half-reclined. It’s a casual, relaxed pose.
Comfortable.
And I suddenly don’t know why I’m here in the dirt, when I could be there.

I hop to my feet and stalk over to him. “I will punch you if you touch me,” I say, sitting beside him.

“You have nothing to worry about. I’m no poacher.”

My heart stops for two full seconds. Hayden is watching my reaction, and I can tell he’s been waiting to say this for hours. Maybe since we left the cave.

“What did you just say?”

“I would never overstep. Especially since he’s my brother.”

“Hyde
told
you?”

Hayden shakes his head, his grin huge. “Hyde would never talk. I had a feeling, based on the smile that hasn’t left his face since you two came back this morning.”

“You and your stupid feelings! It was just a kiss!” It streaks me that I’m even explaining myself. I smack him on the shoulder. “I can kiss whoever I want.”

Hayden’s hands come up in defense as he laughs. “Of course you can, but that’s beside the point. All I meant to say is that I’m not interested”—he gestures at the space between us—“so we’ll be fine here.”

In an elaborate display of nonchalance, he crosses his arms behind his head and leans back like he’s basking in the sun. The smug smile on his mouth makes my blood boil, but I’m determined to play this the right way.

I lean back too, pretending I’m as comfortable as can be in my clammy, smoky clothes. As the minutes drag by, I can tell Hayden is disappointed I didn’t react to his comment.

“I told you not to lie to me,” I say, after five full minutes have passed.

He peers at me. “When did I lie?”

“Just now. You said you’re not interested, but that’s not true. I’ve seen
you watch me.”

“Can’t I look at you?”

“Of course you can. It’s just the way you look at me that’s telling.”

“And how is that?”

“You do this thing with your mouth.”

“I do a thing?”

“Yes. You pout.”

Hayden throws his head back and laughs. “I
pout
at you?”

“Yes. You do.”

It’s actually not a pout, but that’s the only word I can come up with. Occasionally, like just a short while ago, his lips relax in a very appealing, sultry way that is close to a pout, but not a pout.

“Well,” he says. “Don’t let my pout scare you. I promise you’re safe at my side. You and I would never work.”

“You just said that so I’d ask why.”

“
You
just said
that
because you’re avoiding asking why.”

“Fine. Why, Hayden? Why are you so sure we’d never work?”

“Aside from the reason I mentioned earlier?”

“Yes. Aside from that.”

“There’s no spark between us.”

I glare at him. Does this boy ever say anything direct? Does he never say what he actually means?

Turning my focus out over the hills, I consider the situation. He has done this on purpose, of course. To make me wonder if there might be a spark between us. The problem is that even though I see his trickery, I actually
am
wondering.

My heart is thumping, and I’m suddenly aware of just how close he is.

I have always found him attractive. Handsome in a grown, mature way. I’m not the only one who thinks so. I’ve heard women in the tribe talk about his smile on more than one occasion.

My
move on
plan didn’t work with Hyde. How could it, when I saw
hope
in his eyes? Hope that I didn’t feel myself? I won’t use someone else just to make myself feel better. I like Hyde too much. But Hayden?

I look at him, a little ripple of excitement moving through me as I find him watching me. In his eyes I don’t see hope. All I see is humor—and heat. And those soft-looking lips . . . I really
would
like to kiss him.

“There’s only one way to find out,” I say, before I can stop myself. “And you
did
offer to warm me up.”

Hayden’s eyes narrow slightly. “Brooke . . . you’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”

His hand comes up, and he runs his fingers along my cheek. I jump a little, but he doesn’t. His fingers are steady on my skin. Steady as they trace my neck and then run across my collarbone. His eyes are sensual and dark as they follow the path of his touch. His mouth relaxes, and there it is. That sultry pout.

I expected a kiss. That’s not what’s happening, and it’s thrilling.

He looks into my eyes, his gaze so dark and hungry that it takes everything in me not to shiver. Then he bends toward me, and his lips close over mine, the pressure soft but sure. I kiss him back, and Hayden moves in, his tongue sweeping against mine, and a single thought explodes in my mind:
Hayden knows what he’s doing.

He sets an immediate tone, kissing me with confidence, and it feels achingly good, achingly familiar. I twist my hands into his hair and kiss him deeply, and hear him groan.

“Brooke,” he whispers, “easy.” But everything he’s doing contradicts that. His hand grips my thigh, so tight that I feel the pressure of every finger.

I move closer to him. He moves at the same time, and with all the moving that’s happening we end up lying on our sides, face-to-face. Together we are tumbling down a hillside of desire, and it feels safe. So safe not to care. This is only about lips and hands and skin. Swirling, smoky desires that are swallowing me up.

Hayden’s hand rolls up my ribs and brushes over my breast, sending a wave of desire through me. But after a few moments he surprises me by drawing away. “Brooke, there’s
definitely
a spark here. We might actually catch fire if we don’t—”

“Shhh . . . This is more fun when you don’t talk.”

His laugh is a short, clipped sound. “Fun?”

“Yes. Fun.”

I pull him to me again. He rolls on top of me, and then I roll on top of him, and it’s like a little battle in the midst of our kisses, our legs tangling up.

My hand finds his shirt, slipping over the rolling muscles in his stomach. He makes a hissing sound and darts away. “All right,” he says. “That was good.”

I don’t know what just happened. I don’t know why he pulled away. “It was better than
good
, Hayden.”

He mutters a curse and sits forward over his knees. “Brooke, just . . . give me a minute here.”

There’s only one reason he could have stopped. I can’t let that get in the way. “Hayden, what happened with Hyde was . . .” I don’t know how to finish my thought.

What happened between Hyde and me was a beautiful, fragile thing. But it feels like talking about it with Hayden would be disrespectful.

“It’s not that.” He rubs his hands over his head and lets out a breath. “Though it should be.”

“Then what? Is it Perry? Because I’m not with him anymore.”

Hayden lifts his head. “No, Brooke. It’s
you
.”

This throws me. My cheeks warm. “What about me?” I ask, preparing to defend myself.

“You’re running, Brooke. It’s like we’re back in those woods. You’re sprinting through this, and I don’t think . . .” He sighs. “I just have this feeling you don’t really want to do this.”

“Are you really going to tell
me
what
I
want?”

“I’m only telling you what I think. But I would like to know: What
do
you want?”

What do I want? I have to think about it for a moment.

I want to feel wanted and cherished and safe.

I want to find someone who won’t trade me for another.

I want to find love that is visceral and life-sustaining.

All those answers seem a little inappropriate. So I say, “I want you to kiss me again. You’re good at it.”

Hayden gives me a look I’ve never seen before. Like he’s in pain and about to laugh at the same time. “If I do, you’ll hate me tomorrow.”

“You have it backward. I’ll hate you tomorrow if you
don’t
.”

“But I’ll hate myself, and that’s who I have to live with for the rest of my life.”

I don’t know why that makes me laugh, but it does.

Hayden smiles. It’s disarming, his full lips pulling into a wide grin. “I don’t want to start this the wrong way, Brooke.”

I’m not sure what the right way would be. He’s older, and surely he’s been with other women. Are there paths to love, to relationships, that are better than others? I don’t know. I only know the one I’ve taken.

“Start what? You said you weren’t interested.”

Hayden laughs. “I’m interested, Brooke. The question is, are you?”

“I’m interested in not hurting anymore.” And there it goes. My stupid, runaway mouth. “Never mind,” I say, rubbing my arms. The cool night air is seeping back into me, chilling me again.

Hayden falls quiet for what feels like a week. “That’s a good interest,” he says. “The most important one.” A look of concern emerges on his face, and panic spears through me. I’ve exposed too much of myself, my pain.

“Would you stop looking at me like that?”

“Am I pouting again?”

“No. You’re looking at me like I’m weak.” The last thing I want is for Hayden or any of the Six to see me that way.

“You, weak?” He grins, shaking his head. “Never. Now come here before you freeze.” He lifts his arm, inviting me closer.

“Are you joking?”

The words are barely out of my mouth before he drops his arm around me and pulls me close. Then he stretches his legs out, and shifts his back a little, searching for a comfortable position. Everything between us has changed. He feels totally different than he felt five minutes ago. Brotherly.

“So,” he says conversationally, “I’m a good kisser. Was I better than Hyde?”

Maybe not brotherly, then.

“Oh, now that’s a surprise. You made it into a competition.” How did I not see that coming?

“You’re avoiding the question again.”

“You were different.”

“Which is a careful way of saying better.”