186 Miles (4 page)

“That’s
okay.  Jeremy kept me company.”

“Yeah,
I saw that.  Shots, huh?”

“Just
one
shot.”  I blushed.

“Thought
you didn’t
do
shots.”

“I
don’t.  Well, normally I don’t.  But I guess it’s a party.”  I was making
excuses.  I really
hated
shots.

“Then
do one with
me
.”

“Aw,
man.  I am not a shot girl.  I’ll be passed out in an hour and you’ll have to
put me outside like a dog to sleep.”

“I
won’t make you sleep outside.  I
promise
you that.”  He took a long pull
off of his beer.  “Just one?”

I
had to.  I couldn’t do one with Jeremy and not do one with Vince, right?

“One.” 
I paused.  “I’m fucking serious.”

“Okay,
you’re fucking serious.”  He smiled widely.

I
picked up the thick syrup and put it to my lips.

“Wait,
wait!  It’s bad luck if you don’t shoot to something.”

“Okay. 
To World Peace.”

“Weak!” 
He made a game-show buzzer sound.

“To
gay marriage?”

“Better. 
How about ‘to new friends.’”

“Yes,
good one.”  I threw back the drink and squeezed my eyes shut.

Just
then, Vince pulled me out of my chair.  “Let’s dance, mama.”

I
grinned at the term of endearment.  Some of my other friends also called me
that.

He
pulled me in close and lazily spun me around.  It was more like a hug and a
sway.  I put my head against his chest.  I could smell his soap.

“I
feel a little dizzy, I think.  Shots.”  I staggered a bit.

“Whoa. 
Come on, pumpkin.  Let’s get you some water.”

Vince
took me through the kitchen, grabbed a bottle from the refrigerator and headed
into his bedroom.  He shut the door behind me.

“Sit,
lady.”  He handed me the bottle.  “Drink it.”

I
cracked the cap and took a short swig.  “Go back to the party.  You don’t have
to stay here with me.”

“I
told you.  I
want
to stay here with you.”  He sat down on the side of
the bed.  “Do you need to lie down?” 

“Maybe
for a minute.”

He
repositioned himself on the bed so that he was lying down.  He put his arm out
so that I could nestle into the crook.  I put my head on his chest and closed
my eyes.  When I opened them, he was looking at me.  This was serious.  He was
going to kiss me.  I could feel it.

Did
I want him to?  Did I need him to?
 
He was my closest friend right now.  He was helping me… with
everything
.

He
closed the gap between us and lightly brushed his lips to mine.  Seconds later,
he pulled back.  “Is this okay?”

“Yes.” 
I answered too quickly.

He
leaned in again.  This time, his mouth opened slightly and he traced my bottom
lip with his tongue.  His hands curled around my back, pulling me in tighter.

Oh.
My. God.  Did I want this?

Everything
in my body said (
yes!
).  But I was lonely.  He was my “Replacement Ryan.”

I
couldn’t let him be that.  If I wanted him, I
had
to slow down.

“Wait,”
I breathed.  He immediately stopped.

“Are
you okay?  I’m sorry, Rachel.  I got carried away.”  He jackknifed up into a
sitting position.  “It was too fast, right?”

I
rubbed his back lightly.  “I like you. 
Seriously.
”  I paused to gather
my thoughts.  “I just think it’s too soon.  I think about you all of the time,
I do.  And I
wanted
you to kiss me.  But now that you have, I just feel
fucking awful.”

He
looked down at his hands and kneaded his fingers.

“Vince. 
I didn’t mean it like that.  I feel bad because I
wanted
you to kiss
me.  I mean, say that I was your wife and
you
died.  Would you want Ryan
to kiss
me
?”

I
could see it start to sink in.  “No, you’re right.  If you were
mine
, I
wouldn’t want anyone else to touch you.”

“I
know that he’s gone, but I don’t want to be some crazy slut that gets a new
boyfriend after like five weeks, you know?  I mean, not that you’re my
boyfriend or whatever…” I trailed off.

“I’ll
wait.”

“What
do you mean?”

“I’ll
wait for you.  I mean, until you are ready.  So, we can stay friends, if you
want… for now.  And when you’re ready, you can let me know.”

“You’re
just gonna
wait
?”

“Yep.” 
He traced his thumb casually along my cheek.  “You are special to me and I
don’t want anyone else to have you.  So, I’ll wait.”  He looked out the
window.  When he looked back at me, he said thoughtfully, “Just don’t make me
wait forever, please.”

“I
won’t.”  I leaned into him and placed a light kiss on his lips.  “I promise.”

He
shuffled around in bed and kicked his shoes off.  He reclined back again and
put his head on the pillow, staring at the ceiling.  “I haven’t gone and fucked
it all up, right?  We’re still going to be friends?”

“Yes,
silly.  I’d miss you too much.” 

He
rubbed my hand and laced our fingers together.

“You
are
literally
killing me.  I’m ruined!”  He laughed aloud and put our
clasped hands over his face.  “Fuckin’ hell, man!”

I
laughed.  “Can you come to Indy in a few weeks?” 

Why
did I say that?

“Yes.” 
He rolled over and pulled me in, my back now pressed against his front.  He
wound his arm around my stomach and lightly rubbed. 

God,
I wish he wouldn’t rub me there.  I bet he dates supermodels.

“You’re
tense,” he whispered.  “Don’t freak out.”

Was
he reading my mind?

“This
is about
us
.  It’s not about Ryan.  I know you loved him.  I’m not
trying to bully my way in and take his place.”  He pulled me closer.  I reached
behind and placed my hand on his hip, reassuring him that this wasn’t our end.

Two
weeks dragged by.  More phone calls this time, fewer texts.  I heard his voice
almost every night.  I began to look forward to our conversations more and
more, checking the clock.  He told me about the different bands he was working
with, what food he ate, the video games he played with Jack.  The dialogue was
simple.  Easy.  We flirted shamelessly.

That
Friday couldn’t come fast enough.  I was supposed to meet Vince at my house at
5:30.  I didn’t have enough time to get ready at my place, so I brought some
clothes and makeup to work.  At 5, I went to the bathroom and revamped my
wardrobe. 

I
took off my stuffy black suit coat and sheath dress and replaced it with a
white sleeveless pleated dress with a black Peter Pan collar and matching thin
velvet belt.  I slipped on a pair of bright green ballet flats and a similar
hued green pin for my hair.

I
swiped a fresh coat of mascara on and painted my lips in a strawberry-flavored
sheer pink gloss.  I walked back to my desk to grab my bag and close up for the
weekend.

Just
then, Lauren came out of her office.  “Hot
bitch
!  Where are
you
going?”

Oh
God, I’ve been spotted.

Lauren
was technically my boss, though she rarely acted that way.  I had moved up from
a Designer to a Senior Architect under her tutelage.  She was my biggest
cheerleader at the firm.  She, too, had moved up this year, to an Associate
Director.

“My
friend is coming in for the weekend and we have dinner plans.”

“Must
be
some
friend.  I haven’t seen you this dolled up in a while.  Like a
long
time, now that I think about it.  Who is it?”

Do
I tell her about Vince?  She wouldn’t understand.

“My
friend, Vince.  He’s actually Ryan’s friend.  They went to Northwestern together.” 
I gathered my things from my desk and shoved them in my huge satchel.

“I
think it’s good you’re getting back out there.”  She smiled at me.

I
groaned aloud.  “I’m not ‘
getting back out there
.’  I’m just hosting him
for the weekend.  He’s in from Chicago.”

“Chicago? 
Weren’t you just there a few weekends ago?”

Fuck.

“Yeah,
he and his brother had a party for the Fourth.”

“Uh
huh.”  A sly smile spread across her lips.  “The Fourth.”

“Shut
up.”  I stuck my tongue out at her.  “Going home.”

“I
know you
are
, girl.”

*

I
pulled up in my driveway.  Vince was sitting on the bench next to the garden,
flipping through his iPhone.  When he saw me, he shoved it in his pocket and
gave me a short wave.

My
heart immediately picked up speed. 
What the fuck, Rachel?

He
headed towards the car and grabbed my bag from the passenger seat.  “Wow.  You
look crazy hot.”

“You
do too.” 
He really did
.  He normally dressed in jeans and t-shirts. 
Today, he wore a white fitted dress shirt with a skinny black tie and tight black
pants.  They were both a little wrinkled from the drive, but he pulled it off
seamlessly.  He looked
incredible
.

“I
thought we might go downtown,” he said.  He walked around to my side and
casually leaned in to kiss my cheek.

“Whatever
you want.”

“Well,
you look
way
too good to sit around here.  A waste of an impeccable
dress.”

He
placed his hand on the small of my back.  “You smell so good.”  He leaned in
and put his lips to my neck.  I looked around slowly, checking for nosy
neighbors.  I didn’t push him away though. 

“I
thought we could go to The Libertine, maybe?  I haven’t been there yet.”  My
voice was a bit broken.

Still
wrapped around me, he lifted his lips to my ear.  He traced his hand down the
back of my dress.  He was getting bolder.

“Vince! 
Focus up!”  He pulled back to look at my face, but his hands never left my
back.

“I
am
focused.”  With that, he smiled.

“You’re
not.”

“Can
I kiss you?”

“What?” 
I squirmed and broke eye contact.

He
held me tighter.  “You heard me.  I want to kiss you.  I’ve been thinking about
it for the past two weeks.  So, let’s just get it out of the way now.  That
way, you won’t be thinking about it all night.”  He smiled and rocked me in his
arms.

“I
won’t be thinking about it all night,” I lied.

“You’re
thinking about it
right now.
”

“You
said you would wait.  This doesn’t feel like waiting, Conti.”  I placed my
hands on his chest and gave him a light push.

“I’m
having a hard time waiting.”  He paused.  “Just kiss me.  That’s it.  I’m not asking
to sleep with you or marry me.  Just one kiss.”

I
dropped my arms to my sides.  “Fine, just
do
it!”  I mocked him, closing
my eyes and puckering my lips.

He
cupped the sides of my face and leaned in slowly.  His lips tasted like cherry
Chap-Stick.  His breath tasted of mint gum.  The kiss started off
innocently.    Soft, light, slow.  I carelessly parted my lips just a fraction
as his shifted into a slant, his tongue pressing inside.

Instinctively,
my arms found his back and I pulled him in tighter.  One of his hands drifted
to the side of my neck.  The other dropped to my backside, giving a modest
pull. 
In my driveway, for crying out loud!
  My dress hiked up an inch
in back.  It was starting to feel like this was going somewhere. 
We were
going to end up in my bed if I didn’t stop.

“Hey,”
I breathed.  “Maybe we should go.”

His
breath was heavy.  He was stimulated.  Alert.  “Okay.” 
Disappointed.

“Would
you rather stay here?  I mean, we don’t have to go anywhere.” 
Why did I say
that?

He
nodded.  “Yes.”  He gave me a quick kiss on the lips.  “Please.”

“We’re
sitting on opposite sides of the room.”

He
gave me a mega-watt smile.  “If we aren’t going to touch each other, we may as
well go out.”

I
didn’t trust myself.   Could I stay here with him?  Alone? 
God, I wanted to
.

I
was conflicted all of the time lately.  I thought about Vince
constantly
. 
Ugh.  This thing with him felt natural.  I could feel the hole that swallowed
me just over seven weeks ago slowly closing.  Vince was responsible for that. 
Could I deny what we were feeling?  Better yet,
would
I?

I
didn’t
fee
l like we were moving too fast.  To the outside world, I would
look like a mega-slut.  I hadn’t slept with him, but
wouldn’t I
, if
given the chance?

How
would I explain this to my friends?  To my family?  To
Ryan’s
family? 

Oh
hey, guys, this is my new boyfriend.  You know, Ryan’s friend?

I
was making too much of this.  I didn’t have to tell anyone.  I could hide Vince
away and we could be weekend friends who made out.  I mean,
would that work
? 
Eventually, he would want more.  Who was I kidding? 
I would want more.

“Okay,
patio.  Drinks.  I sit in the chair, you sit on the loveseat.”  I poked my
finger into his stomach.  “I mean it.”

He
put his hand to his chest.  “Cross my heart.”

Yeah,
right.

“I
wonder if I should change out of this dress.” 
I don’t know why I said that
out loud.

“No,”
he said quickly.  “You got all dressed up for me.  Keep it on.”

I
wasn’t going to make it ten more minutes.  I wanted a million things from him.

I
went inside and grabbed two beers from the refrigerator.  I slipped the flats
off of my feet and fumbled around in the silverware drawer, trying to find a
bottle opener.  I felt his hand before I saw him.  He slipped it around my
waist and pressed up against my back, leaning his head down to my ear.  He
spoke in a whisper.  “God, you look so fucking good in that dress.”

Fuck
it.

I
shut the drawer and turned to face him, clutching on to the front of his shirt,
gently pulling on his tie.  I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my mouth to his. 
His hands dropped to the curve of my backside.  He gave me a slow squeeze.

Oh.
My. God.

I
broke the kiss for a second.  “Are you sure you don’t want to go out?”

He
gave me my answer my lifting me onto the counter and pulling me towards him
roughly.  Our mouths were inches apart.  My legs parted.  I could feel his erection.

Oh
God, oh God, oh God.

My
chest
literally
felt like it was bursting.

“Tell
me to stop, Rachel.  Now is the time.  If you don’t want me, tell me now.”

I
could feel tears welling in the back of my eyes. 
Was I betraying Ryan?

“I
do
want you.” 
What is wrong with me?
  “But we have to slow
down.  I’m not going to drop my panties in the kitchen.”  I put my hands on his
chest and pushed lightly.  “Can’t we just have a beer and sit outside for a
while?  I’ll tell you what… you can even sit on the loveseat with me.”  I gave
him my biggest grin.

“Oooh,
the loveseat.  Color me excited.”

Feeling
bold, I pulled him closer, gently rubbing over the material of his trousers. 
“I noticed.”

“Good
God
, woman.  If you want me to go outside, you’re gonna have to stop
touching my junk.”  He leaned in and gave me a short, wet kiss.  He lifted me
off of the counter and placed me back on solid ground.

*

We
sat outside, listening to music and talking.  We held hands.  He rubbed my
fingers lightly and kissed me often.  Around 10, it started to drizzle, so we
packed up.

I
made up the spare bedroom for Vince. 
Was he supposed to sleep in it?

When
I went to his place, I slept in his bed all weekend.  Even if nothing had
happened, it still felt strange to sleep apart.  I placed his bag on the spare
bed anyway.  I didn’t want to assume anything.

I
went to the bathroom to change.  I hung my dress and put on a black nightie
with a white bow at the front.  It was the longest one I owned, just hitting
above the knee.  It dipped low in the back though.  There was nothing I could
do about that now.  I pinned my bangs back and washed my face.  I rubbed lotion
into my legs and arms and stared at my reflection in the mirror for far too
long.

Okay. 
Go, Rachel
.

When
I stepped into my bedroom, Vince was there, unpacking his bag. 

“You
put my bag in there.”  He pointed to the other bedroom.  “Why?”

I
shrugged.