And Then You Dance (Crested Butte Cowboys Series Book 2) (10 page)

They were waiting in the lobby when he walked in with Renie and his mother. Sophie Johnson was holding the baby.

Dottie knew as soon as she looked at her, it didn’t matter what any lab or doctor told her. That baby was a Patterson.

Renie saw it too. Billy saw it in her face. He watched her, afraid to look away, afraid he’d miss something. Her look went from shock to…something he didn’t have words for. But when he looked at Willow, he hoped Renie was feeling the same thing he was. It was indescribable.

Sophie Johnson couldn’t take her eyes off Billy. After he came back from South Dakota, her husband told her Billy was the baby’s father. He’d known it the minute he looked in the boy’s eyes. Willow was the spitting image of her daddy, including her pale blue eyes. Roxanne had big, brown eyes. Willow had his dimples too.

“Here,” said Mrs. Johnson. “You hold your girl.”

Billy hesitated, not sure what to do. Willow started kicking her legs, leaning toward him.

“Hold tight Billy,” said Dottie, smiling through her tears. “She’s a squirmer…like you.”

“Why don’t you have a seat son?” Earl Johnson motioned. “Your mama’s right. Willow’s a squirmer.”

Billy could hear him, understood what he was saying, but he couldn’t move. He and Willow stared at each other, as though they were looking in a mirror. He was sure that any minute his heart was would burst right open. When he did look away, it was at Renie. He had no idea what the expression on her face meant.

It was as though all the air left her body when Billy took the baby in his arms. And she watched him fall in love. In that moment, she realized she would never hold his heart the way she hoped she would. She’d dreamed of this day for the two of them, but in her dreams they were falling in love together with
their
baby. Not the baby Billy had with somebody else.

What was she thinking coming with him? She wasn’t any part of the scene playing out in front of her. She was a bystander, and not an innocent one. She was a damaged bystander, witnessing the cause of the worst pain she could imagine.

When Dottie rested her hand on Renie’s back, she flinched, as though the touch burned her.

“Renie?” Billy was walking toward her, with the baby.

“Billy—” Her voice caught in a sob. “I can’t. I can’t do this.”

She felt the walls closing in on her. She couldn’t breathe. All she knew was she had to get away from
this
…Billy and his baby, as fast as she could.

She turned and ran out of the hospital. She jumped into the cab parked outside the entrance. “Take me to the airport,” she said. “Hurry.” The cab sped away.

She couldn’t bring herself to look back to see Billy, standing outside the door, baby in his arms.

Pooh was in the trailer, and Billy was almost ready to leave. He was waiting until Willow woke up and had breakfast before he did. There hadn’t been a day since he brought her home that he wasn’t there when she woke. He didn’t want today to be the first. He hoped instead it would be tomorrow. That would mean he would still be in Crested Butte, and if he were, it would mean Renie had agreed to see him. If she hadn’t, there’d be no reason for him to stay.

He’d never wanted anything more in his life than he wanted Renie to talk to him again. He didn’t care if she didn’t love him anymore. He’d accept it, although he’d still love her for the rest of his life. It wouldn’t be fair for him to ask the same of her. She was young; she deserved to have all the fun someone her age should have. She shouldn’t be tied down, taking care of someone else’s baby.

If he knew she was doing that, having fun, dating, staying out too late, laughing…the way he knew she loved to, he’d be happy.

He never meant to break her heart. Never. He was as shocked as anyone to find out his one night stand had resulted in a baby. He still didn’t know how it had. He’d always been so careful. But now it didn’t matter. Willow was part of his life, the biggest part of it. And he wouldn’t trade her for anything. Not even Renie.

— • —

When Renie got out of the cab, Liv almost didn’t recognize her. She looked as though she’d been crying for hours and the expression on her face…Liv didn’t think she’d ever seen her look that way.

She was walking toward the front door, but it wasn’t the person Liv knew as her daughter. This girl had no life in her; she was beaten down in a way that made Liv’s heart break.

“Renie? Are you okay? What are you doing here?”

“I don’t want to talk right now Mom. Is that okay?” When Renie started to cry, then sob, Liv didn’t know what to do other than put her arms around her and hold her tight.

“I’d like to go lie down.”

“Go ahead honey. We’ll talk after you rest.”

Renie went downstairs and closed the door behind her.

Ben was in the kitchen waiting when Liv turned around.

“What happened?”

“I don’t have any idea.”

“Can you call Billy? Or Dottie?”

“I’ll try. But Ben, I cannot imagine what could have happened. I’ve never seen her this way.” Liv started to cry.

Ben led her into the bedroom. “Come here.”

Liv couldn’t stop crying herself. Renie’s heart was broken; there could be no other explanation for her behavior. But, Liv had known Billy Patterson a long time, and she couldn’t imagine anything he could do that would break Renie so completely. As much as she wanted to know what happened, she couldn’t bring herself to make the call to find out.

***

Dottie told Billy that she’d be back in a few minutes to help with the baby, she needed to go home and grab a couple of things. When she walked in the back door, Bill was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for her.

“How is he?”

“Devastated.”

“She just left?”

Dottie let her husband hug her, the way she usually hugged everybody else. She needed his comfort.

“She’s twenty-three years old Bill. It’s hard to remember she’s so young. She’s usually the wisest old soul in the room. When it comes to Billy, she’s a young woman in love, and she was completely unprepared for this.”

Dottie let go. “I need to get back up there, but I want you to do somethin’ for me. It won’t be easy, but I need you to call Liv, and tell her what’s happened. I can’t. Billy needs help with that beautiful little baby. Come up to the house after you talk to Liv, and meet your granddaughter.”

“Okay, honey. I’ll call Livvie. Don’t you worry, this will all work out eventually.”

Dottie patted Bill’s cheek. “So certain everything will work out. It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you Bill Patterson.”

***

Ben picked up Liv’s phone when it rang and looked at the screen.

“It’s Dottie,” he said, handing it to her.

“Hi Dottie,” she answered.

“No Livvie, not Dottie. Bill here.”

“Oh. Hi Bill. Is everything okay with Dottie?” Bill never called her.

“Dottie’s fine, but there are things I need to tell you Livvie. Have you talked to Renie? Do you know anything of what’s happened?”

“I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn’t talk back. So no, I don’t know anything.”

Fifteen minutes later Liv ended the call. She’d done nothing but listen, so Ben still didn’t know what was happening. When she told him, he put his head in his hands. “Jesus,” was all he said.

Every time Liv went to check on Renie, she was still asleep. She came upstairs a little after noon.

Liv stood and pulled her into a hug.

“Did you talk to Dottie?”

“I did honey.”

“Good. Now you know. We don’t have to talk about it.”

“We don’t? I think we should.”

Renie pulled away from her and walked to the window that looked out at the ranch.

“I don’t ever want to talk about Billy Patterson again Mom. Not ever.”

“Okay Renie. I understand that you’re upset about this, but the Pattersons are family. You and Billy will get past this.”

Renie didn’t even look at Liv. She went straight back down the stairs to the bedroom, and closed the door. This time she locked it. Liv didn’t see her again until the next afternoon.

By that point, she was so worried she asked Ben to see whether he could get the door unlocked so she could check on her.

“I heard noises in the bathroom a few minutes ago,” Ben told her. “She’s fine. Well maybe not fine, but we don’t have to break into her room yet.”

Liv went downstairs and knocked on the door. “Renie? Can I come in?”

No answer.

“Please honey. Let me in. We don’t have to talk about…anything.”

“You can come in Mom. It’s open.”

Liv sat down on the bed and pulled her daughter closer to her. “I’m so sorry baby.”

Renie put her arms around Liv and cried. And cried. She cried so hard that Liv started crying too.

Her breathing evened out, and Liv knew she’d fallen back to sleep. It was for the best. After she got more rest, maybe she’d be ready to talk about it.

A week later, nothing had changed with Renie. She still didn’t want to talk about Billy. She didn’t seem worried about school either, but Liv was.

“Honey, I’m not sure how to say this. I want you to know you can stay as long as you want to, but do you think you should get back to school?”

“No.”

No? That was it? “Have you been in touch with any of your professors?”

“No.”

Liv thought she might pull her hair out. “Renie, you are not a child. You have a responsibility to contact your professors and let them know when you’ll be back.”

Renie didn’t answer her. She got up from the table, went downstairs and closed the bedroom door.

Ben was around the corner, listening. “Want me to talk to her?”

“You better, but not right now. Maybe the next time she decides to come out of exile.”

“She doesn’t know what she wants to do yet.” Ben told her. “This is worse than we originally thought Liv.”

“What do you mean?”

“We should try to get her to talk to someone.”

Ben had been in rehab a year before he met Liv, to quit drinking. There was a therapist he knew in town that he thought Renie should meet with.

“She’s sinking deeper into depression Liv. I’m worried about her.”

He asked Liv to let him be the one to talk to her about it. Renie was against it, in fact, she was furious with him, but Ben insisted. As hard as it was for Liv to let him handle it, she did, and Ben got Renie to go. He went with her, and then a few days later, he went with her again.

“Renie we need to talk about school; you need to decide what you want to do.”

“I’m not going back.”

“You’re sure.”

“Positive.”

This wasn’t the first time Renie had taken a break from school. She took a semester off when Liv broke her neck in her accident.

“You can start up again in the summer and still hold your place in the vet program this fall.”

“No Mom. I’m not going back. Ever.”

“Don’t be ridiculous—”

She was up and gone before Liv finished her sentence.

“I don’t even know her,” Liv cried to Ben later.

“I told you the other day, this is much worse than a breakup Liv. Renie has sunk into depression.”

“She’s never…”

“Renie has done a fan-freaking-tastic job of hiding her feelings for years Liv.
Years.
She has spent her entire life in love with Billy Patterson. I didn’t see it, not that I would, but you didn’t either. Now she’s decided that her life will never be what she imagined it to be, she can’t see past that. She has no idea what the rest of her life will look like, and she’s not ready to try.”

“I don’t know how to help her.”

“She has to work through this on her own, for herself. All we can do now is be available to her when she needs us. That, and I’m coming down hard on her to keep talking to the therapist. That I’ll be an asshole about, because I feel strong she needs it.”

***

Renie picked up her phone and looked. She knew she shouldn’t. She had to stop looking. She had to stop caring whether Billy was trying to reach her or not. She had to stop caring about Billy.

She knew everyone thought she was selfish, but she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t become the caregiver of Billy’s dead girlfriend’s baby. The girlfriend he said he never had.
Fucking liar.

She didn’t believe for one minute she’d been someone who hadn’t mattered, another one-night stand. Or that he’d been careful. The truth was, she hadn’t known him as well as she thought.

She’d wanted forever with Billy. She’d wanted him to love her the way she loved him. Now, she knew that was impossible. He loved that baby—more than he loved her. She felt it that day in the hospital. And when he looked at her so expectantly, hoping she’d embrace this child the same way he was, she wanted to throw up.

She was finished being Billy Patterson’s doormat. She’d spent her whole life being everything he needed, whenever he needed it. God, she’d even slept with him.

The hardest thing for her to accept was how completely clueless she’d been…
her whole life.
She looked in the mirror and had no idea who she was. She’d let Billy define her for so long; she didn’t know who she was without him. She was nothing. She had nothing.

The therapist asked her whether she’d considered taking her life. “What life?” she answered. She didn’t have one to take. Her life as she knew it, was over.

***

“Do you want to keep your apartment Renie?” her mom asked while they ate breakfast.

“No.”

“Then you need to do something about it.” Liv walked out of the room before Renie could respond.

“What the hell?” she said to Ben who sat across from her.

“She’s getting sick of your shit Renie.”

Renie stared at him.

“You’ve been treating her as though this is her fault, and she doesn’t deserve it. She has nothing to do with what happened between you and Patterson. She’s been patient with you, more patient than I would’ve been. But now she’s done. She has her own life to live.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means you need to start taking responsibility for your life. You wanna quit school? Fine. Nobody’s gonna try to talk you out of it. Even if it is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” When she started to speak, Ben held up his hand. “She’s going back out on the road in April Renie. Have you thought about that? Or are you just thinking about yourself?”

“I’m not going back to school Ben.”

“Fine. You wanna quit, quit. But you’ve got an apartment your mom is paying the rent on, and the utilities. She’s not gonna do that forever, and she’s not gonna take care of it for you.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Ask. Us. To. Help. You.”

Renie went in search of her mom.

“I’m sorry,” she said when she found her. “Can you and Ben take me to Fort Collins? I’ll pack up the apartment and go see the registrar at school, let them know I won’t be starting the vet program this year.”

“That’s a start.”

“What else Mom?”

“Your car? Your horse? You have other responsibilities Renie. You can’t turn your back on them.”

Renie started to cry, hard and crawled onto the bed.

“I…can’t…Mom,”
she said through her sobs.
“Please don’t make me.”