A Lethal Legacy (13 page)

"Does Gary know
you wrote a book about him?" she asked.

I had never talked
with her about Gary and his troubles. She mentioned a few times that she
thought there was something different about him, and once even suggested that
she thought he might be gay. But I had never talked to her about Gary and his
problems.

"Why do you say
that?"

"It's about
Gary, isn't it?"

"No, it's about
a homosexual who tries his hardest to..."

"All right, Ed,
if you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. It sounds interesting, but do
you think mainstream America is ready for something like that?"

Thankful that she
decided not pursue the conversation about Gary, I launched into my reasons why
I thought the country was ready to hear about the horrors of growing up gay in
a heterosexual world.

"But more than
that, it's about anyone who lives his life to please those around him instead
of examining his own truth by hiding behind walls, not revealing emotions. We
all do that to a certain extent, but no group more than the homosexual
male." I looked at her when I had finished.

"Sounds like it
could be about your own emotional state as well, although I'm pretty certain
you're not gay. Good luck with it. And Ed, I know you won't talk about it with
me, but you'd better tell Gary about the book before anything else
happens." She reached over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks. I can't
talk about it, even with you. I promised such a long time ago and you know me
and my promises." I kissed her back.

I had kept Gary's
secret for so long now that I didn't know how to break the silence even with my
wife. Besides, I felt strongly that Gary should be the one to tell people. But
at this stage in his life, he wasn't telling anybody anything. He had gone
completely back into his protective shell and wouldn't let even me in this
time.

The next week I made
arrangements to meet Gary for lunch close to his office building. The
invitation was casual even though I felt tremors in my hands as I clenched the
phone and wrote down the address of his favorite lunchtime restaurant.

By the time we
ordered lunch, we had only exchanged pleasantries and news about our wives and
my trip to Europe. We spent a few moments comparing notes about our respective
trips although the hostels and bed and breakfasts of my trip in no way compared
to the five star hotel accommodations of Gary’s and Elizabeth's honeymoon.

"Gary, you know
I finished my first novel last year," I said.

"No, I didn't
know that. Hey, that's great, Ed. What's it about?"

"The novel
traces the life of its main character beginning in a high school in Iowa where
he is a four-letter varsity athlete. He spends most of his life trying to fit
into the image that everyone around him has conceived. I try to show the
dangers of not dealing honestly with oneself. By the end, the pressure is so
great within this person that he ends up killing himself."

Gary put his fork
down and looked at me intently. "What is it that your main character
should have dealt with?"

I looked at him just
as intently for a long moment before answering. "His homosexuality,"
I said very quietly.

Gary didn't move; he
didn't even blink. "I see." He paused. "Is there any resemblance
to your main character and anyone we know?"

"Only on the
inside, Gary. No one else will be able to see any similarities. It's an
important message."

Gary let out a long
sigh and shook his head as if to clear the cobwebs that had gathered there. We
didn't speak for several minutes. I did notice the nervous twitch begin between
his forefinger and his thumb. Suddenly he stopped and put his hands in his lap.

"What are you
going to do with it?" he asked, no longer making eye contact with me but
staring intently at his broiled rainbow trout.

"I'm trying to
publish it," and then I told him about Ernest Haslett.

"I see. Why did
you wait so long to tell me?"

"You're not the
easiest person to talk to when it comes to this subject." I tried to keep
my voice light.

"But why now?
Everything is going so great for Elizabeth and me. Why now?" I thought for
a moment he might start crying.

"I didn't write
it with any intention to harm you or your marriage, Gary. But it might help
someone else who could make better choices before it's too late. Gary, I know
your demons are never very far from the surface no matter how hard you try to
deny it. I love you like a brother and seeing your pain hurts me, too." I
stared at him willing him to look at me once again.

"When I first
began writing the book, I had it end with the main character facing up to the
truth and living happily ever after. But the more I researched the topic, the
more I discovered that rarely happens. I wanted to make a more powerful
statement," I said.

Finally, he lifted up
his head, and the old Gary appeared before me as his grin lit up his
still-handsome face. "All right, Cuz. Let me know if I can help with
contracts and all that junk. I don't want anyone taking advantage of my best
friend. I want the first autographed copy, righto?!" And then as quickly
as his bravado appeared, it disappeared. "You're sure my folks or
Elizabeth won't know?"

"I'm sure, but
how about reading it before anything happens? Then you can help me change
anything that might identify you, OK?"

"Thanks, Ed,
that's a deal." We shook hands before finishing our lunch and heading back
to our very different lives.

When I pulled myself
from thinking about the past, I left my bedroom and headed for the kitchen
where I found Kristina and Rick sitting at the table drinking coffee.

"Hi, Kristina.
When did you get here?" I asked.

"About an hour
ago. Is Grandma still with Gary?"

"Yes, I peeked
in the room, but they're talking so I left them alone. Your grandmother will be
pleased that you're here."

"What about you?
Are you happy I'm here?"

"Well, of
course, Miss Kristina. I'm always delighted to see you." I wanted to keep
it light especially with Rick sitting right there looking at the both of us.

"How about a big
breakfast? I make killer omelets," Rick said.

"Sounds good to
me. I just remembered that we didn't eat dinner last night. Claire could use
some sustenance too, even if we have to force her. We also need to see that she
gets some rest today," I said.

"Why didn't
Grandpa come, really? Grandma said he had a cold, but I don't buy it,"
Kristina said.

"He had some
trouble digesting the news. It's better this way, I think."

Kristina nodded her
head as if understanding. Then she gave me a big grin, "You always know
best,
Cousin
Ed."

I blushed remembering
how "best" I knew her body just a couple of nights ago. I looked away
not wanting to see the open desire now spreading across her face out of fear it
would cause my body to defy my vows never to be seduced by her again.

"I called my mom
and told her last night," she said.

"Told her what?"
I asked.

"What do you
think? About her ex-husband Gary."

"How did she
take it?"

"You know, good
ole Pam. Real sympathetic like. Glad I let her know. Asked about Gary's money.
All the important stuff." Kristina had reverted back to the tough kid.
"She said she wanted to talk to you sometime, though. When I asked her
why, she said you two used to be real close. I never knew that."

"Your mom and I
were good friends before she left with you. Then she used to call me until I
left Ann Arbor. That's why you remember talking to me on the phone. She
wouldn't let me know where she was so I couldn't call and tell her I was
moving."

"Give her a call
sometime. I don't want her pestering me," she said before she flounced out
of the room.

Rick turned away from
the stove where he had been preparing the eggs. "I wish sometimes, she'd
just stay away," he said. "I'd never say that to either Gary or
Claire."

"Why do you wish
she'd stay away?"

"She's usually
trouble. I know she's all choked up about her father, but then at times she
seems pretty heartless. This morning she came over to ask about her father's
will," he said.

"His will? Good God,
he's not dead," I said as I slammed my hand on the table.

"Tell me about
it. I refused to answer her questions. Then you blessedly walked in. Probably
just as well she won't go in and visit Gary."

"That's probably
what Pam put in her head. You heard her say that her mother was asking about
Gary's money."

"I don't know,
Ed, maybe. But I think Kris is capable of thinking of those things on her
own." Rick turned back around to pour the beaten eggs into the hot pan.

Late in the day while
Claire finally rested in the spare bedroom, and I dozed on the couch, Gary
asked Rick to bring Claire, Kristina, and me to his bedside.

"Kristina left a
few hours ago, Rick," I said him as I uncurled myself from the couch.
"Should I call her?"

"Let's not. I
don't quite trust her with him right now. Besides she probably wouldn't come.
I'll tell him I can't reach her. I can be forgiven for one small white lie, I think."
He smiled sadly.

"What's he
want?"

"He seems to be
feeling better. He asked me to sit him up and shave him, brush his teeth. He
even wanted me to put on one of his silk shirts. You know, Gary." We both
shook our heads and laughed.

"Good sign,
don't you think?" I asked.

"Sure, Ed,
sure."

Claire and I entered
the darkened bedroom. Gary was very sensitive to light, and the blinds were
kept closed all of the time now. The only glow came from a small lamp on the
other side of the room. Gary did look slightly better with his freshly shaven
face and clean shirt. He smiled when we came in.

"Two of my
favorite people! The most beautiful mother in the world and the handsomest
cousin around," he said in his old voice. Except when he finished he began
coughing uncontrollably and motioned for us to hand him the spittoon kept under
the bed.

'"Gary, don't
get so excited. We don't look all
that
good," Claire said as she
held the large container for him.

"You're probably
wondering why I've called you both here," he said when he was calmer. This
time he kept his voice low.

"You wanta bust
out of this joint?" Claire asked.

"Soon enough,
Ma, soon enough. Seriously now, I want to tell you two a few things. I'll leave
you both to tell Kristina. It's probably better this way, " he said.

"What is it,
Gar?" I asked. I could see he had something important to tell us.

"First, I love
you two probably the most in the world along with Kristina. You've stood by me
when I didn't always deserve it, and you both have made my life easier at times
without even knowing it."

"Gary, you don't
have to tell us things we already know," Claire said.

"Yes, I do. It's
important to me. Mom, you always made me feel loved. I admit that most of the
time I just wanted Dad to love me, but you kept me grounded. There were times
when I was in high school that I felt like killing myself because I knew I was
different, and I wanted so desperately to be like everyone else. But, Mom, you
always brought me back from the brink. Either through humor, the way you did
just now, or just by being my mom and holding me when the pain was too much.
And you never even knew the source of my greatest pain, but I believe if you
had, even twenty years ago, you would have accepted it and loved me
anyway." He looked at her with great affection. Claire blinked back the
tears.

"You know I
would have. You're my bestest son," she said as she squeezed his hands
resting on his stomach.

"And now, Ed,
ole buddy, my favorite cousin." Gary grinned at me.

"I'm your only
cousin, Gar," I said as we both chuckled at this old joke.

"So you are. But
you were the one who knew everything early on and never judged me. Even when I
couldn't name it, you knew and accepted me even when I pushed you away. I love
you like a brother, Cuz. Even when I turned away from you because you wanted me
to face my demons, I loved you. I always knew you were right. And then, your
book. I could never tell you what that meant to me. When I read it, I knew for
sure you understood me intuitively. We never talked about most of the stuff you
wrote, yet you knew."

"I always
thought you were mad about it. And I always felt guilty because I sensed it's
what broke up you and Elizabeth."

"I never should
have married her although I did love her in a way. It wasn't worth it. But you
understood. Thank you. You gave me more than I ever gave you."

"That's not
true, Gary. You were and are my best friend. That's a lot, and I thank
you," I said desperately trying not to cry.