A Love Made New (28 page)

I
rene wasn't sure what was going on. She'd never seen Sol like this. She also wasn't sure how she should react. His hand on her shoulder was unnerving, but not threatening. She didn't know where he'd brought her. From what she could tell, there was no one around for miles. The road dead-ended into a field with woods to the left. It was just her and Sol, and he was acting strangely.

Then he released her arm. “I haven't been here since . . .” He closed his eyes, breathed in deep, then opened them. “I promise once I explain everything I'll take you home.” He took off his hat and shoved both hands through his hair. “You told me about
yer vatter
. Now I'm going to tell you about mine.”

She listened as he talked about the beatings his father had given both him and Aden when they were young. About how his father made him beat Aden when he got a little older, to keep both of them in line.

“He said he was teaching me to be strong.” Sol hung his head. “That me punishing Aden instead of him would make us both better men. He was so wrong about that.”

Irene fought the urge to hug him. She sensed he would reject any offer of comfort. Then he started explaining that his father had hoarded money. Not just his own money, but the community's. “It was all greed,” Sol said. “And I went along with it. I didn't care. I was drunk most of the time, Aden was afraid all the time, and
Mamm
ignored everything. But I don't blame her. She had her own way of coping with what was happening in our
familye
.” Then he turned to Irene. “Everything came to a head when he wanted me to marry Sadie Schrock.”

“
Yer bruder
's wife?”

Sol nodded. “He wanted access to the Schrocks' property. There are oil rights on that land
mei
father wanted to get a hand on. And I saw marrying Sadie as an opportunity to escape
mei
life.” He let out a bitter chuckle. “But Aden stepped up. Offered to marry Sadie, and she accepted.
Daed
didn't care which one of us married her. The difference was that Aden loved her. And he protected her and her
schwesters
from
mei
father. That's when
Daed
started losing control.”

Irene was trying to digest what he was saying. She didn't want to believe any of it . . . but deep inside she did. She'd known the bishop was a hard man, distant, very legalistic, and much different from the bishop she remembered in Florida. He'd visited
Mamm
on occasion, always saying he was doing his duty to look after a woman without a husband. But Irene always sensed censure in the man's eyes and voice, as if he blamed Naomi for her husband's abandonment. Of course, he had thought
Daed
left
Mamm
for another woman. But how was that her mother's fault? She'd never liked Sol's father, only respected him because she had to. Now her stomach lurched as she thought of what Sol had been through.

“I wouldn't blame you if you didn't believe me,” Sol said. He
turned from her and faced the front. The horse nickered before munching on the grass at the end of the gravel road.

She moved next to him. “I do believe you.” She shook her head. “What you've been through . . .” she whispered.

Sol abruptly turned to her. “Don't feel sorry for me. I put so many people through so much pain. Aden, Sadie,
mei mamm
. . .
Daed
was right to put me in the bann, even though he was doing it for his own selfish reasons. If he hadn't, then I wouldn't have listened to God.” He clenched his fists. “I'd still be drinking, still be hateful . . . and
Daed
would still be here.”

“Do you want him to come back?”

Sol shook his head, his eyes turning into green chips of ice. “
Nee.
I don't care if I ever see him again.”

Irene's blood chilled. “Surely you don't mean that.”

“I do.” The muscles in his jaw twitched. “He's caused me and
mei familye nix
but heartache.”

“But you have to forgive him.” Irene angled her body so she could face him. “Jesus said—”

“I know what Jesus said!”

She flinched at the anger in his voice.

“I'll take you home now.”

“
Nee
, let's talk about this.”

But he was already turning the buggy around, and he didn't say another word on the way to her house. By the time he pulled into her driveway the sky was a dusky gray and she could barely see his expression when she turned to him. “Sol . . .”

“I'm sorry, Irene. But like I said . . . you'd change
yer
mind about me once you knew the truth.”

“You're wrong about that,” she said. “I haven't changed
mei
mind at all. I just hope one day you'll be able to see
yerself
the way I see you . . .” Her voice caught in her throat. She paused, wishing
there wasn't so much distance between them, distance he had put there. Not by admitting the hard truth about his upbringing, or even the brutal honesty of not being able to forgive his father. He was caving in on himself and she could see it . . . feel it. He was pushing her away, and she wasn't sure she was strong enough to push back.

When she went inside, she passed by the kitchen, barely nodding to her mother as she went upstairs. She closed the door to her room and sank to her knees. She didn't have the strength or ability to heal Sol. Only the Lord did . . . and the Lord's work was exactly what she prayed for.

Sol knew he'd made a mistake telling Irene about his father. He should have known she'd ask him about forgiveness. And he couldn't lie to her. He hadn't forgiven his father. He wasn't sure if he ever truly would.

Consumed with his thoughts, he let his horse take the lead on the way home. But Jasper hadn't taken him home, and when he'd paid attention to where he was, he realized his horse had taken him back to the dead-end road. “
Dummkopf
,” he muttered, irritated more with himself than with the horse. He pulled on the horse's reins, but was met with resistance. He frowned and tugged a little harder. But the horse pulled straight ahead, ignoring Sol's attempt at directing it in any other direction than forward. “Halt!” he said, yanking even harder. The horse finally held up.

The fading rays of sunlight made it difficult for Sol to see. “Come, Jasper,” he said. “Let's
geh
home.”

But the horse wouldn't move. Jasper stood stock-still. Sol jumped out of the buggy to check on him. Maybe there was
something wrong with the animal. But after giving him a thorough once-over, he couldn't find anything. “What's going on with you?” he said, stroking the horse's nose. “Why did you bring me here?”

Sol froze as a shiver ran between his shoulder blades. He turned and looked at the woods, barely making the outline of the trees in the dim light of dusk. A few yards away, deep in the woods, was the small wood shack that had belonged to his father.
Daed
had kept the cabin a secret until Sol stumbled upon it when he was drunk one night. Then after
Daed
left, Sol took Aden there, showing him where their father had hidden the community's money and put Sol in the bann.

His stomach churning, he headed into the woods. He had a flashlight in his buggy, but he didn't bother to get it. He knew these woods. He had spent more than one drunken night in the cabin, and after being in the bann, he had spent three days wandering in circles, detoxing from alcohol, his soul stripped bare by God. This was where his life had changed. Where he knew he couldn't dull his pain with alcohol anymore or take out his anger through physical abuse. He couldn't continue to keep his father's secret about hoarding money that not only belonged to the community but was needed by its members. Here he'd faced his sins, his brokenness, his ugliness.

But there was one more thing he had to do. As he continued in the dark woods, he found the cabin. Opened the door. Walked inside and saw a cracked, splintered plank of wood that had somehow torn loose from the wall. He ignored it and fell to his knees in the center of the cabin.

“Help me to forgive him,” he said, his heart feeling like it was being ripped apart all over again. “Give me the strength to forgive
mei
father.”

The next day Irene searched for Sol at church, but she didn't see him. His mother, Rhoda, was there, but there was no sign of Sol. After the service she approached Rhoda, asking where Sol was.

“He didn't come home last night.” Rhoda's hands twisted together. “I'm sure he's all right, though. He's done this before. Just not since . . .” Her gaze flicked away, then back at Irene. “He usually comes back in a
daag
or two.”

Irene nodded and thanked Rhoda for the information. But when she turned from Sol's mother, it passed through her mind that he had gone on a drinking binge. She pushed that thought away. She believed he had changed. She believed in him. Whatever happened, he hadn't spent the night out drinking. She was sure of that.

But where was he? She found her mother and told her she wanted to leave, but
Mamm
decided to stay a little longer and visit. “I'll catch a ride home with Andrew and Joanna.”

Irene nodded as she turned and tried not to rush to her buggy. Within a few minutes she was on the road, trying to figure out where to search for Sol. Would he be at Aden and Sadie's? Or maybe he had gone home this morning and was at his own house, or in the workshop. She slowed down her horse and calmed her heart. She wasn't going to find him with her thoughts racing.
Lord, where is he?

She didn't get a clear answer, and she realized she could spend the day wearing out her horse looking for Sol only to discover he might not want to be found. She blew out a breath. She needed to give him space. She turned around and headed back to her house. All she could offer him now were her prayers.

When she arrived home, she guided her horse to the barn,
unhitched it from the buggy, and started to lead her to her stall. When she entered the barn, she froze. Standing in the middle of the barn with his hands in the pockets of his broadfall pants was Sol. Without thinking, she dropped the horse's reins and ran to him, throwing her arms around his waist and hugging him tight. “Where have you been?”

His arms went around her shoulders, but he didn't fully return her embrace. She pulled away and looked up at him. There was a smeared patch of dirt on his forehead and his long reddish hair was sticking up, as if he'd been pulling on the ends. His eyes were bloodshot but he didn't smell like alcohol.

Her horse whinnied. Irene held up one finger. “Don't
geh
anywhere.” She quickly took care of her horse while Sol waited, not moving from the spot where she'd found him. When she returned to stand in front of him, she asked again, “Where have you been? Where were you all night?”

“How did you know I was gone that long?”